Thirty Something Blog

2010 Wrap-Up...9 Days Late

2011-01-09T18:41:00.003-05:00

I always like to wrap up the year on my blog, but this year I failed by about nine days. Not entirely my fault. Just like the rest of 2010, while I should have had some free time during the holidays like most people, instead I found myself at work on three out of my four days off for the New Year holiday. But don't cry for me, because I had my fun before & after.

2010 felt like a horrible year, but when I truly stop to think about the reasons why it has to do with two key elements in my life: Work and Cleveland. I hate my job that has caused me to put in easily over 800 hours of overtime this year, and I hate the city we currently call home. But there were other areas of life that I really can't complain about.

Travel - though I only used 9 hours of vacation time out of my 80 hours this year, we managed to hit a lot of places in short mini-vacations. Seattle, WA in January, where I showed my husband the hidden gems in the city & Cascades that I remembered from living near there from '89-91. For Brad's birthday in January we took our first Amtrak trip from Pittsburgh to Philadelphia, where we stayed at our first Kimpton hotel & dined on the best meal of our lives at famed Morimoto's. In March we went to Baltimore for a one-year surgical follow-up for me, followed by a trip to D.C. We saw the new Ford's Theatre exhibit, which was met with great disappointment. It rained the whole time, but we did manage to make it to Charlie Palmer's restaurant by the Capitol building to celebrate our eight year anniversary (several days after the fact). We also spent some time with Brad's sister & her twins & their father, during which time we made my first trip to Gettysburg. Let's not go into that, since it was raining the whole time and in total we only got to spend 3-1/2 hours there. Brad was in a crappy mood due to the rain & all of the travel, so rather than spending the night there and heading home later the next day, we started heading back that night & stayed somewhere in the middle of PA that was no where near as awesome as Gettysburg. That's definitely a place we will visit again, hopefully in 2011.

In May I went south of D.C. for a software convention, as we were doing a huge software conversion at work this year & I thought it might be helpful. The convention was a solid learning experience, but the best part was that I found my hotel in the middle of John Wilke's Booth assassination escape route. Without a map, I found my way to the places he had been, and in the complete darkness of a rainy Tuesday night, I found the Garrett farm location where he died. I was quite proud of that accomplishment, and it put what I had learned in books & on TV in a completely different frame of mind. There is no better history than exploring the lands for yourself if the opportunity is available! In July we went to Iowa for my cousin Anna's wedding shower, and quickly headed back to Illinois that night. On the way we stopped by Sterling, IL and drove by the three homes we lived in during our seven years there. We also stopped in Dixon with my parents and ate at "The White House", which was a shack that served fried foods like chicken & fish, along with a salad bar. Eating there as a child was a very special occasion, and while the other adults at my table looked down upon the establishment, it took me back to a great place in my childhood. The next day Brad & I went to my first Cubs game at Wrigley Field, where we had seats right behind home plate courtesy of one someone I work with. The energy from the fans was the most positive, and the natural arena was a welcome change from most stadiums that constantly assault you with graphics, music & stupid games with mascots on the field. Afterwords we went to the Sears Tower (now called the Willis Tower), where I vowed never to go again due to the ridiculous crowds and crappy views.

In September over Labor Day weekend we traveled again to D.C., first stopping by Frederick to visit the sister-in-law, niece & nephew & their dad. The kids wouldn't leave my side, which was a bit humorous when you think about how non-kid oriented I am. While the grown-ups left me behind to fend for myself, I found myself playing tea party with Zoe on my left side, and smash/race trucks with Roman on my right. They vied for my attention the entire time, which can be exhausting...but also can make a person feel pretty loved. Brad & I took the train from Baltimore to D.C. and stayed at another Kimpton by the White House. We ate at Asia Nine, went to the Smithsonian (U.S. History) and came across a couple who was fairly new to the U.S. and wanted to find the White House. They were also very keen to see those things that all tourists must see, so since the sun was rapidly setting we suggested to go to the Lincoln Memorial, which they had never heard of. We hopped in a taxi and made it in time to see the most spectacular sunset, while explaining to them the history behind the Lincoln Memorial & the National Lawn in general. We walked together to the WWII memorial, and finally to the White House where the couple was greatly disappointed to see such a plain, small house for the leader of a huge country. That night later resulted in me taking Brad to the hospital for a rash on his leg, but luckily it was nothing serious; it just was not the best way to spend our last night in the Capitol.

In October we traveled once again to Iowa for my cousin Anna's wedding, where I read two bible passages during the ceremony. What an honor! Took Amtrak from Cleveland to Chicago, then rented a car for the rest of the trip. The next day we - Brad, my parents and brother - went to see what was my first Chicago Bears game at Soldier Field. As wonderful as Wrigley was, Soldier Field was even better. It was like a religious experience, and I forget how many times I found tears of happiness in my eyes. We lost, but once again the Chicago fans know how to keep a positive, upbeat spirit that makes you want the game to never end, even if it does end in a loss. Brad & I took the train home, where it was wonderful to just listen to a book on my iPod & fall asleep, not having to worry about driving six hours back home.

Also in September I took a trip on my own to visit my long time friend Moe. It was a short trip, less than 24 hours, but we ate a good meal & spent several hours in a casino drinking & talking away.

In December we drove to Chicago and spent the night before Christmas Eve there in an effort to beat the snow storm coming in. Unfortunately on Christmas Eve it snowed very hard in Iowa and we barely made it to the farm for our yearly celebration. As always it was a warm, happy place, and I cherished the sights and sounds of our yearly tradition, knowing my Grandpa Grimm was with us in spirit.

The other big change was a move to downtown Cleveland, though as of now it is still temporary. We moved our of our home in April so we could finish some upgrades & so I could eliminate my two-plus hours on the road each day. We put the house on the market in August, and have had a lot of showings and interest. It's great to hear that people find your house perfect, but when it's followed by "But they have to sell their house first," it's frustrating. But in the meantime we have had the pleasure of living downtown where I'm six blocks away from work and Brad is now 20 minutes away instead of 1 hour and 20 minutes from his job, though his work hours are not as demanding as my own!

My brother finished his four year degree in electrical design in November, so we took him & the parents to Red, the Steakhouse in Beachwood to celebrate during the Thanksgiving holiday. Brad & I arrived early so we had a glass of wine in the bar. Within seconds we realized who was sitting next to us - Iron Chef America Michael Symon & Bob Tuschman, Food Network Programming Director. Both are from this area, so we shouldn't have been surprised. It was interesting because they were talking a bit about work, so it was fun to eavesdrop.

Of course this year was another year where things were not so good when it came to the subject of health. My father has been ill since January and no one knows why. Unfortunately my mom has self diagnosed him, which has led to him barely being able to eat a thing because she thinks he has food reactions that cause him to have vertigo & migraine headaches. I don't think it's that, and worry quite a bit that he'll die before his time because my parents were too stubborn to find real answers. Don't get me wrong, doctors make mistakes all the time, but I worry something more serious is at work - but also hope I'm wrong. My Grandma B. was diagnosed with lung cancer and has been receiving treatments. A year ago this was a woman who thought she would live forever, but now I get the impression she feels she won't be around in a year. Time will tell. Her husband, Roy, was put in assisted living for Alzheimer's. Such a horrible disease. To make matters worse, in December he was diagnosed with spine, bone & lung cancer and given six months to live. Though it didn't happen in 2010, I'll say it here - Roy died on Wednesday, January 5, 2011. It was a surprise as there were no signs, but it happened peacefully. My Grandma was not with him; she got a voice mail on her answering machine that he had passed away during the day. Roy was a kind soul who I did not know well, but always treated our family very well. He was soft spoken & kind, and when we were kids he would send us gifts from the road as he & my Grandma traveled often. He knew I loved history, so he would send me very old (1800's) books that he thought I might enjoy. Considering we hardly knew him, I found it kind that he did such a thing, especially since my Grandma never seemed to remember our existence. Roy didn't have children of his own from his first marriage, and I believe he felt like we were the family he didn't have. He never overstepped his bounds, as he knew we had wonderful, blood-related grandparents, but was just a good man that I hate to see leave us. But then again, with the Alzheimer's he had already left us.

My own health has not improved this year. In fact, it has gotten worse. It appears I have a partially herniated disc at L4/L5, but will spend 2011 verifying how bad it is and determining when I need to have surgery. My joints are a mess and I live in significant pain every day. I suffer from some depression and often wonder just where my breaking point is. But I have a wonderful family & great group of friends that keep me fighting the good fight.

So that's 2010 in a wrap-up. I spent New Year's Eve day at work until 8:30pm, when my wonderful husband prodded me to come home & rest. I did just that, and we both were asleep by 10pm. He had been sick with some weird cold, I was exhausted from work, and I guess both of us are getting older. We made up for it the next few days though, but that's for another post. Our 2011 travels need to be its own post.

My hopes for 2011 are to sell our house, move to the D.C. area & for me to find a better job that I enjoy. I'd like my health to improve, but I'm not optimistic. I'd like to continue my travels, and I'd also like to write more. There are a few things in the works, but again, that's for another post. I hope everyone out there had a great 2010.

2010 is now officially over!

October

2010-10-17T11:01:00.008-04:00

October has always been a very strange month for me, even back to my childhood days. Some of the most memorable times I've had happened in this month, whether they be good or bad. But there are always memorable events.

This October has been mostly one of stress, but that's because of a huge software conversion that I am project managing and doing most of the work on. It's definitely the biggest conversion I've ever done & the stakes are high, and as tired as I often feel I really want people to be blown away by the end result. This will be my own shining moment at this company as long as I can avoid the obstacles being put in front of me on a daily basis. I also can't ignore the climate of the organization which I feel is very close to doing something that will be a first in the history of the organization. If it happens, I will go from being a very miserable employee to a very happy one. "Just wait," I'm being told. I won't hold my breath, but I think it will happen.

Enough of work, because I have something ahead of me this upcoming weekend that is a lot more important: my cousin Anna is getting married. I love all my cousins, but Anna was born eight months after my brother, so they hung out together all the time. And because I was seven years older, I often entertained and played with them. Anna was like a little sister to me (along with my cousin Gina who was three years my junior), so I am so happy that she is with a man who treats her well, loves her and makes her happy.

Part of my enthusiasm is selfish, as the wedding means I get three days where I'm forced away from my office. Friday morning the husband and I are boarding the Amtrak train at 3:45am and making our way to Union Station in Chicago. Seven hours on a train is like heaven to me. Yes, I'll probably be on my laptop working a little bit, but I love the comfort and views a train provides. I could care less if I step foot in an airplane again, just give me a train and I'm happy.

From Union Station we will rent a car and drive along the very familiar I-88 route to Davenport, Iowa. I love this drive because a lot of my childhood involves cities along this route. St. Charles, Sycamore, Rockford, Sterling...at one time I called these places home. I always make it a point to stop in Sterling and stop at Arthur's Deli or drive through the little town and look wistfully at the schools and parks I once frequented with friends and family. Last time we stopped in Dixon and ate at The White House where we had their famous fried chicken, potatoes and salad bar items that took me back to the 80's when eating there was reserved for special occasions.

In Davenport we'll settle into the Courtyard, where I've stayed for so many years that I've lost track. It's a few miles from where my Grandpa Suntken once lived and a few miles from where he currently is buried. I love driving through the streets and remembering times when we were all younger and those who've left us were still with us. I love seeing the golf courses my Grandpa S. and father would play on, the parks we used to walk or bike through, and the restaurants we would go to because my Grandpa had no idea how to cook & loved eating out.

After we settle into the hotel, maybe take a little nap & change, we're off to Clinton, Iowa. Again, another "home base" city where a lot of my family is from so there is a lot of history. The wedding is taking place at what can best be described as the family church. My Grandpa & Grandma Grimm were married in what is called "The Wee Chapel" back in the 40's. My youngest aunt was married there and I served as a junior bridesmaid. We've had several wedding showers there, and my own was held in a beautiful mansion next door. When my Grandpa Grimm passed away his visitation and funeral were held there, and it was in the main church that I read something I had written about him on the bathroom floor of a room at the Courtyard in the early morning (1am-3am) hours. (A bit off topic, I know. All I will say about that is that it took me until 11pm the night before to get permission to write something about my Grandpa G. from my mother. The whole family was expecting it since I had done the same thing for my other Grandpa a month prior when he passed away. So I was not procrastinating, I was just dealing with family issues. I didn't want to keep Brad awake so I took the laptop into the bathroom, sat on the hard floor & wrote about four pages that I hoped would describe my Grandpa from the grandchild point of view.)

This time I'll also be reading at the church, but it will two bible passages for Anna's wedding ceremony. She refers to me as "The Lone Reader, not to be confused with The Lone Ranger." I figure if I can read pages of my own personal writings for funerals without messing up, I can easily do this. So Friday evening will be a run through followed by a rehearsal dinner. Saturday will be a quick morning of getting ready, packing up everything and getting to the church by 12:30-ish. There will be waiting around, as the wedding doesn't start until 4pm. After the wedding it's off to the big celebration, where I'm hoping to kick back a few glasses of wine. No work for me on Saturday. Unfortunately we'll be doing what we usually do for evening family events; getting in the car around 10pm and driving to Naperville to stay at the Courtyard there. Again, another hotel I've spent more nights in than I can count. Where's my discount, Marriott? Yes, I have Marriott rewards & actually have gotten some great deals, just not on this trip. Oh well. We'll be exhausted, especially because we'll still be on Eastern time. We'll get in a few hours of sleep, wake up in a blur and try to slap ourselves awake through coffee (for Brad) and Diet Mt. Dew (for me.).

You probably think at this point we're heading to the train station & back home. Well, it's half right. We have to get to Union Station to drop off the rental car no later than 9:30am. But then we throw our luggage in a locker and head to...wait for it...Soldier Field. Yes, we are going to a Chicago Bears game against the Washington Redskins.

My mom called a few weeks ago and said that for Christmas they wanted to get me, Brad & my brother tickets for the game. Turns out the best value was Club Seats, which doesn't put us as close to the field as I'd prefer, but it's still better than most seats at Browns Stadium here in Cleveland. As a special bonus, my parents are going as well. I am a HUGE Bears fan and have been since I discovered football. I can still recite "The Superbowl Shuffle" word for word. I still remember sitting next to my dad & watching the games on TV, and also remember how he'd almost have a stroke when they played badly or lost. He was really, really into the team. He's not as big of a fan now, but I think it's because he realized they were bad for his health.

My parents & brother went to the stadium about ten years ago when my brother's high school band performed there. I was living in Minnesota and couldn't make the Sunday night game. As a child we were too poor to even think about going to a game, and as an adult I've never lived close enough to fit a game into my schedule. And yes, tickets are expensive because it's "Da Bears." I fulfilled my dream of going to Wrigley Field in July, and now I finally get to go inside Soldier Field and watch my favorite sports team play. Words cannot express my excitement.

When the game is over we'll make our way back to Union Station, get a bite to eat, grab our luggage and hit the 6:40pm train back to Cleveland. I always hate leaving Illinois & going back to Ohio, but at least we're not driving. The drive sucks. We'll be getting in around 2am, but it's worth it. I'll probably have to do some work again on the train, but I look forward to watching a movie on the laptop or iPod, putting on the headphones, relaxing & hopefully getting some sleep. Because we live downtown, once we do arrive it's maybe 15 minutes of walking home at most.

So we have a wedding, a football game, and our first train trip to Chicago. As long as the rest of the month can remain uneventful, I think this will be a very good month. As for my cousin Anna, I wish her and her soon-to-be husband Adam (not to be confused with my brother Adam) a lifetime of happiness. Since she's a huge Simpson's fan, I hope their marriage is as wonderful as what Homer & Marge have.

My First Real Blog

2010-09-23T11:30:00.008-04:00

Last year I spent my free time reading health care bills & going on every message board you could imagine trying to educate people on the REAL facts (both sides were spinning, spinning, spinning) & I got so into it that my stress level shot through the roof. I needed a break this year. Yes, our economy & everything with it is collapsing around us, but I can't dedicate my days to thinking about that. All I can do is do the best I can at my job, help those out there looking for work as much as I can, donate what I can, and try to take care of myself as my health still sucks.

Tuesday afternoon I was reading an entertainment/regular news site that is fairly new & trying to build a fan base. The girl is out of NYC and at one time worked very a very well known magazine. She's now on her own dabbling in various projects, one of them which is her web site. She had mentioned a few weeks ago that she wanted to introduce guest bloggers on the site, which I thought was an interesting idea. The topic of Tuesday was "Dancing with the Stars" from the previous evening. Most readers had missed it but were looking for a recap.

I don't know why I was watching that horrible show Monday night, but I did. I was in pain, flat on my back, and it was the only thing really on as I couldn't physically go on the hunt to find a good DVD. So I watched it. My mom & grandma love it, so I've watched it in the past as it gives us something to bond over. I have little to bond over with my mom so that's a big deal. So the web site owner throws out the challenge: "Anyone willing to do a write-up on the episode?" I don't know what I was thinking - it was probably a combination of pain meds & the pain literally driving me insane - but I took her up on it & she accepted. I ate dinner and then spent the next 2-1/2 hours writing the recap of a 2 hour reality show about D-list stars attempting to dance.

After I put up the post, I was shocked to see the positive comments from fellow readers. Turns out my snarky yet not-too-cruel humor and tendency to get a bit descriptive in my writing works. So out of the blue I had my first published write-up on an up-and-coming web site. It's not like I'm writing things for Time Magazine, but I felt a small sense of accomplishment. It's not the first time I've had something published, but it is my first time to have a blog write-up published. To my shock, I've been officially asked to cover the show weekly during Season 11 and have accepted.

I've been struggling a lot, specifically over the last year, about my career. I have a good job & make good money considering I don't have that all-important four year degree. I went immediately to work instead & built my career that way. Sometimes I regret it, but when I look around me most people my age who went that route are doing worse than I am. I control the numbers & manage human resources, but this isn't my dream job. I actually hate compiling numbers. Results are interesting in the analyzing process, but I'm not someone who loved math as a kid. I tell people I work with numbers because it pays the bills and I've found luck in those types of positions, but in reality it's not what I want to do for the rest of my career.

So what do I want to do? My husband asked me that question outright a few weeks ago when I was having a mini-breakdown over my job, pain & overall stress. "I want to write" came blurting out of my mouth without a second of thought. And the more I think about it, the more I realize that was the genuinely true answer.

I hated the owners at my last job, but I loved one huge piece of it - writing. Whether it was writing presentations, reports, proposals, marketing pieces, web site language or more importantly - articles - I loved it all. I couldn't have survived there had I not had those opportunities.

When I was very little I was obsessed with being a doctor. Then music entered my life and I wanted to be a clarinetist, which lasted up until our move senior year where that dream was shattered by things out of my control. But when I think back, the one constant in my life has always been my writing. Scoring in the top 1 percentile every year for national Writing/Reading/Language testing is obviously a rarity. The fact that I had several short stories and poems published in national school journals is a rarity. My grandma telling me from a very young age that "Some day I think you're going to be a great writer"...maybe she was right. I'm not being arrogant, but being praised for my writing is something I've had my whole life from more people than I can count. I'm definitely better than average and I love it, so maybe I need to really explore this. The ideal goal in your career is to do what you love, right?

It's easy in life to get caught up in what you have to do to survive. All of my adult life I've done what I've needed to do in order to put a roof over my head, food on my plate, etc. I've been happy with my success, and find myself extremely lucky that I'm not only able to provide the basics, but that I can also take good vacations, eat at some of the best restaurants in the country, and not have to worry about things that a lot of other Americans have to worry about right now. I am incredibly grateful for that and I don't take it for granted.

But what I've concluded is that to follow your dreams you usually have to be willing to suffer. You have to be willing to take risks, put your financial future on the line, face a lot of rejection & hurdles, and have the willpower not to give up. It was easier to do this when I was younger, healthier, and just having to look out for myself. It's harder now considering my own health challenges and the fact that I'm one half of a pair of people sharing a life together.

I definitely have a lot of thinking to do, but it will have to be done around work, health issues & living life. At the moment I can't do a whole lot to lead to my ultimate dream career, but I can do things little steps at a time when I can fit it in. For me, this blog was a huge awakening, and I'm so grateful for the opportunity allowed to me and the realizations its helped me discover.

September

2010-09-14T11:19:00.005-04:00

It's not just September, but mid-September. The last few weeks have been spent stressing over my job, but also doing some traveling to Frederick, MD, D.C. & also Cincinnati to see family, friends and to also just enjoy some time with the husband. It's been nice to escape a few times, especially since the upcoming months will be mostly hell.

The software conversion that has been going at fairly slow speed this year is about to rev up big-time. We're fast-tracking it with a go-live date of December 1. Since I'm the project manager/coordinator for everything, this is a very daunting task to add on top of my other normal workload. I've tried to prepare the best I can by training others & bringing in some extra help, though that process itself has not been smooth or necessarily as helpful as some thought it might be.

I feel I'm a bit in over my head on this one. Not because I can't do the job, because I've done several conversions before that went off very well. It's because this time I'm dealing with pain that I can't control & I don't know if I can maintain the level of focus & long work days that this project needs. But I have no choice - it has to get done. They say you can rest when you're dead; hopefully in this case I can rest when the project is over.

Mid-June Already?

2010-06-15T10:08:00.010-04:00

I can't believe it's June 15. Really? Where time goes, I have no idea.

It's been about a month since my last post, but a lot has gone on. Went to the outskirts of D.C. for a convention for a few days and found myself in the middle of John Wilkes Booth escape route. Obviously I had to follow his same tracks - anyone who knows me knows I couldn't just sit in a hotel and not trying to take in my historical settings. Most people don't know a lot about his escape, so I'll have to do a blog on that sometime with photos so I don't forget the experience.

On my way back home from D.C. I stopped at Antietam. My second battlefield this year. Gettysburg was where we stopped in early March, but we only had a few hours there & the weather was rainy. Most of the folks with me didn't want to be outdoors so I found myself roaming the key sites, taking photos in the rain & trying to picture the various battles and what the grounds must have looked like during those crucial three days. Speaking of Gettysburg, I recently purchased "Killer Angels," the unabridged audio book version. I have little time to read, and since I knew I'd be spending a lot of time in the car going to/from D.C. I chose that as my option of entertainment. This is the book "Gettysburg" - the movie released in 1993 - was based on. The book brought things into clearer perspective and makes me eager to revisit the site as soon as possible. It also made me do a desperate search to find the movie, as my husband had never seen it. Wal-Mart came through on that one. I actually was working at the Willow Knolls 14 theater in 1993 when the movie was released, and saw it countless times as it played for several months. Even briefly dated a guy during that time who was a Chamberlain historian, and if you do your research on the man you can see why he's so fascinating. Though the movie theater gave better sound effects of the canon exploding around you, watching it in the dark in our living room was a pretty good experience too. I will say this - while I like Martin Sheen, I never felt he did General Lee justice with his interpretation of him. Or maybe it was a brilliant interpretation but Lee just appears better when reading about him in print or looking at him in a photo. Chamberlain & Armistead stole the show, at least for me. I think both actors did them justice. If I could go back in time I would like to meet both of them.

But I digress. Antietam. I arrive, take a few photos & go to the visitor's center. I find that they have a CD set you can buy that takes you to various points on the battle field where you can drive, listen to what happened, then stop the CD, get out of the car & explore. I spend $22, thinking that I can spend an hour or so doing a quick tour, as it will give me a little break from the drive from D.C. back home to Ohio. At this point in the day it had already been stressful; we had an admin person quit, so I had been scrambling most of the day trying to find a temp replacement & also people for us to interview to fill the position full time. I needed a mental escape. Yes, I'm odd that I'd chose a battlefield for an escape, but I'm fascinated by the Civil War so it makes perfect sense to me.

I go to the second floor of the visitor's center & take some photos, while also listening to a tour guide's description of the Sunken Road. (side note: with my maiden name being "Suntken", I feel like this is kind of my road considering most of the people I grew up with always spelled it "Sunken" anyway.) Then my camera battery dies. After all the pictures I took on my John Wilkes Booth escape route I never thought to recharge the battery at the hotel. I'm an idiot. But they have a gift shop, so I go back inside the visitor's center only to find they have no disposable cameras. In a battlefield gift shop there were no disposable cameras??? Well, I still had my camera phone. Not the best resolution, but it would do. I decided to get in the car and drive along with the guided CD tour for awhile. I turn on the car...and the "low tire pressure" light comes on. That was a new development. My car is less than a year old & I had just had it serviced before I left. I had the light come on once before & there was a nail in the tire. My stomach sunk...this wasn't an error, I was getting a flat. Got out of the car & couldn't tell which tire it was. Here I was at a battlefield, no where near an actual town and it was around 4pm. Repair shops wouldn't be open much longer, and I had 4-1/2 hours at least to still drive back home that night. I took a quick look around me in disappointment, looked up the nearest tire repair shops on my GPS and headed into West Virginia for assistance. I drove away with complete & total disappointment, knowing that my second battlefield experience this year was another "miss."

The GPS takes me 9 miles to a tire repair shop, but given the narrow, curving back roads it takes 20 minutes to reach the destination...where I find myself in a housing development. No tire shop here! I go to the GPS again, since I have no choice at this point but to rely on it, and choose another location. Again, another 9 miles, but a 20 minute drive. I find myself in a little WV town, and on my way to the GPS destination I see a tire shop along the road. It's 4:40pm so I decide to stop there. At this point my concern is that 5pm will hit and no one will be open to do the repair. After all, this is West Virginia, not some metropolitan area.

I go into the shop and am immediately hit with the cigarette smoke. I also find myself the lone female, being stared at with question & amazement by about 10 guys, all sitting around the waiting room. Most of the guys were in mechanics uniforms, some were in normal clothes. It was basically the town meeting place for the men. The guy at the counter, in his thick WV accent, was talking with a local gentleman about town gossip. While the other guys stared at me (I got the feeling they were thinking "Uh, you're a girl..." in a thick WV drawl), I waited for the man at the counter to finish his conversation. What had I gotten myself into? Finally, when the guy at the counter was done with his discussion he addressed me. Not in a polite way, but not rude either. He knew I was a city girl, definitely not from around there, and probably thought I was some idiot girl who didn't know how to drive or maintain a car or something. I told him that my low tire pressure light was on & that I was driving to Ohio...and that I needed it checked & likely needed the tire fixed. He thought about this for a second, looking skeptical. He told me "first bay." Ok, he wanted me to drive it in for them to look at it. That works!

So I pull in the garage in the first bay and four mechanics who had been sitting in the waiting room come out. Three grab tire pressure gauges while the other one just kind of looks at the tires. At this point I see where the issue is - my back, passenger side tire. It's drastically low, and it wasn't that way 45 minutes prior when I first saw the light. The guys are checking the tires & I point to the back tire, the last one they checked. The guy takes the pressure & looks at the top of the tire. "Uh, yeah, there's the screw right there." I ask him if they can patch it, and get the reply of "uh-hu." He goes to the back of the shop and gets a very old, rusted car jack to lift up the back/passenger side of the car. Yes, it's a bit primitive in West Virginia, but whatever works! He jacks up the car so he can repair the tire; luckily new tires are not needed, thank goodness. In a town with only a few small American auto dealerships, I don't think they would be too pleased to fit my Toyota Corolla with new tires, and I certainly didn't want to spend the money or time.

So the guy is fixing my tire, and while one of the three guys heads to the back to stare at the operation, the other one goes to his tool box and pulls out another tire pressure gauge. With the back/passenger side of my car jacked up while one of the mechanics repairs the leak, this third guy starts checking the tire pressure of the other three tires. Once the guy - we'll call him idiot mechanic - got to the third tire that was not being worked on, the somewhat capable mechanic asks him "Whatcha doing?" The response was "I'm tryin' to see what tire is low." The capable mechanic says "Whuh?" The response again was "I'm tryin' to find what tire is low. None of 'um look like they are low."

Capable mechanic stops what he's doing and says "Eh found the leak." Idiot mechanic says "Whuh?" Followed by a "Eh found the leak." Idiot mechanic stares at him. "Ya did?" "Yup, I'm fixin' it now" says the capable mechanic, getting back to work on the tire. I do everything in my power to keep from laughing. At this point I feel like I'm in a very stereotypical TV show about West Virginia life and I'm the guest star for the day. Capable mechanic fixed the tire quickly and told me I was set to go. I asked if I needed to go in & pay; he shrugged his shoulders. "I guess. Can ya pull your car out so we can shut the door?" Sure, of course. I get in the car, and while I probably could have just driven away I park in a spot & go inside to talk with the head counter guy again. I tell him that the leak was fixed & asked how much I owe him. He yells through the thin walls to the capable mechanic who is still in the garage "Was it a leak?" Capable mechanic yells back "Yeah, I fix it." Counter guy writes up the service on a yellowed pad of invoicing paper, with the charge of $10.66. Fair enough; after all, I needed that fix to get back home & save myself from having to sleep who knows where in West Virginia. Luckily it's a very rare time that I have cash so I give him $11, he gives me back my change with his sticky, dirt covered hand. I pocket it and walk out the door, ready to leave that town behind me.

Luckily the drive from West Virginia to Ohio was uneventful, but I did find myself sulking a bit about Antietam. Well, I have the guided tour CD now so next time I'm back in that area - which I WILL be - I hope to put it to good use. I will also bring strong battery power for the camera!

I wasn't anticipating on writing this much, but here it is. I have to get to my John Wilkes Booth escape route story because that was awesome - at least for me. As for any readers, I think unless you are actually there you don't fully get the scope of things but I will try my best to describe it to you. Another day.

Last Day - 33

2010-05-14T23:03:00.000-04:00

It's my last day being 33. Well, sort of. Technically I turn 34 at 12:17am on May 16, though my birthday is May 15 (darn time zones).

Last year I found myself kind of in a panic. It's not like 33 is some sort of "milestone" age, but it just kind of hit me that I was creeping towards mid-30's. To me, 34 is mid-30's, so I had one year left. I started doubting what I had done with my life, and doubting that I would ever accomplish much. The dreams I once had were overridden by realities - most of which I had no say in - and I was pretty depressed over where I was at this point. I didn't expect to turn 33 and be living in as much pain as I live with, in a house/location that I was unhappy at, and spending most of my days at work or in a car driving to/from work. In my younger years I thought I'd be hitting my stride at 33, earning big bucks, having a financially rewarding & mentally challenging career, traveling the world and still having the time to spend with the ones I love in my life, be it family or friends. I also expected good health, which by far is still the biggest disappointment to date.

Last year I wanted to get in a car and drive. I wanted to get away. I felt panicked and depressed because reality set in that I was not where I wanted to be in life. Having moved so much in my life, my gut reaction in these cases usually is to escape; move somewhere & start over.

My 33rd year has been a struggle, but in the end I survived it. I leave 33 behind having a better grasp on how to balance work and my personal life. I'm not "there" yet, but I'm getting there. I've traveled to Massachusetts, Rhode Island, Connecticut & New York state for the first time in my life. I spent time in Boston, Cape Cod, upper NY state, Providence, Kansas City, Seattle, Springfield and Philadelphia. I ate at an Iron Chef's restaurant - Morimoto's. I got to see where Brad went to college and meet some of his friends from that time, all who are wonderful people. I visited the homes of three Presidents - John Adams, John Q. Adam's, and Abe Lincoln (though I had seen his house before). I saw the home of William Seward, which was the coolest historical home I've ever been to. I saw the Lincoln Presidential Library & Museum for the first time. I spent time in Cincinnati, Chicago and Iowa with friends & family. Took a long distance Amtrak ride for the first time, and now I want to do all of my travel by train. Got a new car with all the gadgets to make all of my travels a lot more enjoyable. I saw my brother's electrical stage work for the first time and it was brilliant. I got a normal platelet count back again, even though enough damage was done that the pain still remains. I started really getting my voice where I work, and I've been able to make changes for the better. I also am becoming an owner in the company as I was given shares in the company, so now I can technically say I'm a partial owner. I started an online petition against the health care bill and got over 1,000 signatures, all from complete strangers who found my online message board arguments compelling; though unfortunately our "representatives" passed the horrible bill anyway. A few weeks ago Brad & I moved to downtown Cleveland, where we realized that this is the life we are best suited for. Still haven't sold the house, but I'm confident it will happen this year.

My 33rd year wasn't the disaster that I thought it would be. Like everyone, I wish some things were different, but "it is what it is." Turning 34 I actually feel ok about. No panic attacks. Still a little depressed (pain that never lets up can wear out a person), but I have a lot to be thankful for. In a time where people all around me are struggling with jobs & finances, we've had it fairly easy. In a time where my health still sucks, I've still managed to do & see a lot of things. Can you imagine what I would have done over a year if I had my full health? I'd be a tornado! Maybe this is the work of a higher being forcing me to slow down even though I don't want to; I'd rather experience all I can of life every day as you never know when it might end. I don't want to take anything for granted.

Goodbye 33, and hello 34. I'm officially mid-30's & I'm very content with that.

Downtown Move

2010-04-26T09:04:00.009-04:00

We moved downtown to our new place this weekend. About 2/3 of our stuff is still left behind at the house, but nothing of real importance. The good thing about a move like this is that you realize how much stuff you have that you really don't need. I would guess that most of the stuff we left behind will go to Goodwill.

The move was exhausting & painful. Two days later & I can still barely walk, but we got through it. The worst part was getting the stuff into the apartment; moving into old buildings is HARD. The poor movers..the truck didn't fit into the garage, so they had to trek everything down a huge & very long cement ramp, then walk the equivalent of at least 1-2 blocks beneath the building (it was like a secret underground area) before they reached the freight elevator. The elevator took forever to climb to the 8th (top) floor, then they had to walk a quarter/half block to our apartment unit. Loading took less than an hour, but unloading took about 2-1/2 hours. It was brutal. To top it off the A/C in the apartment doesn't work, so it was up to 83 degrees; we just couldn't get enough air from the outside to cool things down.

Besides the inconvenient arrangement of the building & no A/C, things went great. Nothing broke, and the apartment was bigger & cooler than I remembered it. Absolutely love it. I took a few initial pictures, but none of them do the place justice. The angles of the high ceilings, the true height of the windows, the details of the kitchens & bathrooms just aren't given justice with the lighting I had. Once we get things unpacked I'll make another attempt to get some photos of our new home. The one thing I did manage to get was a shot from our living room window. Again, it doesn't do the view justice because this is just one area you can see, but it's pretty spectacular. Totally different from the Lake Erie view I have from my office window 5-6 blocks down the street. There are so many old buildings & architecture that it's overwhelming. I feel like I'm in a completely different, east coast city.

Saturday night we walked to Morton's at Tower City and treated my parents to a "thank you for helping us move" dinner. We did the same thing when we moved to our last downtown home in St. Paul, Minnesota, and that place brought us a lot of good luck - so we thought it would be cool to keep with tradition. The only thing that was missing was my brother, who was with us in spirit. Back in MN he bought a $50+ prime rib and ate the whole thing (he was a teenage boy at the time), yet the bill still turned out to be the same this time as last time. Darn inflation!

We went to bed Saturday evening with the windows open, where you could hear traffic, sirens, etc., but it honestly didn't phase me at all. It was soothing...it felt like home. I missed that.

Sunday morning we lounged around, familiarizing ourselves with the cable box since we've had DirectTV since the late 90's but couldn't have it at the new place. Cable is ok, and luckily the DVR works well. Got ready & walked a few blocks to Zocalo, a Mexican restaurant on 4th Street; the street itself is awesome, by the way - it's the hip place to be. We got there right before a big storm hit, so we helped ourselves to margaritas & some really great food. Turns out Aaron Sanchez (of Food Network fame) created the menu and it was amazing. That's now three restaurants we've eaten at this year where the food was created by famous chefs: Morimoto's, Charlie Palmer's and now Zocalo. The food was true Mexican and the flavors were spot on. Once the downpour ended we walked back to the apartment, got in the car and drove a few miles to Target. We picked up a few necessities before my body decided it was going to give out on me, so we headed back home & I actually just slept most of the evening. Physically I was drained, and still am to some extent. We made a late dinner - the first one at our new home - and watched Fox Sunday night TV while looking at the fog rolling into downtown and replacing our beautiful nighttime views with whiteness.

We have a lot to unpack but it looks like we'll have plenty of room for everything. Our furniture fits in well with the "look" of the apartment & I can't wait until we start having visitors. Unfortunately we do have a home in the burbs we can't forget about, so I'm sure starting next weekend we'll be making weekly trips to get the place in shape to sell. As for this week, it's a very swamped work week so the quick commute is a good thing. It was great to leave at 7:10am this morning & still be at work before 7:30am.

An interesting fact - I now take five elevators each morning/evening. Three at the apartment building, and two at my office building. Five. Kind of nuts! But so far I'm loving it. We just need A/C and we're good to go.

Downtown Girl

2010-04-18T14:23:00.003-04:00

Sometimes you try something on, see how it fits, and sometimes it fits well. Other times it doesn't. That's how I feel about our house.

Yes, it's our first home that we actually purchased. It's snug in the woods with seven other cluster homes; it's quiet, fairly easy to get to and peaceful. But since we moved there in 2005 I have missed the hustle & bustle of a more downtown location.

I haven't lived downtown since 2002, when Brad & I left downtown St. Paul for the burbs. At the time, it was "perfect timing." The apartment building was about to turn into condos, and our unit would have been about $260,000 + $10,000 for a single parking spot. Way too pricey! Not to mention the fact that after 9/11 living downtown lost it's appeal. I won't recap what happened that day and the days/weeks that followed, but it was a very uncomfortable place to be. We never thought St. Paul was a target, but there were some odd things that occurred that made us decide to leave.

We moved to Ohio about a year later and lived in the west burbs for awhile. The building was brand new, very modern, and because we were so close to shopping & restaurants we didn't feel too far removed from the action. In April 2005 we were driving to my parents, decided to take back roads and came across our current home. It looked cool & modern, and the price was right. We felt that if we were going to purchase a home, this would be a good investment.

Unfortunately things didn't fall into place as we had hoped. Both of us ended up getting other jobs that put us at least 45 minutes away - one way - from our home. Our basement flooded three times in the first three months we were there. The builder went bankrupt & left the eight homeowners to maintain three private streets & landscaping. We've had trees fall (some which we've had to pay for their removal), griping/arguing/immature neighbors, and we found out after the first year that they had us in the wrong school district, which greatly increased our taxes.

We've put in time & money to upgrade the house, as we quickly found out how cheap things really were. You get what you pay for! But we've put in crown molding, new doors, fresh coats of neutral yet colorful paint in each room, etc. We still need to change a few doors and redo the flooring on the first floor, but all in all it's a good house. Even though it's a tough housing market, we have no unrealistic expectations. We'll price it for a little more than what we paid, and hope to - at least in the end - break even, if not make a little profit.

We're not to the point where we're ready to sell (the house really needs to be perfect & it's not there yet), but we made the decision yesterday to rent a second place to call home. It's in downtown Cleveland; 5-6 blocks from where I work, and Brad can hop on a bus or train & go 10 miles to where he works. Much more convenient, brand new construction and we have a nice top floor (8th floor), corner unit. It's a one bedroom so it's a definite downsize. However, we at least have a plan - finish the house upgrades, keep enough furniture there to make it look lived in, rent some other furniture (like couches, beds, etc.) when we do put it on the market, and take the belongings we need/cherish the most with us to the apartment.

We looked at other places and this was the last on our list. But I must say, after we saw that last unit I couldn't have felt more at home. I realized that though it may sound immature, I miss being downtown. I miss being able to walk to work, walk to shopping, restaurants, etc. Yes, Cleveland isn't big enough where we can just take public transportation everywhere. But we can take the train one stop to the famous West Side Market. We're within walking distance of every sports stadium and most of the theatres and auditoriums. Just a block away is a cozy little alley with every type of restaurant, all with outdoor seating, and strings of lights are run from one building across the alley to the next. It's a piece of paradise and we'll soon be calling it home.

The biggest reason for moving was originally to be closer to work so I could eliminate 90+ minutes a day from my commute. I'm working unbelievable amounts of overtime and it's not going to stop until we're through a huge software conversion in October. So until then we were looking for a part-time place to call home. But then we found our new home & everything else in regards to plans and our current home fell into place.

I can't speak for Brad, but I know that ever since yesterday I feel a lot happier than I've been in a long time. I'm a city girl, and I'm happy that as of next week I'll be a city girl again. I can't wait to walk to work down cozy 6th Street and maybe even have the time to go home for lunch some days. I long for the day where Brad & I are able to eat a nice, homemade dinner before 6:30pm...maybe even before 6pm! And yes, even though I may have to go back to work afterwards, it's just a quick 5 minute drive (walking in Cleveland late at night by yourself is not recommended!). When it comes down to it, I'm not a person who should be living in a remote area or even a suburb. I often wonder if that speaks to an immaturity level on my part, but life is short and if this is where I'm happiest then that's my prerogative!

Even better yet, it's the first big step we've made towards "the transition." The transition out of Ohio to our final destination. Step one: Sell the house. And renting something in the short term while we do that, and then having it to stay in until "Step two" is really quite a perfect plan. It will be a little hectic & trying, but I'm hoping that when our lease expires in October we will be able to extend it and not be forced back into the home.

That being said, it's weird to think that this is the last week that we will be living in the house. A lot of things have happened since 2005, though most of them were not ones to cherish & remember in a positive light. Our luck really turned after we bought the house, and maybe...just maybe...it will turn to positive luck once we're out of there. Then again, people often say that you make your own luck without meaning to. I don't know if I entirely believe that, but if having a positive attitude & being happy with your surroundings are more likely to bring you good luck, then this upcoming year should be a really good one.

Late Night Talk Show Debacle

2010-01-18T15:46:00.022-05:00

Something a little lighthearted for today - the late night talk show debacle.

The big entertainment news these days is Leno vs. Conan and who should rule "The Tonight Show." Given the other issues of huge importance across the globe, it might seem ridiculous that I choose to spend time blogging about this. But here I go.

There is a big uproar from people across the country about Conan O'Brien being kicked to the curb by NBC after only seven months on the infamous "Tonight Show". Though I've seen thousands of people of all ages support Conan, the majority of the die-hard fans appear to be my age - the Generation-X folks. These are people born in the 60's & 70's after the baby boomers, and Conan is a big part of that generation. My generation.

So why is my generation so upset? Why am I so upset? Well, I took some time during my long commutes to/from work and came to the following conclusion. I'm not just upset because one of the funniest people of my generation is being taken off the air. I'm upset because what is happening to Conan is very much representative of a Gen-Xers life.

Gen-Xers are shoved between baby boomers & Generation-Y, or the "Next Generation" as they call themselves. Do you notice something here? You have baby boomers who are so vast in numbers they control most of the world, and then Gen-Y calls themselves the next generation. Where do Gen-X folks fall, besides into the position of the forgotten middle child?

Conan is the middle child here; he represents Generation X. My generation grew up with him as he worked as a writer on "The Simpson's" and "Saturday Night Live", only to take the world by surprise and secure himself as host of "Late Night with Conan O'Brien." He was smart, clever, and had a unique sense of humor that my generation understood. He took comedy to a new level that was above the standard microphone comics who could do nothing but one-liners. It was intelligent comedy.

Leno is the baby boomer whose power overwhelms the other generations due to their numbers. His humor fit in with that generation, and he sat in "The Tonight Show" chair for 17 years. His first few years were rough, but then he had great success. But when Conan started getting other offers from various networks NBC executives decided that they needed to keep him. After all, Conan was the future, right? So somehow a deal was worked out and Leno was to retire in 2009, handing the reins over to Conan. Seems fair, right? After all, Conan had paid his dues, put in his time, and the next logical career move was to take over for Leno when he left.

NBC starts panicking about their all-important baby boomer, and they decide he still has a lot of life left in him. Leno agrees and they come up with an idea to put him on TV for an hour every night at 10pm. Leno does his thing until 11pm, then local news, and then Conan comes on at 11:35pm. NBC execs thought it was brilliant, though I could never say the same.

So finally Jay moves aside and Conan gets the promotion he rightfully deserves. All of the sacrifices and time spent waiting had paid off. Or had they? Leno flops. Local news flops. Conan flops. It's a domino effect, and before you know it NBC is scrambling to recreate what it once had. And to them, it means putting an experienced baby boomer in the captain's chair again at "The Tonight Show."

So Leno eagerly takes advantage of the situation and says "You know, I didn't want to leave the Tonight Show after all. Do you mind waiting indefinitely some more until I decide I am done with this job? You know, when I'm 70+ years old? Because there is no reason for me to leave if I'm still popular."

NBC tries to move Leno into "The Tonight Show" time slot but lets Conan keep the show name. They think Conan will just accept it, because he should just be grateful to have a job. So Conan does the right thing and says "No, I'm better than that, the show deserves more respect than that so fine, have your show back and I'll take my chances." Though it has yet to be announced, I can say that this is likely Conan's last week on "The Tonight Show" and Jay Leno will be returning to host until he either keels over on stage or becomes unable to perform. When he's done 10+ years from now, I guarantee you the person to replace him will be a Gen-Yer because, after all, they are the next generation.

Is this the end of Conan's career? I bet everything I own when I say "no." He'll go on to something that's hopefully bigger and better, and hopefully to a network that cares more about him and my generation than NBC.

So again, I pose the question - why do I care? Because what happened to Conan is what is happening to a lot of us. My generation is stuck waiting around in mid-level jobs for the baby boomers to retire...except they aren't retiring. They are living longer and keeping their better paying, more satisfying jobs longer. They tease us with retirement dates that never come. They even "retire", but still manage to keep their jobs after they retire. And when they finally do move on, it's Generation Y that's looked at as their replacement because they are, after all, the next generation. You can get them cheaper, they are more tech savvy than any other generation, and they usually have a higher level of education (though I would argue that getting a degree is easier today than it was even 10 years ago).

Conan not getting a real chance and getting booted by a guy that was to exit the stage is just another example of Generation X getting passed over. We are not seen as a generation that brings any value or strength in numbers. We are officially the middle, red-headed stepchild that is caught between two larger generations and completely ignored. But in this rare moment my generation is being heard. Stories are everywhere about the rallies, petitions and Facebook movements to support Conan and his staff. Though I'm stuck in Cleveland, I've done my part by sending off emails, joining Facebook groups such as "I'm with CoCo", and answering poll after poll in support of my guy. I will stick by Conan and whatever network is smart enough to bring him and his staff onboard; NBC can fall off a cliff as far as I'm concerned, and that's hard to say because I had a tendency to like a few of their shows. But as a network they have made it clear they don't care about my generation, so I don't care about them. My generation is sticking together on this one; we are looking out for each other, and I don't expect that to change.

My generation isn't going to keep Conan on "The Tonight Show." What it will do - at least I hope it will do - is wake us all up from our slumber and realize that even though we may be smaller in numbers, we do have a voice. We do have value. We do matter to this country, even if people completely are oblivious to it.

Conan taking a stand and refusing to compromise is something all of us should take note of. Yes, he's an entertainer making millions, but in the end he is a representation of what is going on across America. So while it may seem like a shallow movement to be a part of when you first look at it, after a lot of consideration it is more meaningful than what initially meets the eye. It's a reflection of our society, and it's woken my generation from a mind-numbing slumber while we wait for our turn in line. Maybe we should all take a cue from Conan and stop waiting; it's time we make our own opportunities instead of waiting for them to be eventually handed down.

Weekend

2010-01-18T15:44:00.001-05:00

I can honestly say I had a delightful weekend. Yes, "delightful", meaning "greatly pleasing or entertaining."

On Saturday I woke up not feeling the best. No biggie there, since that's how I've felt all month due to weird stomach aches & headaches. Probably stress related, at least that would be the easiest answer. I start out the day with a call to my mom, checking in to see if we were all going to get together that day. My dad's 62nd birthday had been on the 12th, but he had literally been quite sick the past week to the point he missed almost five full days of work. Very unusual. My mom was also not feeling the greatest, though not nearly to the extent of my father. So even though no one was feeling perfect, we agree to get together at Pad Thai in Fairlawn for lunch along with my brother and his girlfriend who were driving up from Athens that day.

I managed to get in my 30 minutes on my fairly new Wii Fit, which I've been very good about using so far. So far it's an entertaining way to get in a little exercise each day and makes it feel more like a game than a chore. Anyone who knows me knows I love games and am very competitive, so this is right up my alley. Right now my only competition is myself, but really that's all I need.

Brad & I get ready, do a quick check to make sure we have the birthday cards & gift, and then head out the door. We all gather at the restaurant, and despite being ill or tired, we kick-off what turns out to be a delightful day.

It's not like we did anything particularly interesting or different; we just spent time together as a family. My brother's girlfriend is a fairly new addition and it was only the second time I've spent time with her as she goes to school about eight hours away. However, even with this new face it was a completely relaxed, comfortable and fun day. We shared stories, laughed, looked at old photos, watched football and ate some good food in between. With my brother away at school it's not often we're all in the same room together, and it was just a perfect day.

I'm not sure what changes are in store for all of us in the next year or two. I have a feeling it will involve several moving trucks that will likely take us all further away from each other. But until then the lesson is to enjoy the here and now - make the most of what you have while you still can.

Busy

2010-01-14T11:17:00.005-05:00

Busy is the key word for January, but then again when you're a Controller and your fiscal year ends in December, January's are always busy. I did a silly thing and joined Brad on a mini-trip to Seattle last weekend, since I lived in Washington state from 1989-1991. While living in Wenatchee I spent a lot of time in Seattle, especially since I was sick with something no one could correctly diagnose (turned out to be Lyme Disease). The Seattle Children's Hospital was an all-too-familiar site, but I choose to not revisit that location during our recent visit. Brad had never been to Washington and even though we only had two days I wanted to be able to show him some great sites that I remembered fondly from my childhood. Lots to share, including some decent pictures, but that will have to wait until this weekend when I actually have some time to do a write-up. But I will say now that despite the time zone change and lack of sleep I really enjoyed it.

January is always a weird month personally. I'm in the aftermath of Christmas and a bit in a fog after all of the time off. Because I live in Ohio it's usually cold, dark, snowy/rainy and a bit depressing (except for today, which is actually brightly sunny). I'm tired from all of the family & friend events, broke from the gift buying, and even though I had all that time off it was spent running around like crazy so I'm still lacking sleep. But then January starts and it's a fast paced sprint to get through everything that needs to be done.

This year I started off doing things a little differently though - I actually added to the chaos by trying new things that would hopefully, at some point, decrease the chaos. I've started up the Franklin planner again, which I've been out of since 2005. I stopped using it because I was in health care consulting and my job description was basically to be at everyone's beck & call so there was no need for a prioritization list. My back pain was also horrible so carrying the thing around became a burden. What I didn't realize then is how much I not only needed it professionally, but also personally. I took a seminar on the planner in 1997, which was paid for by the company I was working for at the time. It wasn't just about keeping track of scheduling or to-do items; it was about prioritizing your life so that you spent the majority of your day working towards your short & long term goals. It helped me keep my life in perspective, and prioritize what was meaningful and what wasn't. It may sound silly, but taking that seminar at the time completely changed my life. A few months later I put in my notice with a company I had been at for almost four years & had been very successful at, all so I could pursue my dreams of finding a job where I could attend college at the same time, not to mention a job where I could actually see my family & friends because I wouldn't be working 80+ hour weeks. I picked the Twin Cities in Minnesota as my new home, packed up my stuff and headed for the unknown. But I had a plan, and that little planner kept me on track. Then a few life issues started getting in the way, mostly in the "health" category, but I was still able to maintain a decent balance.

What I've lost the last few years is balance. Balance, happiness, productivity, fulfillment and overall meaningful time accomplishing my short & long term goals. I've spent the last few years in complete reactive mode instead of proactive mode. I'm not going to beat myself up about it because with the health struggles I've had, being reactive was really all I could be most of the time. But what started as being reactive just in regards to my health filtered in to everything else, and I found myself with a mess of a brain & body trying to handle it all but accomplishing few things meaningful in the process.

I have a long ways to go before I'm back to that place I was back in 1997, but at least I'm heading towards the path; I have a partial map, but at least I know the general direction.

I still don't know what's in store for 2010, but in the end I just want it to be a year of progress. I was hoping that 2009 would be the same, but it wasn't - it was a big "stall", and I'll take the responsibility for that. This year my goal is to be the "Renewed & Improved" Carrie. And now that it's in writing out there in cyberspace, it holds my feet to the fire a bit to actually make it happen.

Or to quote "The Office" - "Make it happ'n, Capt'n"

Thank Goodness For .....

2009-12-31T21:13:00.002-05:00

Looking back at the last 10 years, I thought I'd write down what I'm most thankful for:

Technology:

TIVO
iPods
Wireless access
EZ Pass technology
Navigational systems

TV Shows:

Arrested Development
The Office
Top Chef
The Soup
Lost and House (it's a tie)

Web Sites:

Facebook
The awesomeness of Google & it's search engine
Blogger
Television Without Pity
Crazy Days & Nights (.net)

Great Cities to Visit:

Washington, D.C.
Chicago
Kansas City, MO
Minneapolis/St. Paul, MN
New York City, NY

The First 10 Years of the 21st Century (2006-2009)

2009-12-31T20:51:00.005-05:00

As a continuation from my previous post. Part two, years 2006 to 2009.

2006

The calm after the storm.
I continued to suffer from unexplained back and leg pain. Then all-over body pain kicked in. I was given injections, had nerves partially cut and prescribed medications that ruined my brain. I was miserable and I couldn't get answers. Doctors kept ping-ponging me to other doctors.
I turned 30 in May. In an effort to make the birthday special, my parents bought me a piano. Music = happiness.
I went to Chicago and met up with Maurice, Chrissy & her husband Mike. It had been awhile since we spent a weekend there. It wasn't long after we left that Chrissy & Mike had their first child!
Brad started his MBA program that summer.
Our fish Norman died; he was a little over 2 years old. In August we got another fish, Eddie, who got this horrible disease from the store and only lived three weeks. We then bought Sammy ("The Knee") who was pretty hardy & healthy.
We went to another Formula 1 race, as we got two free tickets after the tire incident the year before. We gave the free ones to a friend of ours in California, who brought his girlfriend. Brad & I were there Thursday - Sunday. We got to do the pit walk-thru, which was amazing. It was sweltering hot (over 100 degrees and humid), but it was a lot of fun. At the first corner of the race there was a massive accident, so minimal cars actually raced. Again we were robbed of a normal race. It was the last race in the U.S. before it was pulled from the schedule.
My Grandma Balarin & her husband Roy moved to Akron from California in July. It was the first time in my lifetime that she didn't live over a thousand miles away; unfortunately the closer distance didn't improve the overall family relationship. I don't think she knows how to be a parent or grandmother, and I don't think she's too concerned with that. But we still love her, she's family.
For work, I participated in my first major webinar as an educator/instructor, on the topic of retail clinics, which was sponsored by a large healthcare association. The owner of our firm was the moderator, and the VP was the other educator. It was a huge success, and out of the three of us I had the highest rankings. It was another high point at a job I hated.
In October Brad & I went back to Minnesota for my cousin Tate's wedding, which also allowed us to see old friends/co-workers. We had a great time reconnecting, and made it for the standard Friday-afternoon-drinking at Concept Group where I (and Brad) had once worked. We also went to an art fair where a few old Grouper's had work on display. It was nice to be back, though we didn't get to stay long enough.
In November I saw an orthopedic surgeon with The Cleveland Clinic. After looking at 13-month old CT scans, he noticed I had vertebrae fractures (three of them) above the artificial disc, which is why they thought I was in so much pain. A surgery was scheduled for 2007.
I took Brad to our first football game in Ohio in December - Browns vs. Chiefs. Browns won at the end, we were disappointed. It was freezing cold and the Browns fans were drunk, rowdy, loud and rude. They really ruined the game more than the loss.
Immediately after Christmas Brad received a call from his mom. She was suffering from end stages of renal failure. We hopped in the car and drove the 12 hour drive to Iowa to visit her. The docs gave her 6 months; she definitely outlasted their predictions. Yet another fighter in the family, and another year ending with unhappy news.

2007

The founder of the company I worked for left and sued the new owners for breach of contract. He also started a new business to compete with them. It was ugly. I knew I had to start looking for another job, because without the founder (who was the only sales person - and great at it), the company would fail. I was also miserable there. I tried to help the company by trying my best to market/sell our services (since I was the only one with a marketing background), but they just didn't get it and usually made decisions that were not in the best interest of the business.
The Bears went to the SuperBowl against the Colts. The Bears lost. On the way home from my parent's, a deer ran out in front of my car and did some damage. (must have been a celebrating Colts fan)
Had a partial fusion spine surgery on Tuesday, February 20. Got out in two days from the hospital, though it was only because the treatment I received was horrible & I wanted to go home. The pain levels were so bad I should have stayed another day. I was home for four weeks recovering. I could tell immediately that the partial fusion had done more harm than good. It greatly limited my mobility and I was in even more pain.
Brad & I celebrated our 5th anniversary at home. He worked,& I was still recovering at home from the back surgery. My parents were kind enough to bring us a meal from a local steakhouse, and they also picked up a cake I had ordered that was to represent the cake we had at our wedding. The cake was pretty horrible, but was still had a good evening. It had been an eventful five years.
In April, Brad's uncle died in Fairfax, VA. He was a great guy, and we had visited him many times. Truly a class act. I will remember him for our late night talks around the kitchen table while drinking and snacking.
Also in April I had my first work-related article published, on retail clinics. It had two other names listed as authors for "marketing" purposes, but in reality I wrote the whole thing. Another accomplishment. I ghost-wrote two other articles for the large health care association that year as well. Because my job was as a business analyst/project manager/marketer, the names of the owners/VPs were more important to showcase.
In May I spent five days in NYC. It was for work (the old founder was doing teaching engagements and I had to attend for hard-to-explain reasons), but I had a lot of play time, too. I walked/explored the streets alone, day & night. I saw lots of Midtown & Times Square. I also went to Battery Park, Wall Street, and the WTC site. Being at the WTC was something I'll never forget. Though it was almost six years later, there was still a giant hole in the earth where the towers once stood. It adds a different perspective to the events of that day.
Our original fish, Fish One, passed away. He was four years old, which is a miracle. I never thought I'd be able to keep something alive that long. He was such an interactive fish, I hated to see him go. I wrapped him in tissue paper and put him in this rectangular tin I had gotten when I was a kid; on the tin it had fishes swimming in clear blue water with colorful plants and shells. We buried him under a berry bush we planted in our front entryway of our home.
I continued my search for answers to my pain, because it just continued to get worse. I could also tell it was not just spine-related. Frustration continued to grow. Given the health situation and the events from 2005, I will say I started finding myself in a depression that lasted several years. I'm still not sure if I'm 100% out of it, but I am much better.
At the end of September my Grandma Grimm had a massive heart attack. Though over 90% of her heart was not functional, she bounced back against the odds. Another fighter who never gives up. I love her so much and I'm glad she's still with us.
While my mom was back in Iowa with her mom, our family cat Benny became very ill. Turns out he had what my brother nicknamed "kitty cancer." Poor long-haired cat had to have his entire body shaved with the exception of his face and the end of his tail; he looked like a little lion. He was prescribed meds and went through a few procedures, and my parents took the best care of him & spared no expense to extend his life & make him comfortable.
In November I received a job offer for a Controller position with the engineering firm I worked for in 2003-2004. I took it. I was miserable at the consulting firm, though I had made close friendships with several people. It was time to leave, though. I started my new position on December 10. It was a great way to end the year.

2008

Started the year fighting with Cleveland Clinic doctors who at this point wanted nothing to do with me because they couldn't diagnose me. However, I got one test back that allowed me to put the pieces together - a high ANA level and low platelets. The docs didn't know what to do with this, but I did my research and discovered it could be an implant reaction from my 2005 spine surgery. All the symptoms fit, I just had to find someone to help me prove it. It took me until October to find that person, and he was in Baltimore, Maryland.
This was a year of "holding steady." Brad continued working towards his MBA, and frequently visited his mother. I dug in at my job and put in a ton of hours to start updating and improving how the accounting/HR department was functioning. However, with my health continuing to worsen, I began to fear how much longer I'd be able to work.
For our 6th anniversary we went to D.C. for a four-day weekend. I think this is when we really fell in love with the region and started thinking about moving there.
In the early Spring we decided to buy a couple more fish for the tank to keep Sammy company; Andy & Frankie. All redcap goldfish, and all very funny fish to interact with.
2008 Presidential election; yet another election where I don't want to vote for any candidate. Not only was I depressed about my own condition, but now I was depressed about where our country was heading. The financial bubble burst and everything took a sharp downturn - housing, jobs, everything. We were lucky, our jobs were relatively safe and our finances were stable. It was hard to see a few friends have harder paths.
The week before election night I lost Sammy, our fish. On election day/night I also lost Andy & Frankie. Something definitely went through the tank, but I couldn't save them. We decided to put away the tank and to go fishless for awhile. I still miss having them.
Brad introduced me to Facebook. I was reluctant, but it's actually been a very cool way of connecting with people across the country that I left behind with my many moves.
I had blood tests done in August & in September had the results: I was having a reaction to the metals in the artificial disc. It was likely the cause of my pain and deterioration. My body was attacking itself, and was destroying necessary systems such as platelets, tissues and muscle. I was so happy to have a definitive test result, though most docs still don't believe in implant reactions. They are idiots. I was also a bit angry, as I had asked even before the first surgery if this was a possibility and was told no. I asked that question to every doc I saw from 2005-2008 and was told no; they were wrong. It was a good lesson to always trust your instincts; just because you don't have a medical degree doesn't mean your own knowledge is useless.
In October I saw a top surgeon in Baltimore for removal of the artificial disc. He had removed over 100 of them; I knew I was in good hands. While I was in town I also saw the vascular surgeon, as part one of the operation would require a 7" inch cut across the front of me. I was told that the surgery was very dangerous, as it required them to be working next to a major artery. Because I had an implant reaction it had to be done, but I was told to get my affairs in order because the likelihood of me dying on the table was a real possibility. Dying of a blood clot was also a huge risk, so they made the decision to put in an IVC filter right before the surgery - which was made of nickel, a metal that I was already reacting negatively to with the artificial disc. But it's what needed to be done. I only told Brad of the risks, no one else. In the meantime I planned & prepared for the best and worst cases. The surgery was scheduled the week of Thanksgiving.
I had to get clearance from my Cleveland Clinic primary care physician for the surgery no more than 30 days prior. I tried to get in early as I was afraid my blood work might be an issue. The scheduler & nurse refused to get me in sooner than two days before I was to leave for Maryland despite my protests. I went in on a Monday; the nurse treated me horribly, I felt like I was in the movie "The Doctor." On Tuesday I got the call; my platelet count was dangerously low, only 31,000. It should have been a minimum of 150,000. I left work to get another blood test run, and this time the count was in the 20's. I was denied surgery and had to go to a hematologist. I lost my surgery time slot, and I also lost my mind for about an hour. All the built up stress of 3-1/2 years came pouring out in about a 90 minute complete & total breakdown.
I saw The Cleveland Clinic hematologist, who was another one who didn't believe in implant reactions and how it effects platelet counts. He ran a series of tests, which I had to wait several days on for results before he'd do anything. They came back negative, which I knew they would. He put me on an extremely high dose of steroids for four days, after which I was to just "go off" of. Thanksgiving weekend I had a fever, slept the whole time, felt like I had the flu and my throat starting getting sore.
After the treatment my platelets were up at 380,000; he cleared me for surgery for December 15, though by that time the platelets would be back down and I'd still need a transfusion. He had just wanted to "see if he could raise my platelet count." What he did was give me oral thrush, and it almost made me lose my second surgery slot because my throat almost swelled shut. Completely reckless medicine; it wouldn't be the last time I had to deal with him.
I left for Baltimore with Brad on December 9. I left work and home not knowing if I'd return. As I took one more look around the living room before we left, I thought to myself "Please don't let Brad return here alone."
On December 10 I had the IVC filter put in, which was an outpatient procedure. The next few days we spent sitting around the hotel room while I recovered and did a few last things for the Christmas holiday. I also spent time writing emails to family & friends, knowing it could be the last thing they receive from me.
On December 13 we were treated to a home cooked meal at cousin's house (Brad's side). It was great to spend the evening with such a wonderful family.
On December 14 I had a "last day" idea - to go to Philadelphia & see Independence Hall with Brad. I love D.C., but I really wanted to see Philly. It also allowed us to drive through Delaware & New Jersey, so I could cross two more states off my list. While we didn't get to eat at Morimoto's because it was closed, we ate across the street at Jone's, which was owned by the same restaurant group. I ate my last pre-surgery meal: a perfect bowl of chicken noodle soup. I had never tasted soup that simple yet flavorful. Around 9:30pm my parents & brother arrived at the hotel; they had flown in from Ohio to be there for the surgery. I didn't know it at the time, but my mom had done research and knew death was very possible. There was no way they were not going to be there. My brother gave me a mini bear with the Chicago Bears logo on it. That meant so much to me that they were there, and that bear went with me to the hospital.
On Monday, December 15, I had back surgeries 3 & 4. The surgery lasted a little over three hours, which was much shorter than anticipated. I needed a platelet transfusion. The surgical staff were wonderful. The surgeons were so skilled and they gave me my life back. I will forever be grateful to them. I came out of the operating room with two-seven inch incisions in the front & back of me. I was in post-op for several hours waiting for my room, but I was able to see Brad, my dad & brother briefly. I was brought to a beautiful, fairly new private room about 20 minutes before my dad & brother had to leave to go back to Ohio. I had a stomach tube and many other tubes & IV's in me. Thank goodness for pain meds. Brad & my mom stayed in town, and came every day to the hospital to sit with me and help me through the daily tasks that occurred.
On Friday, December 19 I was released from the hospital to a Residence Inn. That hotel became my home the next 2-1/2 weeks. My mom stayed a few more days and then went back to Ohio. Poor Brad was stuck with me, but he was so wonderful.
On December 22 I had my first physical therapy visit - and my last. I was able to walk the hallways without a walker and was able to do a flight of stairs on my own, at a good pace. I was also able to do most tasks for myself; I was ahead of the curve, but had also been through the surgery thing before!
Before my mom left, Brad got to see a friend at a local news station on a Sunday morning. She let him sit in their "news room" so you could see him during the broadcast. He was like a kid in a candy store, and he totally deserved that experience.
Brad & I spent Christmas Eve at the hotel. I started the day out with a great surprise - i was able to have my 50+ staples removed. I was thrilled! For dinner, since we had a kitchen in the room we made a traditional "Iowa" meal - ham, mashed potatoes, roles and dessert. We watched "Christmas Vacation." It still felt like the holidays though we missed being with family.
On Christmas Day Brad gave me a very special gift - a necklace from Jared. It had six stones, three clear and three emerald (which is my birthstone). Basically one stone for every year of marriage. It was a special gift because it was the first piece of jewelry I had gotten besides my engagement/wedding ring, and because of the timing of it all.
On Sunday, December 28, around 9pm, Brad got a call from a cousin in Iowa; his mom was in the hospital and not in good shape. All of a sudden he had to deal with a wife who was to hopefully be cleared to leave the state the next day, and a mother who was not well. It was horrible timing, and set the stage for 2009.
December 29 I was cleared to go home. We spent the afternoon packing, and Brad spent time on the phone caring remotely for his mom. The next day we did the trip back to Ohio in a day; I wanted to get home so Brad could continue on to Iowa, which he decided to do. I stayed home, as I wasn't good enough to make the trip. It broke my heart to not be there for him.

2009

The first couple of months were tough. Brad went to Iowa a few times for his mom, who eventually went from the hospital to a nursing home. He was also trying to stay on track for his MBA, as this was to be his last year. So he was balancing a surgical-recovery patient of a wife, a sick mom, work and his MBA classes.
I started working from home at the first of the year. In fact, I had really been working the entire time, but now I was putting in full days. I was even emailing from my hospital bed...sad, I know. By late January I was splitting my time between home & the office, and by February I was back in the office full time. It was year-end close and very hectic; I wished my surgery would have occurred in November as it would have been better timing, but nothing I could do there!
In February I had to get clearance to get the IVC filter removed in Baltimore. I went to a new primary care physician who was not a Cleveland Clinic doc. My platelet count was 16,000; I'm guessing the nickel filter that was in a main artery was really sending my body into a sad state of affairs. The doc referred me back to the Cleveland Clinic hematologist, as I was a new patient and she thought that was the best route even though I tried to get her to change her mind. I went back to the loon, who talked me into scheduling an IV treatment that lasted 6 hours...and was also very "alternative" and needed special clearance from insurance. I scheduled it, but went home & did the research, and found it was to be used for lymphoma patients only. It was very dangerous and could cause strokes, blindness, etc., especially when the patient didn't have lymphoma. So basically the hematologist was trying to kill me for his own sick pleasure. Again, he just wanted to see if he could raise the count; he admitted I would still need a transfusion before the procedure. I managed to reach the vascular surgeon, who told me to cancel the procedure, ignore the crazy docs and Cleveland and just come up to Baltimore; they would take care of everything. The day of the procedure my platelets were at 9,000; I basically had none. They did the transfusion and then took out the filter by going in through my neck. I was awake the whole time, and still have the scar. I saw the filter after they pulled it out, and it was 5x's bigger than I had imagined.
In March, Brad & I went to see his mom, who continued to decline. On our way there we got a call; she was getting worse. We spent four days there; I had to leave to go back to work for a deposition that I couldn't get out of. It was a hassle getting back home (thanks, Delta), but when I did get back the deposition was canceled - go figure. The next day, March 20, at 12:30am CST, Brad's mom passed away. Brad was at the nursing home but was not in the room with her at the time. She was such an amazing woman and outlived the predictions. The visitation and funeral were so touching, and so many people came out to pay respects from both of our families. It was also the first time I got to meet my niece (Zoe) and nephew (Roman), and also Brad's brother Todd who is in the military and couldn't make it to our wedding.
In May I turned 33, and felt like I was having a mini-life crisis. All of a sudden I started wondering what I had done with my life. I wasn't satisfied with where I was at.
At the end of May we visited Cincinnati and my friend Maurice. While we were there Benny, the family cat, passed away.
In June I decided to replace the Corolla I bought in 2005, since it had 80,000 miles on it. I bought a 2010 Corolla, which had bluetooth, satellite radio, the ability to plug my iPod into the stereo and an awesome sound system. I practically live in my car because of my long commute, so those things were must haves.
In July we took our first trip to the northeast. My brother was in Cape Cod over the summer with a theatre group (through his university in Ohio), so the main reason was to see him. We spent time in Quincy, Mass., and saw the homes & burial sites of John & John Quincy Adams. Saw my brother for only a few hours, but it was still a great time. We spent the 4th of July day in Boston, and the evening in Providence, RI where we saw WaterFire. We started heading back and stopped at Foxwoods in Connecticut, the coolest casino ever - I wish we could have stayed longer than a few hours! Our final stop was in Auburn, NY, where we visited William Seward's home. It was honestly the best historical house I have ever been to in my life. The family did an amazing job preserving the house, and he was a fascinating person.
On July 15 I had carpal tunnel surgery on my right hand; it was successful. But the best news came when they did the pre-surgery blood work - my platelet count was back to normal at 191,000. Yeah!
Also in July, I started "Troy McClure Wednesday's" on Facebook. Every Wednesday I do a new Troy McClure quote; it's a highlight of my week.
In August, Brad started his last MBA class - economics.
In October, Brad got a much deserved promotion. After which he decided to also get a new car, a 2010 Camry.
Also in October, I had another series of blood tests run; my platelet count was 331,000. Unbelievably normal/strong count! I also found that the weird all-body pains I had were finally gone. However, I was still left with nerve, muscle & tissue damage from the 3-1/2 years I struggled with the auto-immune reaction to the artificial disc.
In November, after Thanksgiving, we went to Chicago for the weekend. I saw my friend Chrissy & her husband, and finally met her (now) two kids. We also ate at a Weber Grill restaurant and picked up some special Gibson's Steakhouse seasoning. It was a great weekend!
December was a hectic mess. Long hours at work. Not enough time to get Christmas stuff done. And to top it off, I got a horrible sinus infection followed by a bad cold.
December 7 - Brad takes his last final (which he passes); he is now done with his MBA!
On December 17 Brad & I took off for a Midwest trip. I was still sick, but we weren't canceling! It was mostly a gift to Brad for his MBA, and also a chance for us to see our Iowa family. We spent time in Springfield, Illinois, where we saw Lincoln's home & the museum; we also drove through the mobile home park I lived at when I was three. We went to Kansas City where I took him to Ruth's Chris for a good steak; the next morning we ate at a local diner gem where I met two of his college friends. One of them I was excited to meet - Traci. If we lived in Kansas City I could picture us being close friends, she is absolutely fantastic. We went to Arrowhead and saw a Chiefs vs. Browns game, and once again the Browns won. However, the experience was awesome; I've never been to a football game where the fans weren't drunk and rude. The energy was amazing. We went to Maryville, MO, where Brad went to college. Classes were out, but faculty were there. We ran into several who remembered Brad, and we got a tour of the broadcasting facility where he spent most of his time. We also got to meet with the new President of the University for about 15-20 minutes, unannounced; he had been one of Brad's teachers. What a great guy, honestly, it was an honor to meet him. We then went to Iowa where we spent time with family & friends from both of our families, though we didn't have time to see them all. It was a really special time, and we outran the snow storm that was following us. What we didn't outrun was the constant downpour of rain, which continued for 3-1/2 days during our travels.
Christmas Eve was spent at the Grimm farm. It was great seeing my family, who I hadn't seen since 2007. One of my cousin's gave me a "Mr. Plow" (Simpson's) ornament, which is awesome, in honor of my Troy McClure Wednesday's. She also asked me to be a reader in her wedding in October 2010; I was surprised and very honored.
Christmas Eve night was also the standard "drive to Chicago and spend the night at a hotel; get a few hours of sleep and then head to wherever home is the next day." On Christmas Day we arrived at about 3pm in Akron, where we spent Christmas with my parents, brother, and Grandma Balarin (husband Roy is in a nursing home with Alzheimer's as of a few months ago).
The last week of 2009 I decided that I need a drastic life change. I work too much, take care of myself too little, and I'm not happy with how my life is allocated. So I'm taking steps to change it. Step 1: Get back into the Franklin Planner system. I was introduced to it in 1997 and it changed my life for the better. I got away from it a few years ago, and I need that system back. I'm a better person when I utilize the system. I have a very busy 2010 ahead of me and I don't want to lose focus on what is most important in life. Step 2: Write a big, long recap of the past decade. Get it all out on the table, and then put it to bed. It is, after all, a new year and a new decade.

The First 10 Years of the 21st Century (2000-2005)

2009-12-31T12:39:00.025-05:00

I didn't realize it until the other day, but as of tomorrow (1/1/10) we've made it past the first decade of the 21st century. I often wonder what I've done with my life those past ten years, so here's a (very long) recap. This way when my mind is completely gone I'll have this to look back on. Here is part one, years 2000-2005.

2000

Lived in downtown St. Paul at the Pointe of St. Paul, which were apartments at the time. Brad was my roommate. We were on the 25th floor, had a large balcony and amazing view of downtown & the Mississippi River. Because we were down the street from the state capitol building, we also had a lot of politicians living there. Because of the free breakfast Friday's we got to know many of them. Lots of interesting discussions, and in the end you realize they are people, too.
Promoted to Business Director for Concept Group. Was overseeing/handling the accounting, HR, IT and management aspects of the business. It was four blocks from where I lived, so I often just walked to/from work. It was awesome.
Attended Metropolitan State University, working towards a double-major of business administration and organizational communication. I had a very high GPA and the teacher's loved me. I loved the institution as it was geared towards working adults who had actual experience in the real world (like me).
Traveled to California that year (San Francisco, Fresno - to see my friend Kevin -Yosemite & Napa), and also made many trips to Illinois and Iowa to visit family.
My parents/brother moved to Akron, Ohio; I made a few trips there, which was my first time visiting Ohio instead of just driving through it.
I turned 24 years old on May 15; Brad turned 30 on January 21.
For the first time I took an active role in local politics. I was elected Secretary for our precinct and attended the district & state conventions. I saw lots of politicians in action; most whom I was not impressed with, but a few others blew me away. I still follow a few of them closely, and I'm hoping one of them runs for President some day.

2001

I was able to get tickets to the Presidential inauguration in D.C. However, I became horribly ill about six days beforehand with the flu, bronchitis and walking pneumonia. I was a mess, lost 15 pounds in 20 days, and couldn't do anything but sleep. I had to miss the event. I missed about 10 days of work, the longest ever (for a non-surgery related ailment).
Brad asked me to marry him on May 15, 2001 (my 25th birthday), in the kitchen of our apartment, around 6:30pm. The next evening we saw Billy Joel & Elton John in concert at the Target Center, which was an awesome way to celebrate.
Did my longest trip to California, with Brad, for 10 days. Hit Los Angeles, Dana Point, Fresno, Yosemite, Sacramento, Napa and San Francisco.
My Grandpa Suntken was moved to Ohio in August and into assisted living; he was suffering from either dementia or Alzheimer's. His mental health declined significantly after that move.
In mid-August I missed a step at the zoo and landed hard on one of my feet/legs. I ended up partially herniating the already torn disc in my back. I was on bed rest for a week.
9/11. No one who lived through it will forget it. It really did seem to "change everything."
That Fall was the last time I took college courses; I did not get my diploma nor have I returned. The key reason was that the back pain increased too much for me to work as much as I did and also attend school.
My mom's side of the family threw a wedding shower for Brad & I on Christmas Eve in a mansion in Clinton, Iowa. It was the first time many of the family members met Brad, and he was welcomed with open arms.

2002

Brad & I were married on March 2, 2002 at the St. Paul College Club in St. Paul, Minnesota. It was a high of 3 degrees with perfectly clear skies; it was very sunny. A blizzard had come through a couple days before, and the snow was frozen into blocks of ice. The ceremony started around 5:10pm (10 minutes late) and was done by 5:40pm. The reception was also held on-site; it was a great day despite the fact I was suffering from a severe sinus infection. We had 58 people in attendance; our closest family & friends. This was one of the best days of my life.
Living in downtown after 9/11 lost a bit of its appeal, so we moved to a rental townhome in Woodbury, MN. It was great, as there were walking paths nearby and it was a great place to go for a walk every day after work.
My brother graduated from high school in Ohio that June, and everyone was there for the event. I was so proud of him.
Brad had to spend time in Denver for his job, so one weekend I flew in and joined him. We spent three days in Colorado Springs, and it was gorgeous. We also did a trip up to Pike's Peak.
While driving home on Christmas Day from Iowa, Brad & I made the decision to move from Minnesota the next year. It was between Chicago and Cleveland.

2003

I met up with my friend Moe in January in Chicago, who helped me scope out apartments (Brad couldn't take off work). He played a gay, interior-designer-oriented friend (though he is, in reality, none of these things except a friend). It was a blast.
I told my employer in February that my last day would be at the end of May. I had too many responsibilities, I needed to give them that kind of notice/preparation.
Brad & I spent our 1st anniversary at Walton Hills in Ohio. It was a great romantic getaway. We also spent time looking for places to live, and we found the perfect one the last day we were there. We put down a deposit and made a choice to move to Cleveland.
The firm I worked for did a photo shoot with fish, and afterward they gave the fish to the staff. I took two redcap goldfish & named them Fish One & Fish Two.
Right before our move, when I was spending all of my time at work wrapping up things, Fish Two died. I felt horrible, as I felt it was because I was so busy I had neglected him.
The moving truck left Minnesota on May 31; we arrived in Sheffield Village, OH on June 1. Fish One road with me in the back of the car on the floor. I bought him a bigger tank as a gift.
My brother had a head injury in June, after cutting himself with a knife at work and passing out from the blood. I have never been so scared in my life, as he was in intensive care and in critical condition. No one knew the first 24 hours whether they would have to drill his head to release the pressure. Luckily it got better on its own and he was allowed back home a few days later. I couldn't imagine losing my brother so soon in life. I was also grateful to be in Ohio instead of Minnesota so I could actually be at the hospital so soon after it happened.
Brad & I struggled to find jobs. At one point I had three - a temp job with Viking Husqvarna, a freelancer bookkeeper job with a graphic design firm, and I worked at a grocery store. It about killed me, especially with my back issues. Eventually I obtained a bookkeeping position at an engineering firm in downtown Cleveland. I drove about 20 miles, took the Rapid (train) into downtown and then had a 10 minute walk in the snow/rain/high winds. I kept the freelance bookkeeping job, as the money from both was still significantly less than what I made in MN. Brad got a job with a A/V retailer that Fall.
For the first time, I missed Christmas Eve in Iowa. We couldn't get off work, and we didn't have the money to travel. My family sent a beautiful centerpiece so we knew they were thinking of us.

2004

The engineering firm I was working for was suffering financially. I worried for my job, as our department had too many staff (though most were near retirement). I was offered, out of the blue, a job with a health care consulting firm in the suburbs. One of the employees from the graphic design firm went to work there, and when the owner wanted someone who could do it all - accounting, marketing, business management, etc. - the guy thought of me and contacted me. I accepted the offer and started in April. After one day I hated it and felt I made a huge mistake. What was presented in the interview process was not reality. Though it was a group of 11 people, they were backstabbing, devious and arrogant. I could use more words, but I'll limit it to those three. There were a few great people, but the people at the top ruined the whole experience. I had never hated a job before, but I couldn't afford to leave so soon after I started, especially since it had been so hard to get a job in Cleveland. My commute was now 42 miles one-way, along Interstate 80.
We got another redcap goldfish & named him Norman. Fish One went around the tank ramming into him for a good hour , and poor Norman hid in the corner by a plant. But then Fish One showed Norman the ropes (including how to beg me for food by making a popping noise at the top of the tank), and after that they were awesome together. Fish One was always in charge, though!
Brad got a job with a A/V company that did home theater installations. He was doing sales & IT, and had normal hours. It was the first time both of us had 8-5 jobs!
My friend Chrissy got married in the Chicago suburbs. It was a beautiful wedding for a wonderful couple, and I was so glad we could be there!
My friend Maurice got married in Renaissance style. I was an attendant for him, and I was so honored! I represented "Earth", so my dress was green and in Renaissance fashion. We went there the day before to help set up in this log cabin in the woods. It was amazing and unforgettable. As all attendees had to dress up, Brad went as a monk. A big thanks to my mom for making our outfits!
With my job, I organized my first sales training. I also helped develop the materials and was responsible for some of the training. I also learned how to do video editing, which was a large part of the program. It was a huge success!
Brad & I went to D.C. for the first time since we moved to Ohio. We visited his family out there, and toured D.C. on a beautiful Saturday.
In December, my Grandpa & Grandma Grimm came to Ohio for a visit for about a week. It was a wonderful time, though I wasn't able to take off work during the week. One evening my Grandpa & I sat on the couch and recounted stories from years past. Later on when my Grandma, brother & mom had joined us, at one point my mom misunderstood my Grandpa and asked a really silly question. For some reason we all just cracked up for 10 minutes, tears in our eyes and barely able to breathe. I will never, ever forget that night and the words I exchanged with Grandpa. The most memorable - when he talked about the first time he met me. It was Christmas Eve, and I was 7 months old. My parents had driven from California and I was in the backseat in a car seat. Grandpa opened the door, took my little hand and said "Hi Carrie, I'm your Grandpa." I grabbed his hand back. He told me that "Even though you were too young to know who I was, I felt like you and I had a connection...and we still have that connection and always will."
For Christmas Eve we made it back to the farm; there is no better place to be on that day than the farm. Grandpa was there, as always, at the front door to welcome us. He was also by the door when we left - again, as always! - to give us a big hug and kiss, and to tell us goodbye with tears in his eyes but a grin on his face. It was the last Christmas I would get to experience this tradition.

2005 (the worst year)

My back and leg pain worsened to the point where I decided to have surgery. Artificial disc replacement had been approved by the FDA in October 2004, and the surgeons I had seen over the years recommended it over fusion. By late February it was on my schedule for May.
I finally quit the freelance bookkeeping job with the graphic design firm. It was time, and I was making enough money at my main job to drop it.
Brad & I came across a new cluster home in early April that we decided to buy. We had to close on it in less than three weeks, and it was our first home purchase.
We closed on our home on May 6; moved on May 7. Had Mother's Day celebration on May 8. My back surgery was on May 11, which was also my Grandpa Suntken's birthday. I took it as as lucky omen. By that time he was in his own world, so he had no clue who I was or what was going on. Still enjoyed visiting him, though, as he was almost reliving his life backwards. He often thought he was still working for Swiss Valley Farms and that my dad worked for him. My Grandpa was stuck at the "hotel" (really the nursing home), so my dad was doing the rounds for him. I remember the time my Grandpa was so upset because he said he got a call from a farmer who said my dad cut the money he was getting for dairy product. He told my dad that the farmer was a hard worker, had a large family & needed the money. I often wondered how many of these types of occurrences had really happened way back when.
I was home from surgery by May 13. On May 15 I went out with Brad and my family to Olive Garden for a meal, and then to Home Depot to get a few things for the house. It wasn't even a week after the surgery! It was a miracle.
I went back to work part time after Memorial Day. The first day I came home around 12:30. My mom was in the living room painting & Brad was upstairs. He didn't come down to greet me, so I went upstairs to him. He had been laid off work due to lack of work. The "irony" is that Brad asked his boss if he had to worry about his job before we bought the house and the guy said things were fine and we should buy it. What a jerk/liar.
By early June I felt normal again. I was leading, for the first time in years, a truly normal, energetic life. I felt my age, now 29. The surgery was a success...or so I thought.
Brad & I went to our first Formula 1 race in Indianapolis. Only six cars raced because of tire issues, so it was a rip-off/disappointment. The six cars basically used it for "testing", there was no racing. What was worse was that when we got back home I started having back pain again. This was the last time I felt "normal" - June 19.
In early July I went to the surgeon to determine why I was suffering with back pain. This would be a search for answers lasting over three years. No one could find anything, so I the pain injections and tests started up again with no clear results.
That summer my Grandpa Grimm was sick, but no one knew why. He wasn't himself.
In early July our basement flooded after three big rains. Turns out our footer drains were connected to the street sewer system. The builder made a change in the field and didn't document it. We lost some stuff, and the clean-up was a mess, despite the fact the builder coordinated/paid for the clean-up. We had water damage, plus a bunch of mulch, leaves, frogs and fast food containers in our basement, and the water was 12" high at one point.
In late July Brad got a temp job at a college in Cleveland. Luckily it turned into a permanent position.
At work I became involved in a new product line - medical retail clinics, such as MinuteClinic, but for hospitals to own. I flew to Minnesota & Wisconsin to research the models directly, and developed the whole process for us to sell to clients - site/partner exploration, a feasibility model,a business plan and an implementation plan with time line. I was really proud of it, and it became a big part of our business.
In August/September my Grandpa Suntken's health declined. He kept having mini-strokes. His mind was completely gone. He was admitted to the hospital several times and became unable to eat. He also would only say the word "No" and nothing else.
October 3 around 4:30pm my mom called me at work. My Grandpa Grimm was in the hospital and they thought it was leukemia. That night I had to go to the car dealership and sign paperwork to get my new car (which I couldn't postpone because my other car was 11 years old and having issues). It was a horrible, unexpected and devastating day.
October 4 I drove my mom to Iowa to see her dad/my grandpa. We got there too late so we waited and saw him on October 5. I had to go back home for work so I took a 6:30pm plane home. I told my Grandpa a quick goodbye, though he was so bad off that he didn't say anything back.
Also on October 4th Brad's sister had Zoe & Roman; our first niece & nephew. It was great to get such wonderful news despite everything else going on.
October 7 it was confirmed; Grandpa Grimm had leukemia. Doctors told him he had two weeks to live. He chose to go back home to the farm after he went through the last round of transfusions several days later.
October 8-9 Brad & I went to the hospital in Iowa. On October 9 my Grandpa & I exchanged goodbyes. I still remember what was said, but I'm not writing it here. It's personal. I was so grateful that he was having a good day, and that we had a one-on-one conversation. There was laughter, tears, hugs & kisses. I left knowing I would likely not see him again, which was devastating.
On November 5 I met with my dad & brother for lunch at a Thai restaurant. My mom was in Iowa with her dad (who was still alive & fighting). After lunch my dad asked if we wanted to see Grandpa Suntken, who was out of the hospital. We said yes, but when we arrived he was sleeping and snoring loudly. He sounded congested. The nurses said he had been difficult that morning, so we decided not to wake him up and left.
On November 6 I got a call from my mom around 6:30am. I thought my Grandpa Grimm had died; I was wrong. Instead she told my my Grandpa Suntken was admitted to the hospital in Akron & I needed to go meet my dad there. He was diagnosed with pneumonia; he could not breathe on his own and was given a respirator to see if his condition would improve. He was "asleep" the entire time; he never woke or communicated with anyone.
On November 10 Grandpa Suntken was taken off the respirator with my dad & brother present. I had been forced to be at work by my employer. However, it became clear he would not last long, so I was called for and drove there immediately. We sat in his room from 4pm-9pm. His stats were steady; the nurses thought it could be 24-48 hours. My dad insisted we go home and get some sleep; he would stay there. He insisted that he walk us to our cars. Adam & I told Grandpa Suntken goodbye in our own words. He was a strong, stubborn German until the end. I just walked in the door to my home when I got a call from my brother. Dad went back into the hospital and to a family waiting area where he was going to see if he could sleep for a bit. They had been paging him while he was with us at our cars. My Grandpa Suntken had passed away almost immediately after we left the room. A nurse friend of mine says that's common, that people wait to die until they are alone. My poor Dad never got to say goodbye. It was another difficult day.
On November 15 we buried Grandpa Suntken in Davenport, Iowa. I had written a seven page eulogy on the trip there, and I read it in lieu of having someone else read it/talk about his life. What made it 3x's harder was the having my mom's family - including my Grandma Grimm - in attendance. Grandpa Grimm was still alive, but we knew it was short lived. This would be the first of two family funerals that year. I wanted to see my Grandpa Grimm after the funeral, but Brad & I were sick and couldn't risk making him sick. We drove home the next day very sick...the trip took forever.
On Christmas Eve the Grimm family gathered at the farm as always, but instead of evening it started around 1pm. My Grandpa Grimm was failing quickly, we knew it wouldn't be much longer. We worried he wouldn't make it this far, but he had. He was in his makeshift, first floor room most of the time. Everyone was quiet & whispering. The mood was somber, but what he wanted was to have Christmas Eve, complete with ham, Christmas tree and gifts. We were going to make sure he had it. Before we opened gifts my uncles helped him to the couch in the living room. My aunt Krista sat by him, talking to him. It was the first time I had seen him since October. His sight was almost gone, he was thin, frail, and not himself. He did not have the twinkle in his eye or the upturned, laughing lips. At one point my aunt caught my eye and motioned for me to come over. She got up and I sat in her place. I held my Grandpa's hand and he actually held mine back - tightly. We actually had a conversation in sentences; from what I learned afterwords it appears it was the last conversation he had (he only said one-word phrases on a few occasions after that). Again, I'm not going to share what was said because it's private. However, I will say this. I find it so poignant that the first encounter I had with my Grandpa was with him holding my hand and I holding his right back...and the last encounter I had with him was the same. I sometimes find my hand in a clenched fist on a car passenger seat or on a couch, and I think of Grandpa; I like to think he's right there holding my hand. Brad, my dad & brother left for Chicago that night but my mom stayed behind.
December 28 at 2:30am EST I got the call from my mom; Grandpa Grimm had passed. Many of the family members were in the next room sleeping, keeping each other company. He had made it to his favorite time of year - Christmas Eve. He spent one last Christmas with the family, that was his wish and he made it. That was what he was about: family. He was filled with love and laughter, and without him life just isn't as bright. I'm so grateful to have 29 years of memories with him.
Brad & I drove back to Iowa on December 30 for the visitation; the funeral was December 31. I wrote a few pages about him and read them during the funeral. That evening (12/31) Brad, my brother & I went to Old Chicago in Davenport. We bought pizza and beers, and toasted to the Grandpa's. We also toasted to the end of what was our worst year. 2006 couldn't be any worse, could it?

Countdown to 2010

2009-11-25T11:59:00.005-05:00

Long time, no write. Well, I've actually been doing a lot of writing and a lot of reading, just on the subject involving our health system and proposed changes. I have come to the conclusion there is a direct correlation between my stress and blood pressure levels and how much time I spend thinking about health care so for my own sanity I'm taking a little break.

I'm stuck in the thirty-third year of my life wondering where to go from here. It's all very monotonous: Wake up, get ready, drive 45+ minutes to work. Run around frantically trying to meet deadlines, and if I'm lucky leave by 6pm. Drive another 45+ minutes back home, eat dinner, and then try to relax enough so I can fall asleep despite being in pain & discomfort. The next day it all starts again. Half of the weekends I end up either sick and trying to recover so I can function come Monday, or I'm at work - yes, you guessed it - working. The other half I'm trying to get done all of those personal things that need to be taken care of, though I tend to put more priority on work than what I'd like to accomplish personally. It's a sad statement, but in a time with record-high unemployment and no end in site, I feel I have to dedicate a significant portion of my life to my job. I'm grateful for the paycheck and quite frankly don't want to lose it. Now is not the time to start developing a "life balance." Or is it?

I see a portion of the path that I want to go down in life, but I'm not entirely sure how to get to it. And if I'm honest, some things I know I have to do seem overwhelming and I wonder where I'll find the time or - most importantly - the energy, as pain related to health matters is still an issue. If I think back to the days where I was a Franklin Covey disciple, I should get out a piece of paper, write down the big goals and then break them up into little, doable, manageable tasks with priorities and deadlines. The system has worked before; maybe I need to get back into that mindset.

The holiday season officially kicks off tomorrow, so there is not much time left of 2009. My goal is to get as much relaxation in as possible. Not rest, but relaxation. The husband & I have three road trips planned, and while there will be down time it will also be relaxing and fun. Along the way we'll see friends and family, many whom we have not seen in a few years. It's all about enjoying the time, reconnecting, and refreshing. I want to start 2010 with a new perspective and hopefully a renewed spirit.

Writing101

2009-07-19T16:31:00.003-04:00

Today I came across the "Ten Steps to Better Writing":

Write.
Write more.
Write even more.
Write even more than that.
Write when you don’t want to.
Write when you do.
Write when you have something to say.
Write when you don’t.
Write every day.
Keep writing.

In my childhood and teenage years I wrote all of the time, but as an adult I've moved away from it. Sure, I have my times where I find myself writing stories from my childhood and other experiences I've had, but I've not been consistent with it.

Now is not the best time to make a pledge to try to write everyday, considering my right hand is in a splint from carpal tunnel surgery. But there was a time when I was younger that I dreamed of being a writer. Not my main career, and not something I saw myself accomplishing at this age, but something I thought I might like to do when I was older.

Where is all of this coming from? A blog I read often had the question "What did you want to be when you grew up, and did you accomplish it?" I wanted to be lots of things growing up: Brain surgeon, fabric cutter, painter, graphic design artist, pathologist, radiologist, clarinetist, historian, a (good) politician, business owner, a marketing genius...see where this is going? It explains why I didn't jump into college right away, that's for sure. My head and soul were dragging me in 100 different directions. But the one thing that was consistent was that I wanted to be a writer. I loved books as a child, and would read several a week. I aspired to be like those authors whose books took me on a journey and placed me in their world. So to answer the blogger's question, no, I have not accomplished what I wanted to be.

My life has taken interesting directions these 33 years, and while I actually had several poems and short stories published while in school in local and national publications, I have yet to achieve that dream in an adult capacity. Don't look for my name anywhere in the near future, but someday...maybe. In the meantime I have to get my hand to heal, my life together, and all the stories floating around in my head sorted out and into written word. Are there other things I'd like to accomplish with my life? Of course. But this is the one thing that I've dreamed of since I was six, and I figure with the interesting course my life has taken it has to be for some purpose. And maybe the purpose involves the written word, be it electronic or on paper. I won't be picky.

A Great Day After All

2009-07-01T07:22:00.003-04:00

Yesterday most of my day sucked. Everything that could go wrong did. But at the end of all of it, I received such great news that it was worth everything I had been through not only that day, but this whole year - my platelet count is back to normal. While in February, before I have the IVC filter (made of nickel, which I'm allergic to) removed from a major artery, my count was 9,000. Going back through my personal files, I had not had a normal platelet count since at least 2006. But yesterday my count was 190,000. The surgeon thought the lab messed up, knowing my history, and requested a recount. The recount showed 194,000.

So as of June 30, 2009, I have platelets again. More importantly, I'm in normal range; minimum is 150,000.

I try not to talk about health on this blog as that is what my FailedADR blog is for, but it was too good of news not to share on both. Some friends are only aware of this one, so I thought I would post the good news here, too.

It seems like such a little thing, but I cannot describe what that number means to me. Many doctors have given me complete and blatant disrespect and attitude regarding my symptoms and have brushed off the horrible pain I'm in, but blood work can't lie. Having this number go back to normal is huge, because it supports the theory I've had for years that I had an allergic reaction to the artificial disc put in back in 2005. My body fought itself, caused my ANA count to go up and my platelet count to plummet. It also caused joint degeneration, most of it focused in the various joints in my legs. I believe the legs took the brunt because I had Lyme Disease for four years when I was younger, and except for blinding headaches most of the pain was focused in the joints of my legs, causing some arthritis. This set the stage for what I've been dealing with for the last four years.

There are still more tests to be done, and more time needs to pass before I have an official answer. But yesterday's result is the first true indication that I might have been right this whole time. I had asked about an allergic reaction prior to the surgery and whether it was a possibility and was told no, though it was listed right on the manufacturer's web site as a potential risk. I was told by more doctors than I could count that my pain was not from an allergic reaction, that it wasn't possible. I lost count how many times I was told "If you can wear a watch you're fine." Bull. I had that thought in my mind since early 2006, pursued it with every doctor I saw...and to think that I was right and not crazy after all would be a wonderful validation. It could also be a huge benefit to those out there who are looking at getting the disc - there is testing they can have done beforehand - and especially to those who got the disc and like me, suffered from unusual symptoms ever since. I don't just want help for myself, but if I can help others with this that would be the biggest thing. It would also make this whole experience about something bigger than me, and I'd be thrilled if that ends up being the case.

Today we are leaving for our vacation, so the news is a great start. It fills my soul with happiness, and it will be one less burden I take with me. Tonight we'll be in Scranton, PA, "home" of my favorite show, "The Office." Sure, they don't film there, but I still want to say I've been there, check out a few of the landmarks, etc. Plus it's only 5-1/2 hours away from home, so it's not a bad drive for this afternoon.

I'll be sure to write from the road, and will definitely have a ton of pictures to upload on Flickr.

Is a Vacation Possible?

2009-06-29T07:38:00.004-04:00

Brad and I are currently set to leave for the Northeast Wednesday afternoon. I'll be honest, I'm doing so with some hesitation. Do I want a week off from work? Of course! Do I want a week with the husband, just he and I traveling new territory that we have yet to explore in this great land of ours? An even bigger yes!

I have one worry, and it's my health. I try to ignore it, work around it, live around it. But then I have days like last Saturday where a simple couple hours at the mall ruined the entire weekend and sent me into an enormous "pain spiral." By the time we left I was in so much pain I honestly thought I would end up passed out on the floor of the mall. I have my stubbornness to thank for getting me to the car, but once I was there I gave the keys to Brad, sat in the passenger chair, closed my eyes and prayed for a brief coma...the only thing where I could still be alive but not feel pain, or so I think.

I'm definitely worried about the trip. The car ride - piece of cake. We're taking the new '10 Corolla, and it's comfortable and has a lot of different entertainment options. I also will have my partner in crime - Brad - right next to me. What I'm worried about is anything out of the car. Will I be able to handle sitting through my brother's musical? Will I actually be able to walk the estate grounds of President John Adams without the use of a wheelchair? Simple things, yet any of these could completely take me out of commission. And while I try to ignore it, I couldn't ignore what occurred Saturday. I was down for the count the rest of the day, and couldn't be on my feet for more than a few minutes on Sunday. That was after just two hours at a mall.

I'm certainly not going to pull out of the trip, but it certainly has my mind reeling about what I can and can't do. The last thing I want is to ruin the trip in any way, and I want to make the most of this week I'll have with my husband. I also want to make sure I'm not just limited to seeing things out of a car window. It will certainly be a balancing act, and I must do everything I can to make it successful and as painless as possible.

I did finally make hotel reservations Friday, and got some good deals. The bad news (for the economy) is that most of the hotels seem to have a lot of vacancies. It's good news for us though, since I get to take advantage of my Marriott Gold status and should get upgrades to concierge level rooms and several deals hotels were offering. We'll be spending Wednesday in Scranton, PA; Thursday & Friday in Quincy, MA (south of Boston); Saturday & Sunday in Providence, RI; and Monday in Syracuse, NY. This will officially put us in three new states we have never been to, and for me leaves only six states that I have not been to in the continental 48 states - Maine, New Hampshire, Vermont, North Carolina, South Carolina & Louisiana. We'll be somewhat close to the first three so it's possible we could hit them during this trip, but I doubt it. Must save something for another time.

RIP - Michael Jackson, "King of Pop"

2009-06-26T08:53:00.003-04:00

That's the headline that is making the news, and will likely be something that is talked about for a long time. People are saying it's like when Elvis or Marilyn Munroe died; young, before their time, unexpected. I always thought MJ would not live to be an old man, and honestly thought he would have been gone by now, but June 25, 2009 was his day. Some people you just see and you know they aren't going to make it to their 80's, 90's, and he was one of them.

I haven't been a fan of MJ since all of the allegations, weird behaviors, etc. that came in the late 1980's, early 90's. However, there is no denying the impact he had on music culture, and was a huge part of my childhood. In the early 1980's there were two huge names - MJ and Madonna. Madonna is a different type of icon - she isn't the best singer, but she's a performer and goes for shock value. She seems like the type who will live a long life. MJ, however, was a performer and a genuine artist. He had the voice, he understood music, and with every new song he put out there was a new adventure, a new twist, a new sound. When the song and video "Thriller" came out, it was life changing. It was the first music video I saw, and it was just something you could not get enough of. It was brilliant, and unlike anything that came before it. I would say that there has not been another one like it, though many have tried and come close.

These next weeks, months, years will be interesting. It will be filled with stories, accusations. It could likely become the next "Anna Nicole Smith" with stories of people around him allowing him to be self destructive with his behavior and lifestyle. Today, the day after, most people seem to remember the Michael they knew in the 70's and 80's; the not-so-good stuff appears to be forgotten for now, and are mere footnotes. His early death has made him a bigger legend than what he already was, and that was pretty huge. Sometimes the stars that shine the brightest fizzle out before the others that are more dim. He was certainly a bright star.

While I was not a MJ fan of anything he did from 1990 on, I have always acknowledged his contribution to music prior to that, and you cannot listen to a song from that time and not have it take you back to your younger years. Singing, dancing to the music with friends and family. Watching the videos on MTV. Going for the jukebox at the local Pizza Hut and selecting his songs. Never got into the glove or jacket, but I know several who did. It was a good time, at least from my perspective and memory of my younger years.

People are saying they will remember where they were when they heard the news. I'm not so sure...maybe I will too, but my memory is not what it used to be. So for the electronic record, I was in an executive committee meeting at work. One of the members pulled out his phone as he received a text message, and out loud he read that "Michael Jackson just died from cardiac arrest." There were some "Really?" comments, a few seconds of silence. Then it was back to work, though I got the feeling that those of us who grew up with his music were a little distracted after that. People - including myself - started going online with their phones while somewhat listening to the conversation to see the news for themselves. I was one of them, and it took me about five different sites before I finally got one to load and see the new for myself.

Wednesday, June 17

2009-06-18T09:15:00.002-04:00

So yesterday I turned in my '06 Corolla S for the new '10 version. Selfish, I know. In actuality, when looking at the numbers it was a pretty practical move, despite the small selfishness involved in wanting the new technology. Remember, I drive about 65 miles a day; I need something to help keep me entertained!

The oddest thing occurred though, and I just had to post it here for the record.

When I got my '06 car, my Grandpa G. had been diagnosed with leukemia and given 1-2 weeks to live. He lived almost three months, but I've covered that whole story in my previous post. Anyway, when I got my '06 car and was bringing it home there was a Nickelback song that was big on the airwaves called "Photograph." Something about that song really hit me at that time, especially a few lines in particular that were in the song that were going through my mind at the time. Like "I miss that town, I miss their faces, you can't erase, you can't replace it. I miss it now, I can't believe it, so hard to stay, so hard to leave it." The line "Every memory of looking out the back door" and picturing my grandpa at the back door of the house waiting to give us all huge hugs and kisses the moment we entered. "Every memory of walking out the front door", and remembering how hard and sad it was to leave him and my grandma, since I spent most of my life living several hours (minimum) away from them. The hardest was walking out the door on Christmas Eve 2005 when I knew I would never see him again alive.

So in 2005 and into 2006, every time that song came on I would tear up and sometimes find myself outright crying. I'm not a person who cries a lot, but just hearing a few sounds of that song would do it. To this day I occasionally hear it; sometimes I listen and think back, and other times I change the channel and avoid thinking about that horrible time.

On my trip into work on Wednesday, June 17, I found the song on my iPod and played it as part tribute, part closure to a chapter. No tears, just thankfulness for the memories and time I had with those I've loved and lost. When Brad and I got to the dealership and I was getting out of my '06, I told him how I remembered how Grandpa was all excited about the new car, how he had asked me to describe it, when I was getting it. We checked to make sure everything was out and went inside the dealership.

When I got into my new car, Brad and I were waiting for the temp tag paperwork to be completed so we started fidgeting with the car. While he was looking under the hood, I turned on the car radio. It was set to an AM station, so I hit the FM button and it took me to a local station. And right there, at that moment, was that Nickelback song. Is it fate? Maybe. There are thousands of songs and lots of radio stations, so the fact that song would be on around 7:15pm that night on that particular channel is unusual. But I must say, at that moment it was almost like a sign from my Grandpa, letting me know that he'd still be with me, new car and all.

A horrifically corny post, but the whole thing was just so odd that I had to acknowledge it. Bye-bye '06 car, welcome new one. May I have many thousands of enjoyable miles driving it.

October 3, 2005

2009-06-15T16:27:00.004-04:00

The title might be misleading, as today is actually Monday, June 15, 2009. But there are two similarities. On October 3, 2005, I was at the auto dealership in Brunswick ordering myself a new Corolla to replace my 1994 one. My original Corolla was an LE, Sunfire Red Pearl with a sunroof, great memories and about 180,000 miles. It lasted me 11 years, and by 2005 it became evident that it was time to either give up the car or get ready to spend big bucks getting things like the transmission replaced. And who wouldn't want a new car after 11 years?

It might seem by reading that simple paragraph that it was a happy day, but it was anything but. In fact, when I look back it was one of those "Top 10 most life changing moments" days. Not because of the car, but because of the call I got at 4:30pm that day, about 30 minutes before I left work.

My Grandpa Grimm had been taken to the hospital, and the diagnosis at the time was potential leukemia. He had suffered all summer from bad health, which was unlike him. He was 82 years strong, still farming, still full of life. Though I hadn't seen him since Christmas 2004, I was constantly getting updates and knew he was having undiagnosed issues. Things came to a head on Monday, October 3.

I already had the appointment at the dealership scheduled, and I was still in shock. Brad and I went, and soon after we sat down I got a call on the cell from my mom. I left the chair, leaving Brad to finalize the deal. I went outside, and it was at Brunswick Auto Mall that I found out that my grandpa had leukemia, and a short time to live. Further tests had to be done to determine how long he had, but it was a shocking and devastating diagnosis.

My Grandpa Grimm meant the world to me. Up until that point, in 2005, things had not gone well starting with Jan. 1 of the new year. By this point I had gone through my first back surgery and it was evident that something had failed. I have yet to recover from what that did to me. The day I went back to work after the surgery Brad was let go from him job. We had bought a new house less than a month prior, had a surgery bill that we had to pay for 100% as it was too new to be covered, and I had a sucky job that didn't pay a darn. My Grandpa Suntken had been in and out of the hospital, and didn't know who any of us were any more. He had a brush with death in September that year (before eventually passing away on Nov. 10). There were many other things, but it was just the year that nothing went right and everything seemed to fall apart. And honestly, I still don't think I've recovered from it.

So what is all of this about? Well, today I'm heading over to Brunswick Auto Mall and doing the paperwork for a new Corolla. Since I got my 2006 version on Oct. 19, 2005, I've logged 75,000 miles and one heck of a ride in life. I never realized it until I got in a test car this weekend, but since I got the 2006 model things in life have been more negative than positive. Is the car jinxed? Maybe. Oh heck, I know it's not. But it is a reminder of that horrible day when I found out about Grandpa, and I've never been the same since. If you knew him you would know why I feel this way. I always felt his love, support, and I knew he had my back. Losing him was one of the worst days of my life. Seeing him go through what he had to for almost three months just compounded everything, though it makes me happy to know he made it to his favorite day of the year - Christmas Eve. It was the last time I saw him and spoke to him before he died about three days later.

In a small way it's sad I'll be parting with the 2006 model, because I remember my Grandpa asking me about when I was getting it and what it was like. After he died I often found my hand in the passenger seat while driving home, in a fist, like I was holding an invisible hand. I honestly had never done it before he died. It reminded me of my last time with him, his left hand holding my right one on the couch in the living room on the farm. I felt like he was right there in the car with me, supporting me. I feel like he's always been there...going to/from doctor to doctor, getting bad news about my health on the phone, and sometimes just giving me the strength to keep pushing that gas peddle to get where I need to go, even if I'd rather be at home suffering quietly.

I will say the new 2010 model is a throwback to happier times for me. I'm sticking with the dark grey, S-series, but this time I'm going with a '94 Corolloa feature - a sunroof. Well, actually a moon roof, but my first car had the sunroof. The moment I got in a test car with that moon roof and opened it, I felt this immediate flashback to happier times. It reminded me of being in my old Corolla with friends, when my Grandpa's were still alive, and I was traveling, being young and enjoying life.

I'm not going to the dealership without my own obstacle this time, either. I fell at a Home Depot yesterday and did more damage to my knees and right ankle. I bought this darn cream for arthritis that I was horribly allergic to, so I've basically felt on fire for the last 26 hours. I'm hoping this isn't a sign...hopefully just the last sucky thing to happen to me with the car that hasn't brought a lot of happiness or good memories.

It will be a few weeks before I get my new car, but I should have it before heading to Cape Cod to see my brother during the 4th of July. I'm looking forward to opening the moon roof, hearing the sounds of the road with Brad by my side, and heading for a new adventure. This car has more gadgets, which is a big plus for a gal like me who spends a minimum 90 minutes in the car a day. And it's not just a car; for me it's a new path, a new start. As humans I think we have a lot of opportunities for fresh starts, and I'm looking forward to this one. May this be the start of some positive luck for a change.

RIP - Benjamin Garfield Suntken

2009-05-26T12:24:00.009-04:00

When I was 15 my family moved from Wenatchee, Washington to Austin, Texas. It was a big move, and our second one in two years. My brother was 8, and with our folks feeling a bit guilty about yet another move...especially moving from one completely different type of region/culture to another...we were promised a new cat once we got settled in. We had one when we were younger, but he had passed away about three years before.

After about a month at a Residence Inn, we moved to a rental condo unit in downtown Austin while our new home was being built. In late September, once we had most of the unpacking done and things were settled in, we went to a PetSmart where they had kittens to adopt. We found a small orange tabby with two different colored eyes. He looked to be about 4-6 weeks old and could easily fit in our hand. We adopted him and called him Benjamin Garfield, or "Benny" for short. My first memory of him was setting him on the floor of the condo. He started cautiously walking around, one step at a time, until he froze in his place. All of a sudden he arched his back and every orangish-brown long hair on him stood straight up. He started to snarl at his enemy, which happened to be....himself. It was a mirrored image of him in the bottom drawer of the stove. As he stood there hissing and snarling at his new enemy, the rest of us busted out in laughter. It took him a few weeks before he realized the enemy in the mirror wasn't going to harm him.

I only lived with Benny for about three years before I moved out on my own. My main memories of him were licking butter when it was lying on the counter uncovered; laying in his "cat post" at the top "landing", on his back, with his tail sticking down the hole that he would climb up through; taking it upon himself to destroying the bugs in our Austin home, which included scorpions...one which pinched him and swelled up his cute nose. Once we went to Florida for about 10 days and came back to find an assortment of dead bugs on the fourth step of our house leading up to the second floor. He had killed them while we were gone, then put them in an easily noticeable spot. I think it's safe to say he had great pride in what he had accomplished. I remember the time where he fell from the second floor landing to the first floor tile, a bit shocked but luckily not harmed. He loved to lay on the bed when it was being made, especially when you put the bedspread over him. You could pet him under the bedspread and he would purr with content. He loved tuna, cookie dough, and an assortment of other foods that are not normally fed to a cat.

He rode with me in my Honda Civic from Austin to Peoria, and was actually pretty quiet other than a few mews along the way. He got angry at me when the folks and my brother went away for a weekend and I stayed behind. I think he thought I killed them. He howled in the basement where the garage door was; I had never heard such sounds coming from a cat. I'd let him in the garage to see for himself that I wasn't hiding the family in there, and he would come back in the house still ticked. He was never the same to me after that. My mom thought I had company over that spooked him, but for the written record it was just me and him. It was the first time he was left alone with just one person other than my mom, and by that time he and my mom had grown a close bond since she was home and took care of him the most.

It was hard these past fifteen years to come visit the family and have him treat me like a common stranger. I fed him on occasions when mom and dad would travel, and he would have brief moments where he would treat me nicely...but then after I fed him I was of no use to him and he would be back to ignoring me, hissing at me, or hiding from me. It hurt a bit; he was to be part my cat, but that's what happens when you leave home and don't come back often.

A couple of years ago he was diagnosed with cancer. My brother referred to it as "kitty cancer", though Benny was 16 years old by then and no kitty. He fought a hard fight, but my mom and dad did everything in their power to make him comfortable and to give him whatever he wanted. They rearranged their lives around him, knowing that every time he was by himself it usually made him worse off.

A couple of weeks ago I saw Benny for Mother's Day. He had lost a couple of pounds and wasn't eating. He appeared to be nearing the end. He was sitting in his favorite basket, where my mom would put a blanket over it to keep him warm and comfortable. She lifted the blanket before I left, and to my astonishment he let me pet him. Twice. He didn't move, had his eyes open. It wasn't that he lost his fight; I think he just knew that I was not going to hurt him, and let me have that moment to touch him for what I figured was one last time.

He made it another week, and I saw him again. He had a little more bounce in his step, and while he let me pet him again he then quickly walked away. Still, it was unusual for him. He was affectionate with my mom and somewhat with my dad; also my brother when he would come back home from school and he had a few hours to remember him. He just wasn't that affectionate towards me, as I was very much a stranger.

On Sunday, May 24 it was determined it was time to put Benny to sleep. He couldn't eat, couldn't drink. He was constantly thirsty, but just couldn't drink water out of any container or sink. He wanted to go outside, which he never did; we think he wanted to go out and find a place to rest and just die peacefully. My folks did the right thing, took him to the vet, and had him put to sleep while in my mom's arms.

Benny was almost 18 years old; that's a long time for a cat, and the bonds that grew during that time were strong. I of course feel bad and shed a few tears. But the people hurting most right now are my dad, brother and mom, in that order. They had the longest and closest connection, and to them this is like losing a child or sibling.

After a lot of discussion, Benny will be cremated on Thursday. My parents picked out an urn; considering they move so much I was glad to see they chose something that could be mobile with them. I couldn't picture them burying him and then leaving him someday. It would have been a nightmare.

So rest in peace, little Ben. Thank you for the wonderful times you have given our family, and especially the comfort and happiness you gave our mom. You will definitely be missed.

Stereotyping

2009-05-21T06:20:00.007-04:00

Last night Kris Allen won American Idol. I don't find stuff like this too noteworthy for my blog, but I've been fascinated with the media coverage. I haven't gotten too into this season; it's more background noise, really. But this idea that the voting between the final two will be "red states vs. blue states" or "gays vs. Christians" is nuts. I think it's horribly insulting, quite frankly. Maybe some people think that way, but I certainly don't. To say Kris won because of the Christian vote is just as insulting as saying Adam should have won because he was gay. Who cares? This is a reality show, people. Neither one of these guys is going to have an impact on our world. In a country where we are suppose to be treating people as equals, why does the media always break things down against races, religions, etc?

I've spent a good portion of my last two weeks logging resumes - almost 200 of them for a few positions we are hiring for. We are an equal opportunity employer, so we have to track each person who sends us a resume, the position they are applying for, and the ad they are responding to. Ok, that's fine. What I take offense at is I then have to categorize them by sex and race. Luckily there's Facebook, so it's easy to figure that stuff out when the name makes it a little more difficult. But how is this process making things equal? On a personal level I don't think about people that way, but this stupid process forces me to. I hate it. I think it's ridiculous and does the opposite of what it is supposed to do. It goes against what I was taught and brought up to believe.

You know why Kris won? Because more people thought he would make a better recording artist, and I think they are right. Adam belongs on Broadway; albums are not his thing. I did like Kris more, because I tend to support those who have varied musical talent (the guy can sing and play several instruments) vs. going for the guy who can put on a fantastic stage show. But to say that I'm against gays because I supported Kris is ridiculous. I have gay friends; I'm certainly not against them. And I don't go to church, so I'm certain not the "religious right." And to say the majority of people who voted for him are homophobes is shortsighted and wrong. Again, I'm sure that happened to some extent because there will always be sexists and racists out there, but I'm guessing the impact was minimal. Kris won because he connected with American Idol's core audience. And you know what? In the end Kris will get his album, Adam will get his and probably a lead on Broadway. Both have the opportunity to have successful careers. This show isn't about winning anymore like it was back in season one. If you get into the top 12 and have a good enough agent and high likability, you're almost guaranteed a year-long contract giving you time to prove yourself.

To say this showdown and the end result shows how "backwoods" the American voters are is just wrong. And anyone who does say that sounds like they are the ones with the stereotyping issue, not me. If we want everyone to be equal in this country, we need to stop thinking that equality means someone should get something just because they fit into a certain "minority" class. As a female, it's insulting and degrading. I want to have success in my life because I've earned it, not because it was handed to me because I'm a girl.

I'm stepping off my soapbox now. We'll see what happens from here.

Star Trek - 2009 Movie

2009-05-17T20:00:00.002-04:00

So Brad, my dad and I saw Star Trek at the Strongsville Cinemark today. And...I enjoyed it. For a two hour film it seemed to fly by, and it left me wanting more. I thought it was pretty genius how they changed the storyline in order to give them more creative freedom with future movies, which there definitely will be. I thought the casting was brilliant, and I can't wait to see how this new timeline unfolds. I loved how pics from the film were released to lead us a particular direction that never occurred; another genius move. JJ Abrams did a fantastic job, and as long as he's leading this effort I will continue to be a supporter. I also enjoyed the quick cameos of people from some of his tv shows; he certainly seems loyal in that aspect to those lesser-known actors that he's worked with before.

With my dad on one side and the husband on the other, it was extremely cool. My dad would occasionally lean over and make excited comments about a certain character, especially those involved in the original series who did cameos or sometimes just were quick glimpses in the background. The acting was great; I cared about these characters, and they stayed true to who they are. Special effects were amazing...really, just a great movie. I can't wait for the next one, and hope that we're close enough to the family to be able to once again share the experience with Dad. And if we're really lucky, if we can get my brother that would fill in what was really the only "missing link" for me.

33's not too bad...so far

2009-05-16T21:41:00.008-04:00

I've been through a range of emotions on the days leading up to my birthday. I think it was a solid combination of pain, a reaction to Melatonin I had taken a few nights in a row because I was having trouble sleeping, and the fact we're dealing with some serious personnel issues at work that I felt the Board was not going to handle appropriately. And if you know me, I have a hard time accepting things if I feel people are getting away with something that they should not be. I would have lost a lot of respect for the Board if they had chosen the path they originally wanted to follow, but calmer heads have prevailed and they are now going to go in the direction I recommended. The solution is not an easy one, but people made their own bed and now they have to lay in it. I have nothing to feel guilty about if in the end they lose their job(s).

Friday was actually a really good day considering the circumstances. A former President of the company who still works here part time was back from Florida, saw it was my birthday and invited the accounting department out for lunch. We were minus one person, but went anyway. It was part birthday celebration, part thank you for the little things we do for him while he's away in Florida for three months. He insisted on having wine, I had a great grilled chicken sandwich and then we all had dessert. I was absolutely stuffed, but if my day had ended there it would have been a good one.

Brad sent flowers and a bear; my parents sent carnations that looked like a big cupcake. It was really cool. My brother called me at 5pm to wish my a happy birthday in between his school obligations. I got a flood of emails and Facebook birthday greetings. Went home, picked up some Chinese food and met up with Brad, who had taken the afternoon off to work on a big paper due for his class the next day. We ate and talked; we had hardly seen each other all week, so it was nice to catch up. He gave me a birthday card, which ironically he had given me before. He even mentioned it before I saw it, and yes, it was definitely familiar. What was even more funny is the message he wrote was almost the same as he wrote in the other one. He's definitely consistent, which is a good thing in this case! I helped him hand write notes for a role-play session he had the following day, and then I headed upstairs so I would be out of his way so he could work. To my surprise the neighbors across the street then stopped by with a homemade birthday cake. Considering they didn't start speaking to us again until about a month ago after a 1-1/2 year silence (completely their issue...the one guy resigned from the homeowners Board and developed a jerky, isolated attitude towards everyone), it was a nice gesture. Unfortunately I was too stuffed for cake, so I went upstairs, watched some TV and fell asleep.

Brad came to bed late, and when I opened my eyes a little later I saw 12:17am on our clock. I have this weird thing about time; I can think of a time I want to wake up and literally wake up at that time using nothing but my brain. Honestly, no lie. So the significance of 12:17am on Saturday, May 16 is that was when I was technically born - Eastern Time. I was born 9:17pm in San Diego, California. So...when I awoke I had finally and officially turned 33. I didn't turn into a pumpkin, my life didn't implode. I was in horrible pain, could barely move, but was so exhausted due to some great pain meds that I just went right back to sleep. Welcome to 33.

On Saturday Brad left for class early. I got ready and met the parents at Olive Garden for a light lunch. We went back to there house where I got a few birthday gifts, one in particular which was awesome - a book about Abraham Lincoln and the people in his life, focusing on the day of the assassination and after. I had never seen it before, and I can't remember the name at the moment. The photographs are amazing; I did a quick glance-through and saw some I had never seen before in my collection. I'm excited to read it, and it's even more special because my dad picked it out for me. Let's face it, mother's usually do the shopping, so when my father selects a gift it gives it more meaning. Plus he and I share a love of history, so it was an appropriate gift.

Brad was still in class so to kill time we then did a couple rounds of bowling. I can't play in my old form due to whatever mystery illness I'm suffering from, but I can bowl over 100 so it's not horrible. I'm adapting, and I think it's fun. We even got my mom to play, who surprisingly ended up on the bottom of the scoreboard each time; my dad of course was at the top, but he has been bowling almost his whole life so we're at a bit of a disadvantage.

We then drove 45 minutes north to Cheesecake Factory. I haven't been there in years for a meal (we have picked up dessert to go on a few occasions), and thought it would be a fun atmosphere. Brad met up with us shortly after we got our table, and we had a relaxing, fun, good meal. We of course had dessert, so I decided to with something a little different; their 30th anniversary dessert. A few years off, but I felt it was appropriate. I also had to take a phone pic of my parents, since they are the reason I am here today. They, like myself, hate photos, so it was nice of them to comply with my request to smile for the camera.

So that was my birthday. Now when I'm a few years older and I can't remember, I have this blog to go back to. Brad told me the day before my birthday that we - the two of us - would officially celebrate the following weekend, so the pressure is now on him to deliver. I'm a simple girl; just take me somewhere that is not Cleveland or Akron for a day and I'm happy. There are too many things to see out there in this world, and I love nothing more than exploring. And exploring is always best when you have your best friend by your side. Time will tell what next weekend will bring.

Coming of Age

2009-05-15T07:37:00.011-04:00

I once read that if you're a "Hobbit", you come of age at 33. Well, today is that day for me.

I usually don't think much of birthdays, but this year has hit me a bit hard. Four years and four days ago I received an artificial disc, and every year since then, for every birthday, I've always thought "By this time next year things will be better."

But you know what...no more wishing. It looks unlikely to happen, and I have to deal with what I have. I have to reassess what I want out of my life, and how I'm still going to be able to accomplish a dream or two despite my physical/health condition.

I had a great start in life, and seemed ahead of the game with school, work, life in general. But I've stalled the last few years - basically since moving to Ohio - and in some ways have gone backwards. The pain has taken away a lot of my fight, but I need to get it back. I have to, end of story.

So today as I "come of age," it starts a serious conversation in my brain of where I want to go in life. I can't rely on old dreams, I need to create new ones. I need to try and regain a little of what I've lost of myself that I'd like to get back.

In terms of my day, it's probably my least exciting birthday ever. Working all day; co-worker asked for the day off, and I wasn't going to deny my staff a day off just so I could take off for selfish reasons. What would I do today, anyway? I suppose travel somewhere, as I have no qualms about traveling on my own. Brad is focused on his intensive week long class, so no dinner tonight with him except maybe some fast food at home in between his studying. The parents wanted to meet with me downtown for dinner, but didn't feel right doing it without the husband. So basically your standard day. Maybe this is another part of the "coming of age" thing, but I'd hate to think that it means an end to anything fun. Someone please tell me that's not what it means, because if that's the case then the rule must be broken.

It's kind of like my 21st birthday. I woke up in Lafayette, Indiana at a Red Roof Inn, met with a guy selling calling cards for breakfast at Denny's, then sat in a company/regional meeting all day. Pizza Hut for lunch, where I was toasted with Pepsi beverages. I drove home in the dark and spoke with my family and friends on the car phone on the way back home to Grand Rapids. Instead of going straight home I went to work, where I spent time talking with the owner about operations stuff. Got home about 11:45pm, opened my cards and a gift from the folks, and went to bed. Pretty pathetic, but I will say the following weekend I basically went on the "21st birthday tour". Managed to drive to different cities in three different states for my work responsibilities but met up with people I knew along the way and celebrated every night until dawn. Good times.

So as for my 32nd year? How will it be recorded in my memory, and on this blog?

Career - Very satisfying; found those traits I was forced to lose at my other job and found I still "had it." Finally felt I had reached a little bit above where I was when I was 27 and left my job in Minnesota.

Marriage - Considering everything, I think still strong. Today also marks the day Brad proposed eight years ago. I occasionally (jokingly) chide him for proposing on my birthday, since if things don't work out my birthday will forever be scarred. But so far, so good. I learned in a communications class once that by now we should have had many thoughts of leaving each other or possibly throwing the other one out a moving car, but I can say on my side I've never once thought that. I have a great partner in life.

Health - The never ending battle. Had a successful surgery, which considering the fact that it had a very high possibility to leave me bleeding out on the table and dead (it really was a very dangerous surgery, and I was warned many times in advance) I'm happy to still be here. I have a great spine, but still need to figure out why my body continues to attack itself. I thought in my younger years I treated it quite well; it would be nice if it would "work with me" once in awhile.

Personal - Largely due to my health and a somewhat depressive state it caused, age 32 was a time where I found myself really separating myself out and limiting communication. To communicate you need stuff to share, and I just didn't much to share. I'm still trying to get myself to "snap out of it." I miss my family & friends, and really need and want to spend more time with them this year.

Travel - It might be weird to make this its own category, but it's one of the things that makes me most happy. I got to do a little traveling, but no true, real, relaxing getaways. We spent a lot of time in Maryland because of the surgery, but it wasn't true travel. Did drive through Delaware and a small part of New Jersey, so was able to add two new states to the list that I've now been in. Saw Philadelphia briefly, but more importantly walked through Independence Hall. Drove through Chicago many times but never had a chance to stop. Drove to Iowa and back (and repeated a week later) so my Grandma Grimm could be here for my mom's birthday. Drove and flew to Iowa to see Brad's mom many times, though the last time was for her funeral. Did a few day trips to Pittsburgh, and went to Wheeling, WV to a casino one afternoon just to kill some time. Also managed to to go to Athens, OH and see where my brother was living/going to school. Traveled to Put-In-Bay again. So, that all being said, maybe I did out more than what I thought. However, I think the key word at the beginning was "relaxing", and unfortunately most of the traveling was done with limited time. This upcoming year I'd really like a trip to someplace warm where I just "be" all day.

I'm not quite done with being 32 yet. Today might be my birthDAY, but I was born at 9:17pm Pacific Time. Since I'm in the Eastern time zone, it technically means I won't turn 33 until 12:17am tomorrow morning. So if you don't mind, I think I'll get to work and try to make the most of my remaining hours before I officially "come of age." Bye-bye, 32. There goes yet another year.

P.S. This little guy is courtesy of the husband for my birthday. He'll go right next to my little Chicago Bears cub on my desk.

Lazy Day

2009-05-14T09:46:00.004-04:00

I usually work pretty hard when I'm in the office, but occasionally I have a day where I just don't want to work. My body is here, but my mind isn't. Today is one of those days.

It's been a rough few weeks at work. Actually, it's the first time since I started in December 2007 that I've been a little frustrated with some of the higher-ups. It's not a bad thing, because once Brad gets his MBA in December we want to explore leaving the area. It would certainly make it easier to leave if I no longer have in my head what a perfect company it is. It's not as bad as the other places I've worked at here in Ohio - not even close - but it is no longer perfect.

So today I've been here almost four hours and accomplished almost nothing. A few things, but mostly chatted with friends online and talked with some folks here. I am completely unmotivated today. And yes, one could say that I'm wasting company money, but the truth is that I've put in more than 40 hours already this week, I don't get paid for my OT, and I have done what I need to. I put in a ton more hours than I've gotten paid for, and today I just don't feel like putting in an effort.

Where is my head? I don't know, anywhere but here. Want to escape somewhere, don't know where. Even if I went I'd be in pain so would likely not have much fun. Unless I just kept drinking, and if I surrounded myself with entertaining people. That could make me forget about the pain and probably be fun until I feel asleep and woke up the next day with a hangover.

Silly to say, but the goofing off and dreaming about places that aren't here have actually put me in a slightly better mood. I think I'm going to go off and try to be a productive adult this afternoon.

Star Trek

2009-05-08T13:50:00.004-04:00

Yes, I'm a geeky girl who loves Star Trek, so I'm excited about the new film that I've heard is amazing (at least from my friend Moe, whose judgment I trust).

The reason I love Star Trek is because of my dad. We would sit and watch the original tv show reruns together every weekend around our small, brown, tv in our living room. It was all so campy, but as a four/five year old the colors, stories and creatures captivated my attention. When the movies came out, I always saw them with my dad. My mom wasn't into the series, so originally it was just the two of us. I remember going to a four-plex theater in Rockford, Illinois. We'd get there early, and sit at the top row, center. At that time there were no commercials and advertisements like there are now; it was just a "star field" of various colored lights on the screen, all moving to create very entrancing figures. My dad and I would sit there, eating popcorn and basically making up our own "movie" to the colors on the screen. "Oh no, watch out! The alien is behind you!" Stuff like that. We used our imaginations to kill time until people started filling the seats and the movie started.

I received the "Star Trek" magazine for a few years, which we learned of its existence while stopping at Wall Drug in South Dakota during our move to Wenatchee, Washington from Sterling, Illinois. Later when we moved to Austin, Texas, we attending a very small Trek convention. For the record, we did not dress up as cast. We loved the series, but not that much. In the 80's and early 90's, we had every movie on a VCR tape, which we watched often. It was an important bonding experience for us.

When Star Trek Next Generation started we were both against watching the show. It seemed hard to imagine it would have the same "integrity" of the first show, but for me it turned out to be even better. We finally saw an episode and were hooked; I credit the Borg storyline for our interest. Now my younger brother joined in the bonding. As the movies kept coming out it was now the three of us. I think I have seen almost all Star Trek movies except maybe the first and last ones with my dad. As I grew older and lived in places away from wherever my parents were at the time, Brad became my companion for the Trek shows and films.

I watched Deep Space Nine, but was never a regular viewer. It took reruns to get me to watch Voyager, which was a lot more interesting than I thought it would be. When Enterprise started it was always taped on TIVO, though the series never did meet expectations.

The last few "Trek" series movies were not top on my list. And while I've spent months wondering if this newest film would be able to entice me enough to watch, I've come to the conclusion that it's a must. I'm not sure how...I have to work on Saturday, Brad has class and I doubt my mom would be happy to go see it together on Mother's Day. But maybe, just maybe, I can get at least my dad and Brad together to see the film this weekend. I just can't imagine not seeing it with the two important men in my life. I won't always be 10 minutes down the road from my folks, so I want to make the most of it while I still can.

How will I judge the movie? I want to be able to recognize little things about the original characters in this newer, younger cast. Scotty & McCoy were my favorites, so those actors better do those characters justice. I don't want over dramatization or the "campy" style of the 60's show, but I want lots of action and I want to be sucked in and entertained for the time I'm there. I want to feel like I'm back in that movie theater in Rockford with my dad on one side, and now my husband on the other, enjoying the cultural phenomenon of the late 20th century called "Star Trek." Just more updated, visually appealing, and with an amazing storyline that the last few movies have been lacking. And if I can somehow skip all of the commercial/ad garbage beforehand, even better.

That being said, I think this is an appropriate way to end this blog:

Five Month Follow-Up

2009-05-08T12:22:00.003-04:00

I am really trying not to post health-related stuff on this blog, but if you are someone who is only aware of this blog and are trying to finding out how things went yesterday, you can go to www.failedadr.blogspot.com.

I drove 800 miles yesterday to Baltimore & back. It's amazing how you're driving through three connected states, yet I feel like I went through about four different countries. The landscape, people and culture change so much along the way that I find it fascinating. Once I got north of Baltimore I started to get that "we belong here" feeling. It's something I've felt for awhile. Not necessarily Baltimore alone, but the whole D.C. and surrounding region. I've lived in nine states, which included ones out West, in the South and the Midwest. The D.C. region basically takes my favorite things from each of the states and combines it all together to one dream area, at least for me. While I would have liked to have made it a four day weekend there with the husband, he starts he one-week intensive MBA class (second to the last one) tomorrow, and it is hard to really enjoy D.C. when you're health isn't the best. I would have enjoyed it, but not as much than if I didn't have the leg pain to contend with.

We're pretty open this summer other than work, so we're hoping to take a few trips to the D.C. area, visit family and start to investigate some of the areas. We want to have a better feel for the different regions so we can make a decision where to focus our efforts on where we'd like to work and live. Brad will have the MBA in hand, so I'm letting him take the lead this time. As for me, I want to be near a Metro station and would love a job in D.C. I think I would be in heaven if we could make that happen. It's a good motivational tool for me.

I took some pics along my trip, but mostly in PA and I'm not sure how good they are as the weather was pretty overcast. The drive home was prettier as there was a lot of light fog, but then you lost the detail on the PA hills. I'll see if there are any good ones to post later.

Arrested Development does not Equal Sit Down, Shut Up

2009-04-23T11:24:00.004-04:00

A few years ago FOX canceled my favorite show "Arrested Development" (AD). Last Sunday FOX premiered "Sit Down, Shut Up" (SDSU), a new animated comedy by Mitch Hurwitz who also created AD.

Three of the AD cast do voice work for three characters - Jason Bateman, Will Arnett and Henry Winkler. And after watching the new animated show, it did nothing but bring back the anger and frustration over the AD cancellation since the new show is pretty lame. I wanted to like it, but I didn't. I know pilot episodes are rough and often unlikeable so I will give it a second chance, but if it sucks just as much I don't believe I'll be allocating any of my time to the show.

In an effort to get people to watch the show, FOX has now created a long online promo basically saying they messed up, canceled a great show, but now as an apology they are offering SDSU so us AD fans should therefore watch and we'll all be happy again.

Sorry FOX, doesn't quite work that way. I'll see the AD movie when it comes out as many times as I can, will buy the DVD and even a Franklin puppet if they come out with one, but I'm not going to watch a 30-minute show that seems disjointed, with confusing characters and no real plot.

Smart Business Network

2009-04-23T11:13:00.002-04:00

I looked in my mail today and found a delightful invitation to a President's Forum from the Smart Business Network. Because they think I'm a successful CEO (not my title, but oh well), I can attend this event for $195, where I will get to mingle with others and talk about how successful and smart we are. For an entire day.

I like the naming of the company, because they certainly are "smart" since I know there are actual people who will cut the check and attend this thing. Smart business for the company selling this, but not so much for me. Even if I was able to pretend to be a CEO for the day.

TV Favorites

2009-04-15T12:25:00.002-04:00

My last few posts have not been on the most happy of topics, so I thought I would share something more lighthearted today. My top television shows, at least as of now. What can I say, tastes change!

"The Office." I will never, ever get sick of this show. Now with the Michael Scott Paper Company in business, I'm more drawn to it than ever. I love how the characters have evolved, though I'm still wondering why Jim hasn't evolved more than the rest. They've hinted at some stuff with him in the past, but aren't taking it anywhere. We all know that Pam's his girl, but what does he want in life besides her and some kids? And am I the only one secretly rooting for Andy to figure out that he's gay and hook up with Oscar? Is there a more perfect odd-couple match than that?
"Arrested Development." No new episodes, but there will finally be a movie next year. I watched the show from day one, and now that it's on cable five days a week I still religiously watch. It amazes me how I still find something new each time I watch, even though I've seen each episode a minimum of ten times. The details and consistency in that show surpasses anything ever put on TV. That show is absolutely brilliant, and I cannot wait for the movie. Just like when "The Simpson's Movie" came out, I will have tickets for opening day and will be taking everyone I can with me. Leading up to opening day, I will also do my "top five episodes" blogs, just like with "The Simpson's." What can I say, they deserve the blog space.
"The Deadliest Catch." I'm not a fish person, mostly because it gives me a stomachache and most of them I find gross. While it took me awhile to get into this show, it's now something I'm excited about, and season five kicks off this week. I find it intriguing how people put their lives on the line and suffer through some of the harshest conditions on our planet, just to catch crab for people to eat. It would be one thing if crab was the only thing on the planet to sustain us humans, but it's not. I've seen enough episodes now where I'm invested in the crew, and care about their plight and their success. I'm definitely "on board" with the show.
"The Soup." Though it's origins started way back on the E! channel as "Talk Soup", definitely refrain from calling it that. Joel McHale absolutely makes my Friday evenings; he's intelligent yet hilariously funny. I think he is a genius, and I keep waiting for him to break out into a leading TV or movie role (which may happen soon if his NBC pilot picks up). Did I mention that Brad and I have tickets to see him in June doing his stand-up thing? I've read great reviews, plus have heard that he stays and signs autographs/takes pictures with everyone who wants one. Funny, good looking, and cares about the fans - how could I not love his show?
"SuperNanny." Oh Jo, how do you have the patience to deal with such dysfunctional and often obnoxious and clueless families? The children on this show are jaw-dropping loons, and definitely make me happy that it's just Brad and I and no little one(s) around. Sure, the parents on the show are the ones that have caused their kids to have issues, and I think we'd do a much better job raising a kid, but it's definitely entertaining to watch when they are not your own or related to you in any way. Plus what is it about the British that makes them more entertaining to watch? We don't watch often, but sometimes on a weekend evening when we're not out and there's nothing else on it can kill time.
"Dancing with the Stars." I never in a million years thought I would watch this show, as the demographic appeared to be more 50 and older. But when I saw some of the cast - Steve Wozniak, Steve-O, Dennis Richards (I can't stand her but wanted to see her fail miserably), I just had to tune in. And now it's my weekly Monday night staple. Brad has class, so it works out for him, too...I can just show him any cool parts when he comes in the door at 9:30pm and leave it at that. If I have one complaint, it's the dreadful singing on that show. Honestly, it's horrible, and often makes me turn the sound down or at times even fast-forward.
"Millionaire Matchmaker." When I first saw this show I was at home alone (Brad was in Iowa) and not feeling the best; it was during my surgical recovery. They had back-to-back shows from the first season, so it was literally an afternoon/evening marathon. As I laid on the couch in misery, I kept thinking to myself "What horrible, dreadful people." But guess what - I couldn't change the channel. I guess it's the old "Can't help but watch the train wreck" thing, plus I was not in good shape and the thought of finding something else to watch seemed too much work. The people are still horrible and dreadful, but it's entertaining and it is set in L.A. The "matchmaker" has some good points, but usually the stuff out of her mouth is pretty old fashioned, sexist, short-sighted and petty, but it makes for good TV. Definitely my "guilty pleasure" show.

There are also a few shows that I want to get back into, but am finding it difficult. They have moments of brilliance, but take a long time to get where they are going.

"House." Last week's episode with Kutner's suicide made me tune in, but I'm still having a hard time getting back into the show. It's never been the same since the original three support staff moved into different positions, and now that they killed off the only new character I liked...I just don't know if I can watch. I tape the show, but usually just end up deleting.
"Lost." I watched loyally for three years, but felt things were going nowhere and gave up last year. I caught one episode this year that I found intriguing, but currently have three on my TIVO that I can't bring myself to watch. I've come to the conclusion the only episode I'll end up watching is the finale, as I am very interested in what the heck this whole thing was about.
"Chuck." I like the show, but find it hard to stay engaged. I've missed so many episodes that I'm a bit lost. While I like the characters, I just find that it doesn't keep my attention. I want to be into it, but it's falling short for me.

Again, just something mindless for today. I've had a few rough days physically for some unknown reason, and it's something to help get my mind off my misery.

Tax Day

2009-04-15T06:23:00.002-04:00

I just got my official notification that my federal and state tax submissions have been accepted. Yes, it's that time of year, and today is the big tax deadline day.

I don't think most people really think about taxes. Given that it's deducted from our check, I don't think we stop and really think about how much that is and where it's going. I've heard people say that maybe we'd care more if we had to actually write a check to the government each month...dollars look different when you write out a check vs. just seeing them on a paycheck stub. And it's not just your paycheck - almost everything you purchase is taxed. Sometimes it's hidden (e.g. gas prices) and other times it's not. But if you stopped and added up what you pay in a year, I think we would all be a bit shocked.

Am I against taxes? No, of course not. They can, and do, serve a purpose. I do have an issue this year, though. I see our government spending way beyond it's means; more than I ever thought I'd see in my lifetime. You can't tell me that the only people footing the bill are those making over $250k, because they aren't. Take a look at the tax tables for 2009. Sure, they've slightly changed the tax brackets, but not by much. And while one of the new bills passed this year initiated the payroll company taking less out of my paycheck, in my bracket for 2009 I'm not only to pay the same percent as last year but also an additional $400 on top of that. So why is the government taking less out of my check each pay period? If I didn't realize it - and most people don't - I would just assume it's some sort of tax break. In reality, they are collecting less and when next year rolls around I'll owe them more. Instead of a refund like this year, I'll probably be sending them a check. It's a mental game.

Everyone is having to tighten their budgets, watch their spending...but not our governments. They don't care. Though they have modest salaries, do you wonder why so many of them live in expensive homes, have private jets, etc? Why did so many people up for positions in the new government had issues with paying their taxes? Because they feel they are better than us, above us, and above the law. They write the laws and the loopholes. They know they can do whatever they want, because everything they do is so complex and convoluted that no one can understand most of what they pass. The tax system might as well be written in Greek; you think that is not on purpose? Go online and read the laws that Congress passes; do you understand them? Does anyone talk like that, or write like that in a normal business? Of course not; they make it complex and lengthy so no one knows what is really going on. It's all one big game, and the citizens are the suckers. That includes me, because I have not done anything than voting (and venting on my blog), and that's not going to change things.

The government will never hurt the people that put them in office. I'm not talking about those who voted for them, I'm talking about the ones with the money who supported their campaign, got them face-time and practically purchased their seats. You think we're going to see Hollywood stars in modest $200k homes any time soon? You think the CEOs of large firms are going to start driving Kia's to work because they are now paying their "fair share" in taxes? What is a "fair share" anyway? Why are we so obsessed with making everyone "equal" when it comes to money? Read the Declaration of Independence; we are equal in that we all deserve the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. There is a reason nothing else is listed besides those three things. It's because no one is born equal. That's life. We all have our challenges, obstacles, and gifts. I have struggled with poor health most of my life, but I am darn lucky when it comes to my career, family and friends. Yes, people should have a roof over their heads and food to eat, but I do not think we need to be equal in those aspects. Not everyone should have a $300k home; everyone does not deserve the right to eat out at Morton's once a month. If we do, then I'm going to start taking a bat to people, since if we're going to be equal in wealth then I think we should be equal in health, too. No, I would never do that, but I'm trying to prove a point here. Usually when we are poor in one area we are rich in another; it's usually a matter of one's attitude and perspective.

Though it hasn't been discussed much in the media, people are expected to gather in various cities today for a "tea party." It just so happens that one should be taking place a block from where I work from 4-6pm. While I do not have any intention of "protesting", I may just stop by to check it out. If it's nothing but a conservative rally, forget it. If it's still raining like it is now, then I definitely won't be going. But if the sky clears and it appears to be a gathering of citizens from all walks of life getting together to try and send a message to our representatives that we are unhappy with their choices regarding taxing and spending, I just might stay.

I saw an interesting opinion piece by Penn Jillette (of Penn & Teller) a few weeks ago; I think he sums up the situation pretty well. I never thought I would say that about a magician, but here I am supporting his message. I'm not thinking about what's best for me here; I want what is best for my country. I want what is best for my family, friends, and former/current co-workers, most of whom are struggling right now. There is this opinion by most that we need to spend in order to "save ourselves". I'm sorry, but I'm terrified that the only thing this spending will do is burden all generations to the point where there will be no fix. We'll all be stuck with a massive debt on our hands, yet none of us will know exactly where all of that money went to since it certainly will not be in our pockets. The government keeps talking about helping the "middle class", but I'm not seeing it. To me, this is nothing but a big scam; it just won't be exposed for what it is until it's too late.

I'm sorry for my rant, but the situation weighs on my mind. It doesn't help that I see AIG's new digs on our office floor, with their cherry wood doors, top of the line furniture & equipment, etc. To me it's a constant reminder of how messed up things truly are.

Cleveland

2009-04-14T07:20:00.006-04:00

A lot is going on in Cleveland these days. We had the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame (RRHOF) induction ceremony on April 4, which was held right next to where I work. For a week leading up to the proceedings I could barely get in and out of the parking garage due to all of the bands' buses and trucks taking up most of the street. It brought a lot of people into downtown, which was nice to see. The RRHOF is actually a really cool, beautiful building from any angle, though the large, plain Federal Building is blocking my view of it from my office window. I always thought it was ridiculous that the city of Cleveland was good enough to have the RRHOF here, but not good enough for the induction ceremonies which are usually held in NYC. I'm sure the big names in music think Cleveland is beneath them, but give me a break - we're not asking them to come to Antarctica or some trash pit. Cleveland can put on a good show when motivated. I give props to the musicians who did come here, who put on a great show and didn't once complain about the location. In fact, several vocalized that the ceremony should be held here every year; for now, it looks like we'll get it every three years. For a city that is usually mired down in political maneuvering and a lack of true caring about turning Cleveland around, it was definitely a positive.

This week should hold another positive for Cleveland, if the city, county and state government representatives can get their act together. For over ten years there have been discussions regarding a Medical Mart and Convention Center, similar to the Merchandise Mart in Chicago; in fact, it would be operated by the same group. A vote is to be made on Thursday in regards to the agreement. This is huge for the city, and without it I think it's fair to say Cleveland will end up in more decline and decay than it already is. We're already in danger of losing our airport "hub" status with Continental, and businesses are not only pulling out of Cleveland but the state as a whole due to the taxes and restrictions on businesses in the state. I'm not even going to go into the state of decay the majority of Cleveland is in, with abandoned manufacturing facilities, buildings and homes everywhere you turn. And did I mention the 10.2% unemployment rate in greater Cleveland? The sad part is that the foundation here is beautiful; you have Lake Erie, which is completely underutilized. You have buildings that at one point were beautiful, majestic and showed off the wealth this city and its citizens once had. If this deal does not go through, I don't know if the government representatives are smart enough or care enough to do anything else to improve the situation. The corruption is too great, and there is no motivation. The citizens of Cleveland do not care, and they continue to vote the same people into office. The problem is too big to solve overnight, and no one has patience anymore. People will continue to move further away from the city, or out of the city/state all together. People who have lived here there whole lives have become immune to their surroundings, but to someone like myself who has lived in areas across the country all I see is one big "warning" sign urging me to get out of here as fast as I can.

What's my point in all of this? I'm hoping that people finally do something right and sign the MedMart/Convention Center agreement. I hope that they use local companies, local people, and that they do it right so that it actually does boost the city and the people that reside in it. I want the people of this city to wake up and do something about their situation, before they become as bad as Detroit. I may not want to spend the rest of my life here, but I certainly hate to see those that stay here suffer.

Easter Weekend

2009-04-13T09:08:00.006-04:00

I was lucky enough this year where our every-other-Friday-off fell on Easter weekend, which gave me three full days out of the office. I really haven't taken advantage of that Friday-off thing for awhile, given the year-end closing responsibilities and all of the unusual events such as surgeries/procedures, doctors, appointments, and everything with my mother-in-law. I might not have always been in the office, but was definitely working remotely on my "Friday off" and weekends to keep caught up with everything. I haven't really gotten a break, and while this weekend was busy it was a good time to mentally reset and gear up for quarter-end close and other items that typically occur this time of year.

Though time went by too quickly, it was a good mixture of productivity and fun. Brad and I picked out tile for our kitchen, dining room & downstairs bathroom, and put together our "Lowes purchase list" that included six-panel doors, a new kitchen sink & garbage disposal, and new toilets. Our house is only four years old, but we would like to sell it within the next year or so and are working on affordable upgrades that will give our house a little something extra in hopes that it will appeal to someone enough for them to make an offer. We picked out new door handles, and knobs and crown molding for the kitchen cabinets. We still have some painting to do upstairs, along with the daunting task of painting all of our woodwork white, but once it's completed I think we'll have a pretty good looking house. Oh, and we do have some basement work to complete but that will likely be last on the list. The goal is to get this completed sooner than later so we have some time to enjoy it before we try to sell it during these difficult economic times.

When we weren't out looking at home upgrades, Brad and I spent the time together just being out and about. For Easter we went to my parents house for a low key dinner with steak, potatoes, green beans and rolls. It was nice to have just the four of us, though I wish my brother could have made it home. I texted him a message before dinner, and he called us during it and we took turns talking to him. After watching some golf (and almost falling asleep as I'm just not that into the sport), I had this urge to go bowling. I haven't been bowling in years with my back, but it just sounded like a lot of fun, and something I could actually handle. It didn't take much arm twisting, and before I knew it the four of us piled into the car and drove to a bowling alley in Norton. One of two families there, we put on our bowling shoes, picked out the ball that would lead us to victory and played two rounds. My mom decided to wisely sit out and just watch, and though my father and husband beat me in both rounds I managed several strikes and spares. Considering I was concerned about slipping on the floor with shoes that had no grip, I adjusted my style a bit so I wouldn't injure myself. It was definitely not how I was taught to bowl, but I did well; I believe I hit 120 in my second game. Not bad for someone who hasn't played in 10 years, has had four back surgeries and played with a 12-pound ball. Sure, I'm sore today, but it was worth it. It might be something I try to do on a more normal basis, as it is good exercise.

On another positive note my cousin Gina and her husband Anthony had a baby girl, Josephine, on Easter Sunday.

All in all it was a good weekend, and a nice break from work.

Spring

2009-04-10T10:28:00.004-04:00

One definition of Spring is "A season of of growth", and I'm certainly hoping that is what Spring 2009 will be for me. Though I promised myself back in 2006 that I would try to avoid topics regarding my health on this blog (I had set up others for that), I obviously did not succeed. In truth, my life these past few years has almost 99% defined and consumed by my health problems. It's hard to avoid blogging about something that most affects your life every minute of every day, so I ended up devoting time on this blog regarding my health, especially leading up to the ultimate important surgery in December.

Now it's Spring, and time for change and growth. I'm renewing my vow to try and avoid health-related topics; I'll save it for my other blog. This year is about reclaiming my life and making the most of it.

Carolyn Fairfield - March 20, 2009

2009-03-20T02:44:00.000-04:00

I know many of you - especially my family and friends - follow this blog and have been following the progress with Brad's mom Carolyn, so I felt it important to post it here that she passed away around 12:30am this morning. Brad was by her side when it happened, but unfortunately was the only one there with her at the time. On the plus side, he was there for his mom and I know that was very important for him to have her not be alone. His brother is back in Iowa from Japan, and his sister and her children are driving up from Dallas on Friday/Saturday. I'm flying into to Omaha in the evening; that was my original plan, and Brad did not feel a need to change it at this time. We'll know by the end of the day in regards to when the visitation and funeral will be.

Carolyn was an absolutely amazing woman who touched an unbelievable amount of lives during her stay here on Earth. I do not think there was a single person she met who wasn't influenced positively by her in some way. She was incredibly intelligent; her memory, almost up to her final days, was impeccable. She had a great appreciation and interest in people, and had an interest in each of their stories. She saw the good in people, and did her part to better her community and provide support to the organizations within it. Carolyn truly cared about each individual she met, and was the first to lend support. She looked out for others, and was always lending a hand to those who were down on their luck or in need. She was a faithful Methodist, and never feared death even though she faced it for over two years. Carolyn had a great love for her husband, children and grandchildren, and of course for her siblings and other family members. And though she faced difficult health problems for many years, she still faced life with a great sense of humor, grace, and an unbelievable amount of strength and resolve.

Carolyn welcomed me with open arms into the family back in 2002; I, on a personal note, feel so blessed for the time I got to spend with her. I am grateful that I had an opportunity to get to know her. I am thankful for the stories and family history she shared. I will never forget her intelligence, caring and wit, especially because I see those traits shine clearly in her son - my husband, Brad - every day. Though she is no longer with us here, she definitely will live on in her children and grandchildren.

I don't usually go around speaking for Brad, but I know that he is unbelievably grateful for all of the prayers and support you have offered for his mom, for him and his family. These situations are never easy, but I know that it meant - and means - a lot to him to have that kind of love and support surrounding him. We know that Carolyn is in a better place, and certainly left behind a world that was better off for her being in it. We are grateful that she is finally at peace, though we will miss her so.

March

2009-03-18T09:48:00.002-04:00

I'm still not ready to post on here regularly; posting on my Failed ADR blog instead. While it was meant to keep everyone up-to-date on my progress before and after back surgeries #3 & 4, it has also now become a place for update's on Brad's mom, who is on her final days. As one can imagine, we have been living our lives day-by-day since about October. It's been weird, because there can be no such thing as "planning"; everything we do is decided at the moment based on what is going on around us at that particular time. While things should be settling down within the next month, for now I just don't have the time or mentally to post on this blog. I've posted enough on here about my health issues, and while it's been a huge part of my life I just want to keep it as separate as possible from here on out. There are lots of other things on the horizon, and when the time is right I'll find my way back here. So for now, if you're wondering how things are going, my other site or Facebook page is the place to be.

Waiting

2009-02-18T09:41:00.003-05:00

Just a brief check-in, as I'm still more on my Failed ADR blog these days. Had the IVC filter removed in Maryland this past Friday, and am seeing very small changes in pain levels. Not drastic ones, just small ones. A week ago I was in agonizing pain that drove me insane, and now while I'm still in a lot of pain I am still somewhat able to work through it. Most of my energy is unfortunately going into my job; have to pay the bills. If I had my choice I'd still be working from home, probably PT as it is really difficult to stay focused for 10 hours and be in a car for almost 2 hours each day. By the time I get home I'm useless, and only do what I absolutely need to do.

If this whole health experience these last three years has indeed been caused by a reaction to nickel, I can't expect results overnight. From what I've read, it will likely take a month or so to really see a real change. What has been most affected is my blood make-up; my platelet count bottomed out, and my body's defense system - the anti-nuclear antibodies (ANAs) - took over everything and just attacked, attacked, attacked. It will take time for the ANAs to dwindle in numbers; my platelets won't survive while my ANA number is still so high. Both of these factors cause inflammation, hence the pain I'm experiencing. If after a month there is still no change, then I'm back to trying to figure out what the cause is. It's one thing to have pain, but another thing to have such odd blood occurrences taking place. Doctors may have disputed how much pain I've been in because I continue to work and be successful in my job, but I can't make up the results of my blood work. Something is going on.

It's just an odd time overall. I think at this point Brad and I are both almost taking things day by day, unsure of what the next day will bring. That's all we can really do at this point!

Reason Why Cleveland Clinic Sucks #47

2009-01-26T16:33:00.003-05:00

Back in early November (of 2008) I requested a prescription refill online through the Cleveland Clinic. I had been taking this one drug to help me sleep at night, and while I had every intention of going off of it once I had my surgery, I was going to be a few days short and requested just a few pills (5 to 10) to get me by.

Now the Cleveland Clinic has an online system, so I used it. I figured it was easier than trying to call, spend time on hold and then end up being sent to some phone/key-entry prescription refill thing. I've been down that road and it can waste up to 30 minutes of your life just trying to refill a single prescription. So I did the online thing, and in true Cleveland Clinic fashion I ended up with absolutely no response.

So today I'm looking online at my drug store account, as I'm waiting for a prescription to come through in regards to my back surgery/leg pain. This one is not from Cleveland Clinic, which means I don't have to stress about it as much. But, to my complete surprise, there is my refill for the medication I requested back in November. Turns out it was filled on Thursday, January 22.

Let's see, by my math that means it took them over two months to call in the refill. Wow. Amazing work, Cleveland Clinic. Just one more reason you suck, and one more reason I refuse to go to you ever again. Also, if you think I'm paying for that prescription you're nuts - no thanks! Even if the darn thing is $4....

Thoughts on the Day

2009-01-20T17:30:00.002-05:00

I was at my desk working when the inauguration took place, so I did two things when I had the chance.

1. Watched a video of the swearing in ceremony; I was very happy to see a close-up of the bible Lincoln was sworn in on, because I've been obsessed with him as long as I can remember and really wanted to see it. I would die if I had a chance to touch it like the Obama's did!

2. Read President Obama's speech. I find that it's better to read speeches than to watch them be read, because I like to take the theatrics out of it. So I read it...and was actually underwhelmed. It was kind of weak. Who knows, maybe I set the bar too high, but I was looking for something inspiring, and instead found more rhetoric about how we need to all come together. That's fine, let's all come together, but for what? I've been hearing this for over a year now, isn't time for something else? Again, maybe I'm being picky, but I just thought that considering all of the hype, it was a bit of a let down. I'm sure if I heard it read maybe I would think differently, but again...I'm more interested in the actual words than the performance.

I will say though, the picture of The Mall with all of those people was awesome. Quite frankly, every inauguration should be like this. It was nice to see people watching our government in action.

Another Day for the History Books

2009-01-20T07:37:00.004-05:00

Though I had no intentions of blogging on this particular blog until I was feeling better, I couldn't help but write a little something on today - Tuesday, January 20, 2009. Today Mr. Obama will become President Obama, and our first African American president. I understand the symbolism and the importance, and for that it should be acknowledged no matter what your political affiliation is. Besides, I'm a sucker for our rights and liberties as an American, and nothing makes me prouder or more emotional than watching the leader of our government get sworn in. Yes, our system has some major flaws and is in need of real repair, but it's my country and I'm proud to be an American. My family generations before me fought hard and sacrificed to get to America, and I am so grateful for that.

Like most Americans, I'm ready for change. I was not sold on the change that either candidate was selling on the campaign, but then again I'm a skeptic when it comes to campaign promises and I'm sick of the two key parties. But I see my family and friends fearing for their jobs, and in some cases, losing them. I see a tanked economy, housing market, and the realization that dreams are going to be a lot harder to obtain now than they were ten years ago.

I don't want to go back and recreate the 90's, which everyone always seems to deem as this wonderful period of history. I want the citizens of this country to evolve beyond that, because to me the 90's were about money and greed, and quite frankly I think that's a key reason we are in the mess we're in. I want people to take responsibility for themselves, to help out their neighbors, and to contribute in a positive way to better our society. I've heard soon to be President Obama touting these values, and I hope he means them.

I have a lot of negative thoughts about our governmental leaders and where they've lead us and where they are trying to lead us. But today is a day where I just wanted to put it aside. I want today to feel like there is hope for this country, and I want to "take in" this moment in history.

Where I've Been

2009-01-18T11:00:00.002-05:00

Sorry for my absence, but I've been putting all of my blogging energy into my other temp blog - www.failedadr.blogspot.com.

I think everyone who reads this knows about the other blog, but just realized I never made an official announcement here. I had my back surgery on Dec. 15, so I've been using that blog for updates. One of these days when I'm feeling closer to at least 70% I'll start blogging on this one again, but in the meantime I'm still on a break. All of my energies are going into my recovery and trying to keep up with my job remotely, which between the two are exhausting.

Falling Into Place

2008-12-05T13:05:00.002-05:00

Thanks to the infection medication and my staying home for the last two days I am finally feeling almost "normal." I spoke with the Baltimore office today, filled them in on everything, and despite what I've been through in the last week we are set to go.

I have a lot to do in just four days, but it's probably best that I keep busy so I have little time to think about the surgery. I know that the first week is going to be the worst physical pain I've experienced, but I'm ready. I'm hopeful that removing the disc will help return me to a more normal life, and I look forward to the new chapter.

Another Road Block

2008-12-04T08:20:00.002-05:00

It turns out I had a right to be concerned about the high dose of steroids I was put on over Thanksgiving. I'm now suffering from an infection caused by the steroids, and I'm in pretty bad shape. If I don't notice a large difference between today and tomorrow, I will have to cancel the surgery on the 15th. I know it sounds like I should have more time, but I also have the vascular procedure that was to happen on the 10th, and in my condition it could never happen. My face and neck is swollen and burning, my throat is pretty swollen, I ache all over and I have a fever; I definitely would not clear for any procedure at this point. I'm also down for the count at the moment, unable to work or do anything around the house, which means I can't even prepare to be leaving next week.

I attempted to go into work yesterday and only lasted an hour before I went back home. I was so ill that I had my mom drive me to the doctor, and to the pharmacy for another prescription that is to help only one of my main symptoms - my throat. While that has helped a little, I decided to stay at home today as well, as none of my other symptoms have improved.

The problem with such a high dose of steroids in a short amount of time is that it really messes your entire body up. Everything changes in your system, including your body's defenses. My problem with the metal reaction has been that my defenses have been too strong and attacking the once healthy parts of me. Now I have no defense and I'm now I'm left with this odd infection/reaction from the drugs and their end result. From my own knowledge, and from what I've heard from medical professionals I know on a personal level who unfortunately can't treat me, the hematologist never should have put me on that high of a dosage; he should have put me on a much lower dosage for a longer period of time. My first impression of the doctor was that he was all over the place and an idiot, and I guess I was right. I don't know if he was trying to play some game, but at this point it looks like he cost me my surgery in 2008. What breaks my heart is that he normally deals with cancer patients...and I can only imagine what hell he's made their lives.

I know that what's meant to happen will happen, so if the surgery is canceled so be it. There is nothing I can do at this point.

Less Than a Week

2008-12-02T14:21:00.003-05:00

It just hit me that in exactly one week, Brad and I will be packing up the car and heading to Baltimore.

I went to the hematologist yesterday, and my platelet count was up from 13 (on 11/26) to 373. My red and white blood cell counts are messed up as well, so no wonder I feel so horrible. Though the doctor was quite scattered and didn't seem to listen to a word I said, his assistant is to be faxing over the "surgery clearance" letter today. Until I know the letter says what it needs to say I can't help but be worried, as the last thing I want is another canceled surgery date.

Though I haven't taken any steroids in 50-some hours, I'm still really struggling. I feel jumpy, yet I'm exhausted and just want to lie around and sleep. My throat is swollen and I can barely talk. My head hurts, but on a good note at least I haven't had the severe chest pains today that I had yesterday. I know that I needed to raise my platelet count, but I certainly do not feel better now than I did last Wednesday before this started. Go figure!

Let's Try This Again

2008-12-01T14:08:00.004-05:00

It appears - at least for now - that the planets are aligned and I will be having back surgery #3 & 4 on Monday, December 15 in Baltimore.

I have approval from my boss to take off and everything is booked at the hospital. Now I just need to get past my hematologist appointment in an hour and a half and then all of the pieces will be in place. Well, at least most of the pieces, as the family and I need to work out travel schedules, hotels, etc.

The steroids I was taking this weekend to raise my platelet count have made me feel just awful, but I'm just hoping that it didn't do anything negative to my system. I still need the official clearance letter from the hematologist, but Brad was my witness on Wednesday and the doc said he would provide it. The good news is that I do not have to repeat my pre-op tests again, since they will be less than 30 days old. I know that doesn't seem like a big deal, but the thought of having to go to The Cleveland Clinic and give them more of my money and time made me a bit ill. I can't begin to explain how much I hate them and how miserable they have made my life.

Getting Closer!

2008-11-29T08:18:00.003-05:00

I had two appointments with a hematologist this past week. I left the first visit feeling like I was being pulled back in time, as he wanted to run a whole series of tests to support his theory that I had an auto-immune disease, and not an implant reaction. I was down this road earlier in the year, and knew that this was not the case. Brad went with me to the second appointment, as I had a strong feeling that what I would be hearing would not be good news, but we were both surprised...as we ended up with what we considered the "best case scenario!"

After running a myriad of tests, the doc has come to the conclusion that my low platelet count is likely due to the implant reaction. I think he was a bit surprised. In fact, the only things that showed up as something to be concerned about support the implant reaction theory and are not consistent with anything else. He agreed with me that as long as I had the artificial disc in my platelets would be low, so it would make no sense to further postpone the surgery since the surgery is likely what I need to correct the issue. This being said, he is giving his approval for me to move forward with the surgery, with the suggestion that they have platelets on hand for a transfusion during the procedure.

The one slightly sticky point is that my platelet count tanked even more this past week. It was at 21, and as of Wednesday I was at 13. The 13 is unbelievably low, so I'm now on a heavy dosage of steroids to bring the count up. I'm taking 10 of these things a day for four days, and then will go into the doc on Monday to see what the platelet count is. I'm guessing that if it does help bring up the count, he may recommend I take them leading up to the surgery to keep the count higher. Though the count is very low (should normally be at least 150), the good news is that the platelets I do have seem to be very healthy, as I'm not exhibiting issues that most people with that low a count would be having.

On Monday I will be working with my Baltimore surgeon's office to reschedule the surgery, which I'm hoping can still be done in December. It's no longer the best time for me to do this work-wise, but I'm hoping I can still make it work. I'd really hate to have to wait until March to get this resolved (since with my job I have year-end close to do in January & February), especially since my pain levels continue to worsen by the week.

In the meantime, these last few days have been a bit odd, as the steroids are a bit difficult to stomach. I'm taking two Zantac twice a day to help neutralize the stomach pain the meds cause. In addition, the steroids have a tendency to usually make it harder to sleep, can cause headaches, and can also make you starving all the time. I'm not dealing with the starving part, but I have been hit with everything else. The good news is that I think I'm starting to get use to them, at least.

Thanksgiving day was a tough one, and I found myself lounging around my parents house most of the day feeling ill. Thursday evening I was really bad, but Friday was a bit better and today - though I was wide awake at 6am - I feel a little bit better still. I need to start re-preparing for my surgery once again, so I'm planning on taking some time today to work on that. On Sunday I'm hoping to meet up with my friend Moe in Cincinnati for lunch, as I haven't seen him in more than a year. Considering we're only 3-1/2 hours apart, we should see each other more, but with opposite schedules it makes it difficult. If I can manage to do the trip tomorrow, that should be a fun day.

Brand New Day

2008-11-19T07:54:00.001-05:00

No, this is not a post about Sting's early-2000's hit song. I know they played that thing on the radio at least once an hour for a good year or so, but quite frankly I never was a fan of it.

While I woke up at 4am wondering if the past 24 hours had been a dream - or actually more of a nightmare - I found myself with a better and more positive outlook. It is a brand new day, after all.

Yesterday was one of the worst days of my life. And while on the surface I know it doesn't seem that bad, it was really a breaking point for me. Months and years of struggling and fighting, thinking that maybe my need to fight would be ending so soon, only to have it taken away from me. I have worked so hard to get to this point with my health and getting a resolution, knowing the toll it's taken on not only myself but my family...this was a blow to them as well. I've used every last ounce of energy I had, thinking that come Monday I would not only have my surgery but a much needed break from everything...and now that's gone, at least for now.

While I usually try to handle myself in a calm, rational manner - especially when dealing with medical professionals - yesterday I just lost it. Completely lost it. The way things went down yesterday completely pushed me over the edge. The stress I have allowed to build up internally just exploded, and for about six hours I found myself in a place I had never been before in my entire life. When I woke up this morning, I realized that my breakdown wasn't just about a canceled surgery, but was really about 20 years of struggles and difficulties with my health that I have internalized. I've taken all of my experiences and feelings and shoved them into a place so I could just "ignore" them and keep moving forward; I've never truly dealt with the situations. I haven't had the luxury of dealing with them, as I needed to focus all of my energies on trying to maintain as normal of a life as possible and coping with the pain. And if I'm being honest, I've felt myself breaking this entire year...it was only a matter of time before I had a monumental breakdown. But now it's over, and it's time to breathe, refocus and rebuild. My life didn't end yesterday, it just changed my path a little bit. And probably for the better.

I'm disappointed that the surgery is off, but hopeful I can still have it rescheduled for December. My boss is understanding of the situation, and I've now been told to do what I need to do and not worry about work...and since he's my boss, I'll gladly follow his orders. I have an appointment with the hematologist today, and I'm even coming armed with support for this one - my dad. It will not only be a first time in over a decade that I've had someone with me for a doctor visit, but I think it may be the first time that my dad is my support. I think this will be a positive thing, as I find myself drained in every way imaginable and little "fight" left. I know he'll speak up for me and fight for the right testing and treatment to get this thing moving and over with.

I want to thank everyone again for their support. I apologize for my ramblings, but for me writing is the most therapeutic thing I can do. I'm hoping one day I can look back at all of this and have a written account of my struggles...and try to come up with a way to make sense of it, and maybe even a purpose for it all.

Devastated

2008-11-18T17:56:00.004-05:00

My surgery was canceled approximately 20 hours prior to when I was to leave for Baltimore.

My platelet count is extremely low. 21,000. While I'm certain it's due to the high ANA levels in my body...which is my body's way of fighting the implant...and unfortunately also "fights" tissues, muscles, bone and little things like platelets...it doesn't matter. They can't operate on someone they fear might bleed to death on the operating table.

So here I sit, in the dark, at home. My head is pounding from the past two hours I've spent crying hysterically. I cannot believe that I came so close, just to have it taken away from me.

My fear is that now I have to see a hematologist. This person will no doubt run their tests and ignore any evidence I bring to the table as to help educate them about my situation. They will likely try various things that won't work, will diagnose me with something that I don't technically have on my own, but because of this damn implant that I'm now stuck with for an unknown amount of weeks or months more than what it's already been. This process will take weeks because it is the Cleveland Clinic, and because I'm not a patient with wealth and fame that might bring them some more prestige.

This was my chance to have the surgery with little interruption to my job. Year end close starts January 5; even if I have the surgery three weeks from now, that's putting me back at work at the end of January. I don't think that's feasible, at least if I want to keep my job. A person doesn't take off for six weeks during the most busy time of the year unless it's due to a heart attack or stroke.

I'm just angry. My platelet count was low in February - 110,000. My ANA levels were high; for the life of me I don't understand why my primary care physician didn't think it would be a good idea to check these levels once in awhile? After all, I see her every darn month to get prescription refills, because she only writes me stuff for 30 day supplies. After all of the extra time and energy I have spent preparing for this on a personal and professional level, and to have it taken away from me...I just have no words. I feel like I've been run over by a truck, and then the truck backs up and runs over me again, repeating the process about 100 times over. I'm just devastated. And I have no idea where to go from here.

First Snow

2008-11-15T22:11:00.000-05:00

As of November 15, we have now received our first snowfall of the 2008-09 winter season. What started as 56 degrees and cloudy turned into showers, rapidly dropping temps and then snow. It's ironic that exactly three years ago it was almost an exactly similar day in Bettendorf, Iowa, when we held the visitation and funeral for my Grandpa S.

Head Still On

2008-11-12T09:34:00.002-05:00

Though I woke up this morning not feeling too great, after I took some vitamins and sinus meds I'm feeling better. Much better than yesterday, thankfully. I don't remember much of the last few days, but I'm still here.

Something weird did catch my eye this morning. On a news web site there were two separate articles relating to grandmothers:

Grandmother Gives Birth to Daughter's Triplets
Grandmother Finds 3 Relatives Dead in Dallas Home

I'm not sure what to make of this, but I know this much - grandmothers are a very important part of our lives. I for one am glad to have both of mine still in my life at the old age of 32. I'm very lucky indeed.

Headaches

2008-11-11T16:56:00.002-05:00

For the last few days I have been suffering from ever-increasing headaches. I've narrowed it down to the following potential causes:

1. Going off a few medications that I was taking regularly, that I have to be off prior to the surgery so I don't bleed to death on the table.

2. The fact that I can't get in to see my primary care physician for the required history, physical and pre-op tests until Monday at 2:40pm. The results must be in Baltimore by Wednesday or I can kiss my surgery date goodbye. Considering this is under the Cleveland Clinic umbrella, you can see why I'm gravely concerned.

3. Work-related stress. Trying to wrap-up 3rd quarter numbers and about 100 other things. Plus I need to work on the transition/re-assignment plan so things don't fall apart when I'm gone. The 12+ hour days (not including drive-time) are probably not helping either.

4. Lack of sleep. I've been waking up at about 12:30am the last few mornings and not getting much sleep after that. Partly due to pain, partly due to worry and too many thoughts running through my head.

5. Unknowns still being unknowns. I'm still waiting to hear if this surgery will even be covered by insurance. Plus I'm waiting on information on an outpatient procedure I have to have done Thursday in preparation for the surgery. I have to be there at 7am, but Brad can't join me until later that morning as he has a class he can't miss the night before. I need to figure out how I'm getting to/from the hospital, plus I'm anxious as to whether this will put me out of commission in the days prior to the surgery. After all, I really wanted some time to just enjoy D.C. and try to get my mind off Nov. 24.

6. Lack of me time. I'm so busy trying to wrap up work and homeowners association stuff that I feel I have no time to prepare on a personal level. Considering I'll be away from home for three weeks, I really need that time but haven't found any yet.

I'm guessing my headaches are caused by "all of the above." And while I should stay late at work, or run personal errands after work, I've decided that I will instead be going home, laying down in a dark room and hoping that I'll get some sleep and feel better when I wake up in the morning. And if someone can maybe give me some fluids through an IV or something, I wouldn't be opposed to it. A glass would work, too.

The Details

2008-11-09T07:45:00.005-05:00

I got back home late Friday evening from Baltimore, my mind swimming with all of the things that need to happen in these next few weeks.

The surgery has been scheduled for Monday, November 24. I'll have to be there on the 20th for an IVC filter (outpatient procedure), and the 21st to meet with the case manager, so that limits my time back in Ohio even more. I will likely be in the hospital until the day after Thanksgiving, and then will be taking up residence at a Residence Inn about 10 miles from the hospital. My mom has been wonderful enough to agree to take care of me while at the hotel, where I will be stuck for another 1-2 weeks depending on when I'm good enough for the surgeon to release me. I'm guessing I'll be heading back home the week of December 8.

Though this will be the most complicated surgery I have had to date, I do feel confident with the surgical team. The ortho surgeon has removed over 100 of these discs - the most any surgeon has removed in the world - so I'm in good hands there. The vascular surgeon is having me go through some extra tests and procedures so I don't bleed to death. He seems pretty sharp, and was kind enough to see me in between surgeries on Friday.

So what does this all come down to? The next two weeks will probably go by faster than I can imagine. I'm as ready as I'll ever be to get this thing done, so it's probably a good thing that I'll be so busy I won't have much time to think. And as an extra benefit before the surgery, I'll have almost four whole days in the Baltimore/D.C. area to spend with Brad and just hang out in one of my favorite towns. Kind of a last "hurray" before I'm laid up for weeks. Always need to look at the bright side.

Thanks for Nothing, Cleveland Clinic

2008-11-05T14:02:00.004-05:00

On October 23 I went to see the surgeon who performed my second spine operation. Though I didn't mention it on this blog, it was a nightmare. I spent 5-1/2 hours there and all but 5 minutes waiting, and at one point was so upset with how I was being treated - including several conversations my doctor had with others about my situation when he was right outside my room - that I hand wrote a "To my doctor" letter on spare paper I had on me in an effort to calm down. Maybe one day I'll just have to post that.

So at the end of the appointment I requested all of my records. After all, I wasted my entire morning there so I should walk away with something, right? I wanted to be able to take them to Baltimore so surgeon #3 could see the progression. Every film I had taken on my back since May 2005 was in the Cleveland Clinic's hands. The surgeon had his secretary give me a form right away to release my records, and then took it from me directly to be processed. I was told that it would be expedited. This was on Thursday, October 23.

So two weeks later, I have not received a thing. My work schedule has been so dreadful that I haven't found the time to think "Hey, you should call CCF and check the status of your records." Well, actually it pops in my head every day, but only at 7:30pm at night when I'm driving home from work. Until today. Yes, last minute, but that's my life lately.

I take 10 minutes to find a number to call, another 10 minutes on hold with the records department. Figured I would go right to the source instead of trying to call a surgeon's secretary who never answers her phone and takes days to call back. I give my patient information, and then I hear the dreaded words. "Sorry, we have no record of your request. It must not have made it to our department."

So now I'm going to Baltimore tomorrow with nothing from CCF other than some test results I can print off the web and the set of x-rays I have from October 23. That's it. I probably should be surprised, but I'm not. Furious, but not surprised.

I'd love nothing more than to tell CCF and the staff I've had to deal with where they can go, and to have twenty minutes alone with a really good punching bag, but for now I'll just have to suffice blogging about it. Tomorrow is around the corner, and "it is what it is."

In the meantime, if you are in need of medical care and want to be treated like some hurt cow that's just going off to the butcher shop anyway, go to The Cleveland Clinic. They specialize in making you feel about two levels lower than dirt. If you want to be treated with a little respect, then go somewhere else. University Hospitals, maybe. I'll let you know.

Exciting Times

2008-11-05T07:36:00.002-05:00

I woke up at 2am, unable to fall back asleep. I watched McCain give his concession speech, and Obama give his acceptance speech, which I had recorded earlier in the evening. I then switched on the DVD player to Disc 1 of "The Office" season 2, which I watched until the alarm went off at 4:15 am.

This is definitely an exciting time to be an American, and it was great to see history made last night. While the Democrats have yet to sell me on their plan for success, it's always an inspiration to see someone come from humble beginnings make it to the top. Only in America, and that's a great thing.

I always get worked up on election night, so I'm not surprised I only got three hours of sleep. Still bummed from my new fish-less situation, and horribly anxious about my surgeon appointment on Thursday, I have a feeling that many sleepless nights are ahead of me. Not because of the fish, but the surgery thing.

On a side note I have gotten a lot of e-mails from family & friends that read the blog, giving me encouragement for Thursday and providing me with some great laughter, too. I need to write you all back individually, but since that won't occur for a few days given my schedule I just want to say thank you. I feel I'm lacking mental and emotional strength lately, and to have so many great people behind me really helps. It's difficult for me to communicate what's really going on in my mind, but I am ever so grateful for each of you.

President Obama

2008-11-04T21:51:00.001-05:00

Ohio was just called at 9:30pm for Obama. I think it's time to start calling him President-Elect. Congrats to the Senator from the great State of Illinois. And now I can go to sleep!

No More Fish

2008-11-04T21:35:00.002-05:00

I came home tonight after a long day - including the voting thing - and found Andy dead. Obviously there must have been something that ran through the tank, because I just lost my only three fish in a week. It's actually the first time I've not had a fish since 2003; there have been four generations.

I know they are just fish, but I've always found them fun and interesting. They were always great to watch, and were a calming presence. They were a source of happiness, and I'm just a bit empty inside without them here.

Election Day 2008

2008-11-04T07:25:00.002-05:00

Instead of waiting for the polls to open here at 6:30, I decided to head into work exceptionally early so I could hopefully get out by 4:30 to go vote. I've already heard from some of my Ohio family and co-workers that the lines are huge, so I guess everyone will be wasting a good hour in a line today. Not a bad problem to have, let's just hope those administering the election can handle it!

Election Day Eve

2008-11-03T17:16:00.000-05:00

After what seems to be a decade of campaigning, Election Day 2008 is just a day away. I'm not saying there will be results, just that everyone (should) be done with their voting tomorrow, if in fact they decide to vote. I used to be a person who thought that everyone should vote who can, but after some more life experience I've decided that if a person doesn't want to vote that's their right, too. All I ask is that those people keep their mouths shut because you really have no right to complain if you didn't vote.

With everything else going on in life, politics consumes more of my mind than I'd like. It is usually a cause of stress, anxiety and frustration more than anything. No matter what the results are after tomorrow, I don't think it will change anything in my own mind. Sad, but true. I've come to the conclusion that the governmental system is broken because we have not done anything about it. As American's, we've become lazy and taken our rights as U.S. citizens for granted. We've bought into the media and politician jargon that the only thing we're good for is a vote. "Vote, then don't worry your pretty little head about the rest." The truth is that we have so much more power than what anyone wants to actually talk about, because if most people understood what power we have then most politicians would be out of their cushy jobs and people would not be so dependent on their power and how they choose to use it.

I wasn't planning on this little rant, yet that's where blogging takes me today. Recently I came to the conclusion to stop complaining and start doing something constructive; to stop feeling helpless and start being helpful. So I've taken the first step in doing something which, when it's more developed, I'll share. With any luck, it will be a good project for me to start when I'm at home recovering from surgery.

Another Goodbye???

2008-10-31T13:55:00.002-04:00

Fox has now canceled King of the Hill. Not even a series finale or anything. It's not like it's my favorite show, but it provides some good entertainment. I swear, I'm getting really sick of Fox and how it treats its shows. After 13 years on the air, this is what KotH and its viewers get? I guess I should be lucky Arrested Development got a proper send-off after being on air only 2-1/2 years.

Goodbye Sammy

2008-10-31T07:53:00.005-04:00

I lost yet another fish this week - Sammy "The Knee."

I can't wait for this day to be over. I'm really feeling quite down and just want to be home.

Another Week

2008-10-30T12:59:00.003-04:00

After a staff meeting, one of my accounting staff came up to me and said "I like to think that a week from now you'll be on the path to getting your life back."

My mind has been so focused on other things this week - my dead (Tony) and sick (poor Sammy is probably not going to make it through the week) fish, quarter end closing stuff, prep for the exec committee meeting today, the horrible pain the crappy weather has been causing me, a new personal - and potential business - venture I'm starting to develop, and the opportunity Brad has to travel abroad through school and determining how to make it financially feasible...those have all been consuming my mind. It hadn't hit me that I'll be meeting my new surgeon a week from today.

There's a part of me that is beyond hopeful that what my co-worker said comes true. However, the realist in me knows the risks and the odds; the risks are great and the odds are against me. I think the thing I have to really come to terms with most is that what happens, happens. This surgery is really the last effort. What results from it is the way it will be, and I must find a way to cope with it no matter what the outcome.

R.I.P. Tony

2008-10-29T12:05:00.002-04:00

So after a long day at work and a nice meal out with Brad, I come home to find my goldfish Tony (a.k.a. Fat Tony) at the bottom of the tank, dead. I was completely shocked. Sammy, who we've had since Feb. 07, has not been doing too well lately, but Tony was the healthiest fish in the tank. We got him and his brother Andy on July 12, so this is actually the shortest amount of time any of our fish have lived. (I'm excluding Eddie because there was something wrong with him from the day we got him, so I blame the store for his 2-week span with us.)

I feel bad, because I never did get around to taking pictures of him. For a smaller fish, he had a strength and fight that made tank life interesting. He loved to fight with Sammy, who is more than twice his size, and often won the battles. He was sweet towards Andy, who was his tank mate from the store. He loved to eat, swam around like crazy, and hopefully had a decent life.

I'm really going to miss Fat Tony, and wish he could have stayed around a bit longer.

Randall 10 - Thirteen Years Later

2008-10-27T20:00:00.004-04:00

I think it's appropriate to acknowledge that exactly 13 years ago today, myself and about 70 others opened the Randall 10 in Batavia, Illinois. It was not only a turning point in my early career, but it also lead me to develop two great, long term friendships (Chrissy and Moe - you know who you are!) that I cherish immensely. I was only there five months before I was promoted and transferred, but it was still good times. I was usually overworked, stretched to my maximum mental and physical capacity, and dealing with certain people that made my life difficult for what I considered nothing but selfish reasons.

There were a lot of memorable moments from that first official day we were open to the public. Waking up, getting ready and going out to my car to find my tires deflated from nails, thanks to the lovely union projectionists who were picketing our theater for not using them. Getting to work a final shift with an old friend from Willow Knolls 14, who was there to assist in the opening on her last day with the company. Going out to Denny's in Aurora with many of the staff after finishing out the 9 o'clock set. A few of us then piling into cars, driving north of downtown Chicago in an attempt to find an all-night bowling alley; which we found, but a few people (not me!) were scared due to questionable atmosphere, so we instead went straight back to Aurora to spend the rest of the early morning hours.

For the original crew of the Randall 10, everyone should be proud of their accomplishments. While the first month was rough, the gang was able to overcome some challenging obstacles and turn the place into an entertainment destination and a part of the Batavia community. Since 1995 it's grown into a 16-plex, complete with an IMAX theater. While I've heard it's quite a bit run down, it still seems to pull in a crowd the few random times I've driven by.

Just one question now remains - has anyone discovered the time capsule?

Freaky Wednesday

2008-10-22T08:18:00.002-04:00

I come in today, open my e-mail, and find an email with the following:

Can you fly to Portland for an evening of no remembrance?

I wish I could say it was a typical junk mail, but it wasn't. It was from some guy (and obvious jackass) who owns an "asset recovery firm" that we (the company) engaged about two months ago. Our conversations were very limited, and mostly by e-mail, and the issue was quickly resolved in early September. So now I open my work e-mail, and as a reply to an e-mail I sent him on Sept 8 stating that the City of Cleveland did not owe us money and that the issue was cleared up...I get THIS reply.

I see the email was sent at 3:35am EDT. Was the guy high? Drunk? Did he accidentally mean to send this to another one of his contacts? Or is he just the biggest loser and freak out there? The answer is likely "all of the above."

So now I'm stuck with this nagging on my brain as to a response. I know sometimes it's best just to let things go, but I'm really tempted to write this guy back and tell him where he can go.

Daily Thoughts and Observations

2008-10-21T08:18:00.004-04:00

Between the construction noise and intense winds outside, it sounds like a sick cow giving birth. If I have to listen to this all day it is going to be a very unproductive day.

I haven't been feeling a strong pull to move back to Illinois lately, but this recent article makes me wonder if I should be giving the state another chance. After all, I think my past goldfish - Fish One, Fish Two, Norman, Eddie and Louie would be very responsible voters. My live fish would be, too.

In between the "sick cow" noise breaks I can actually hear the waves on Lake Erie. And if I turn around and look out my window, I can see the waves, too. If this keeps up I'm guessing there will be no sailboats out today.

Carrie Fisher turns 52 today. No real significance...just that we share the same first name, and a few of the engineers call me "Carrie Fisher". And sometimes "Carrie Underwood", but it's not as popular.

The winds still continue. I hope I'm not killed by shattered glass, because I've heard that has happened on many occasions in this building. Not the killings part, but the window glass breaking. Usually people are lucky enough where they are not in their office when it happens, but we're talking about me here. If my window breaks, I can assure you I will likely be right by it when it happens.

Happy October 21, everyone.

Sluggish

2008-10-16T07:32:00.002-04:00

This whole week has been a blur. A combination of long hours, not feeling well at all...yeah, I think those two are reason enough. One of my accounting team members is at the hospital awaiting the birth of her grandson, which means for the next week and a half I'll not only be doing my job, but hers as well since she plans on taking the time off. And of course on top of that I am working on quarter end numbers, so I'm on my own there as well.

On the health side, the pain has been immense all week; and even if I eliminate the pain, I'm still not feeling like myself. I would almost call it a drug reaction, but I don't know what that would be as I'm not taking anything new, nor have I gone off anything. I'm just not well. I would see a doctor...but that's out the window since I'm pretty much the entire accounting department right now. (Sorry, but my PT person is just that - a PT person)

I just want to put my head on my desk and sleep.

Here Comes the Sun

2008-10-09T08:07:00.003-04:00

I hit the road this morning around 5:50am, surrounded by complete darkness. From my office window you could only see a few office lights on in the surrounding buildings, and a huge black hole where Lake Erie is.

I went straight to work, unaware of the environment around me, when suddenly I see a bright reflection off my wall. That couldn't be the sun, right? Wait - it is!

I don't know what I am more surprised by. The fact it's 8am and time is already going quickly, or the fact that I actually see sun out my window...a first in many long, dreary days.

Reality

2008-10-06T20:42:00.001-04:00

I did manage to get an appointment with the surgeon in Baltimore scheduled for November 6. It will mean 13 hours on the road in one day, by myself, but I don't care.

As I usually do when I'm faced with a potential surgery, I initially tried to tell myself that I could put it off. Let's face it, surgery is no fun. With back surgery it has an affect on every part of your body, and the more surgeries you have the more difficult it appears to recover from them in a timely manner. And given my track record with two previous back surgeries that did nothing but make the situation worse, I suppose it is natural to fight against having a third surgery that could also prove pointless.

But after I went through the denial stage, I had a brief period of depression and then skipped right to acceptance. At least the acceptance regarding the reality of my situation; I need surgery sooner than later. It would be great if I could wait a year, but I can't. Realistically, I should try to have it in late November or early December. This period is the slowest time of the year for me work-wise, and would be the best time for me to squeeze this major surgery in.

I know I'm not done with my "denial, anger, bargaining and depression". After reading the recent reports regarding the disc I had put in 3-1/2 years ago and the similar problems it is causing others - including several lawsuits out there that I am wondering if I should try and join - I probably have every right to feel those things. Given the lack of support by the medical community and what I've had to suffer physically and mentally, the anger increases that much more. But in the end it doesn't change the end result - the disc must come out, and bone must go in.

Which, after saying that, put a Simpson's saying in my head. "Knife goes in, guts come out, that's what Osaka Seafood Fish Concern is all about."

12:00pm

2008-10-02T12:00:00.001-04:00

I'm feeling very blah today. Maybe it's the 12-hour work days I've been putting in, or the fact that my pain has increased another notch in a matter of weeks. Maybe it's the fact that I'm stuck waiting on surgeon #1 here in Ohio to see if he'll prescribe me the meds I want, or the fact that I'm stuck waiting for Baltimore surgeon's office to officially give me permission to schedule an appointment. I'm working as hard and as fast as I can, but I'm still not getting the stuff done that needs to. I'm overwhelmed with my workload, fed up with pain, tired of waiting, and I miss seeing my husband and having quality time to spend with him. I also miss my family and friends, and just having a life in general.

Or who knows - maybe it's the fact that overnight the weather turned cold, dreary and windy. I usually like Fall, but the weather changes are hard for my body to handle. It also could be the fact that I've basically been up since about 1:30am. Yeah, that's probably more like it. Probably.

I Don't See Any Any Key!

2008-09-30T10:40:00.005-04:00

Some 1,400 chief information officers from companies across the United States to come up with the most baffling questions their help desks or technical support teams had ever received. (AFP/Illustration)

Why do I find this funny? Well, if you go back to a blog I wrote in July 2007, you'll see why.

Get Rid of Them All

2008-09-30T07:56:00.003-04:00

I believe I have come to the conclusion that in this election I will vote for only non-incumbents at all levels of government, and will encourage everyone else to do the same. We need to start with a clean slate.

And in terms of the President, vote for whoever you want. If there was a third party candidate that I could tolerate I would vote for them...but there is no such thing.

Another Notch

2008-09-25T07:30:00.001-04:00

It seems like there is always a time where the pain I'm in steps up a notch. No reason, activity or logic to it, it just happens.

Unfortunately I think it just climbed up yet another notch.

I thought that maybe I was just going through an "inflammatory" phase these last couple of weeks due to the change in weather, but have come to the conclusion that it's not a short-term thing. Unfortunately it's here to stay.

With each "notch" it eats away more at my mental strength, and this most recent increase is no exception. It's a harsh reality, but if the doctors continue to sit around and do nothing I would be shocked if I'm still able to work in a year. And for me, the person whose life once revolved around work and career, it's a tough thing to swallow.

I hope one day I can look back at all of this and know that there was a purpose behind all of the suffering. I feel that after all I've been through that I should be able to do "something" with it. Granted, things are not over yet, but...why was I meant to go through all of this if there was not a greater purpose?

Hello, Ike

2008-09-15T16:45:00.004-04:00

While the Texans got to see Ike at full blast, we Ohioans were in for a shock yesterday afternoon when 65-80 mph winds started blowing. Ike was here, but we didn't know it then. Brad and I were both upstairs, in separate rooms, when I heard the large, long crackle of wood breaking, and then a large bang that shook the house. I sat in our office in silence, with the words "Did a tree just fall?" going through my mind. Within seconds Brad's voice boomed down the hall, "We lost a tree. Didn't hit a house, but we're blocked in."

A 40-50 ft tree in a tree lawn on the south side of the property had a big, old tree come tumbling down in the wind. It looks like it was decaying from the inside, and the winds snapped it at the base. We were lucky no one was hurt, and that there was no property damage. Yes, we were blocked in since the tree was over our only road out of the development, and there was some landscaping damage, but after hearing other people's stories we were immensely lucky.

After calling a few tree removal companies and getting turned down due to the volume they had already accumulated, we finally found a guy close by to do the job, and for $900. Not bad, considering the high demand. We now have a path clear in our road to drive through, and within the next few days the company will clean up the rest.

My parents, 10 minutes down the road, also got hit hard. Wires down, trees down...complete mess. Neither of us had power, along with over 300,000 residents in the Cleveland/Akron area. What we always find amusing is that typically when we lose power, the houses on the other side of our southern tree lawn typically have it. So we went to a neighbors, had some screwdrivers (and yes, I mean vodka & orange juice) in the driveway, watching the winds and envying the people in the houses that were in their comfortable homes, with their electricity, air conditioning and television. Considering the circumstances, it was not a bad night.

The one thing most people around here agree on is the lack of a warning before the winds came. We certainly knew nothing about it, and we had been watching the Bears/Panthers game on a Cleveland network. I'm not sure what the weather people were up to, but I think they were slacking just a bit. Probably out at the Browns Stadium tailgating and drinking until they felt no pain (in anticipation of their major loss to the Steelers).

What was to happen Sunday evening was our association board meeting, which was going to probably be one big stressful shouting match. Instead, we gathered together as a community (for the most part - a few people decided to play their typical games) and made the best of a bad situation. You can actually say that the tree brought us together, at least for an evening. I'm sure in a week everyone will be back to their political games. But for now I'm going to enjoy the peace while it lasts.

A Moment of Silence

2008-09-11T08:46:00.006-04:00

I certainly hope people can stop talking/commenting about who called who a pig in lipstick, get over themselves, grow up, and refocus on what is really important in life.

It's a sad statement that the 25th anniversary of the VMA's received more press than the 7 year anniversary of 9/11. Pathetic. As a country, where did we go wrong? Where did we lose our way here? Is it too late to change course, or like the mighty Roman empire are we destined to fail?

Results

2008-09-04T15:53:00.003-04:00

About a month ago I had blood drawn, which was then sent to Rush in Chicago for testing. The purpose was to see if I had a high level of various metals in my bloodstream, which could be a sign that my body was allergic to, or rejecting, the artificial disc I had put in place back in May 2005. My dad initiated the conversation with my original surgeon at my desperate request (they work together), so the testing was done. I had not heard anything, so I asked my dad to check with the surgeon to see when the results would be available. As it turns out, the surgeon had received them this week.

The results show that there is an "elevated level of nickel reactivity". The surgeon was quick to point out that nickel is not a component of the disc. However, after a few minutes of web research, I was able to confirm that one of the main components, cobalt, is a byproduct of nickel. Basically the two go hand-in-hand. Also several of the other metals used for the disc often contain some nickel in their makeup.

I don't know what all of this will lead to, but it's something. Out of all of the test results I've had, only two things have come back positive - the level of nickel in my bloodstream, and my anti-nuclear antibody level. Both items are signs of an allergic reaction based on what I've read.

I'm trying not to get ahead of myself, but it's tough not to feel consumed with emotion right now. It's good news - great news, actually - but there is also a part of me that is furious for the hell I've gone through and the complete lack of support from the medical community. I've asked every doctor I've seen these past 3 years (over 11 of them) if I could be allergic to the implant, and I was blown off. In fact, most of the docs gave a laugh and told me "If you can wear a watch, you don't have a metal allergy." Right...because wearing a watch on my wrist is completely the same as having a large metal implant inside your body reacting with various tissues and such. Because my watch is made out of the exact metals - and plastics - as an implant. Completely the same.

Idiots.

If I actually get a diagnosis for whatever it is I have and it's related to the disc, I will certainly make it my mission to share my story as much as I can so others who may be suffering from the same thing can get treated. In the meantime these results have given me a much needed boost of fighting power. It gives me something to work with, which is all I've been wanting for a few years now. Something to let me know that I'm not crazy, that it's not all in my imagination and that what I'm suffering from is real. It may not have been real to the medical community up until this point because it's not one of the main "top 50" diseases they are aware of, but it's definitely real to me. And I think this most recent test reinforces the fact that there is something there.

Mission Accomplished

2008-09-04T12:00:00.001-04:00

After months of planning and several weeks of work, my mom's 60th birthday weekend went well. Only one small hiccup - I had to tell my mom over the phone on Friday that Grandma was in the car, and I was driving her to Ohio as a surprise.

What can I say. Mom started panicking when she called Grandma three times on Friday morning and got no answer, so she assumed the worst; that she was injured, dead, or possibly kidnapped. Ok, I made up the kidnapping part.

So I received the dreaded call from Mom at 2pm, just as I crossed into Indiana. She started out asking me where I was, how was traffic, and whether I had a headache. Considering she did not know where I was, I had to make up stuff. I could tell something was bothering her, so I asked her straight out and then I got the panic about Grandma. She was about to call Grandma again for a fourth time...so there was nothing I could do. I admitted I had her mom in the car, and after stating three or four times that I wasn't joking, I finally handed the phone to Grandma so she could prove that what I was saying was true.

I was pretty devastated for about two minutes. All the effort, all the stress with keeping it a secret, and the fact there would be no joyful moment with the whole family once Grandma arrived...it was a severe kick to the stomach. But then I realized that I had accomplished the mission - giving my mom time with her mom, and making it a surprise - so all was good. I got over myself and the situation.

Thursday through Monday was a hectic, time-consuming, exhausting, physically painful blur. Actually, that really describes the last few weeks. But in the end, I think everyone had a lot of fun, and I managed to get everything done that I had planned. I got about 4 hours of sleep a night at most, but I made it through.

I have some good pictures and good stories, but that will probably have to wait another week or two. Technically, the birthday gift/work is not officially over. I still have Grandma to take back to Iowa this weekend, and then next weekend I have several things to take back to various stores that I did not end up using for the cake. Since I have a few days of "down time" (excluding my work-related hours of 5am to 6:30pm this week), the goal is to try and get as much sleep as possible these next few days. To say I'm exhausted from the past few weeks is an understatement.

Paid Sick Leave Issue Pulled From Ohio Ballot

2008-09-04T10:02:00.002-04:00

Great news today from the State of Ohio - the Ohio Healthy Families Act has been pulled from the ballot this November. It appears the group who started this is going to focus their efforts on a similar Federal bill.

It is wonderful news, as now I don't have to spend weeks of my work life coming up with a new sick/vacation/holiday policy and tracking system. I can now spend my "down time" in between end-of-quarter work to do things that I want to do, such as create an all-encompassing database to track employee information, benefits, and EEO information.

And in the end, the best part about this news is that we can keep the generous package we currently have for our employees.

St. Paul, Minnesota

2008-09-03T20:48:00.002-04:00

St. Paul - especially downtown St. Paul - was where I called home for three years, and where I worked for five years. As I was plugging away on my computer tonight, I saw on the news more video of protesters vandalizing storefronts and taking over the streets. I just couldn't take it anymore.

I know where these people are, and what they are destroying in their path. Where the dumpster fire broke out Monday and the first confrontation between police and protesters occurred, I (and Brad at one point) worked next door. I see the familiar sights of stores, banks, restaurants and streets that were my home, being torn to shreds. I worry for my former co-workers who are still downtown (though luckily they moved a few years ago to a place a little further from the convention center), and for everyone who calls St. Paul home. We obviously left Minnesota for a reason, but we did enjoy our time in St. Paul. It was a clean, safe city, with beautiful sights and culture, and friendly people. To see what these protesters are doing is horribly wrong, immoral, and disgusting. The people and businesses of St. Paul do not deserve this.

I'm all for peaceful protests, but these people completely infuriate me and disgust me right now. These people, who obviously have high opinions of themselves and what they are allowed to do to others without any explanation or care, deserve to be taken down off their little pedestals and put through hell. Kudos to the Twin Cities cops who have had to put up with their childish, pathetic behavior, and a "hang in there" to those St. Paul folks who will hopefully be able to reclaim their city once this mess is over. May the protesters rightfully get what is coming to them. Pathetic...disgusting and pathetic.

Made It - One Day Down, Four More to Go

2008-08-28T22:54:00.004-04:00

Made it to Moline, IL tonight. I always love the drive through Illinois, as I pass signs for cities that I've lived in or spent memorable moments in. Chicago, Rockford, Sterling, Peoria...DeKalb, Princeton, Dixon. Good times. The Quad Cities is a place especially close to me, since my Grandpa S. lived here since I can remember, so there is not a place in this city that doesn't remind me of him and the time we spent together.

I took a few pics from the road, but am too tired to load them. I'm starting day 2 at 7am tomorrow, so I should try to get some sleep.

And...I don't want to jinx it...but I think the Bears are going to beat the Browns. Yeah!!!

Luck is with me. So far.

2008-08-28T07:32:00.003-04:00

This morning I awoke at 4am and couldn't get back to sleep. This afternoon I head to Iowa to pick up my mom's surprise. I got up, finished packing, did a little house cleaning and left a little bit later than my normal time. Made it about 13 miles north on the interstate where I was, at most, six cars behind a set of cars that would be involved in a pretty bad collision. I was lucky enough not to see it, and even luckier not to be in it. And also lucky that the guy behind me who was following me exceptionally close didn't run into the back of me when we had to go from 60 mph to 0 in a matter of seconds. (Squealing tires and seeing the car behind you pull to the shoulder to avoid you is never a good thing.)

It turns out one of my accounting department employees was almost in the crash. She saw some of what happened but didn't stop. Don't agree with it, but I'm glad she's ok. Too many close calls before 7:30am; with those out of the way hopefully the rest of the day will be smooth sailing. If I'm awake enough, I'll drop a line when I'm in Iowa.

Wallace and Gromit...Fashion Models???

2008-08-26T08:59:00.004-04:00

As a big W&G fan, I was surprised to find this news article this morning here.

Even more exciting is that I didn't know they were making another W&G movie. If you have not seen "The Incredible Adventures of Wallace and Gromit" (1996), it is a must-see. Good stuff.

"Cheese, Gromit! Cheeeeeeese!"

Thoughts From a Cat

2008-08-26T08:40:00.002-04:00

I can't believe I just did this, but I came up with a poem for the card I'm making for the cat to "give" to my mom. Yikes.

Today is an appropriate time to say,
I appreciate all you do for me each day.

Feeding me, brushing me, giving me pills,
In an effort to cure me of all of my ills.

Letting me lay in comfortable baskets,
While I look out the windows at stray cats making a racket.

Petting me, soothing me, calling me yours,
As a cat I could never feel more adored.

Holding me in your arms, rubbing my head,
Putting up with my loud cries when I want to be fed.

As my mom, you're at the top of the list,
No one else in this world would have treated me like this.

So on this Monday, first day in September,
I want to wish you a Happy 60th Birthday to remember.

Operation Hot Mother

2008-08-25T17:30:00.002-04:00

Since Brad convinced me that this is the new, hot thing to do, I created a Facebook account on Friday. I'm not sure why, especially since I have no time to devote to it these days. But, it's there. I'm doubtful I'll stick with it for long, as I'm a big fan of Blogger, but you never know. At minimum I'll use it to provide me with quotes from shows like "Arrested Development" and "The Office" so I can start my day with a smile.

This weekend was entirely consumed with birthday planning for my mom. I keep referring to it in my head as "Operation Hot Mother", which is an "Arrested Development" thing. In this case, the word "Hot" refers to my mother possibly being really steamed at me bringing my Grandma here as a surprise. Yes, it's weird, but by doing something nice I could possibly get myself a wall of silence from my mom for an undefined amount of time.

So what have I accomplished? Well, I made test cake #2 and test frosting #3, and actually decided to use it for the real thing. The recipe is from the Magnolia Bakery in New York, and I had recently seen them highlighted on a Food Network show. I'm using their "Vanilla Vanilla" recipe, except I'm having to adjust it a bit since the cake will be 11" x 15". It is, by far, the best cake I've made from scratch.

I managed to get most of the cake decorations put together, which consist of scrapbook decor, mini photos, Scrabble letters and a few calculator keys. It seems like it would be an easy thing, but it took me hours to put together. You'll see why when I post pictures of the final cake. I made restaurant arrangements, planned meals and grocery lists, finalized travel, and got some stuff to make a unique birthday sign/banner. Bought a gift for the cat to give my mom, which is a nice frame with a cute picture of him before he got cancer. (He's still alive, which is why she can't bring herself to leave him and visit family in Iowa). I tried different decorating tips for the frosting, deciding which ones I was going to use when I had the real, final cake in front of me, and also made a few store stops for odds and ends.

When I type this out it doesn't seem like much, yet it took me all weekend to accomplish it. Tonight I'm going to go to the Party Station and pick up some containers for food transportation, since we'll be having a picnic at Blossom (an outdoor music venue) Sunday evening before hearing the Cleveland Orchestra's "Night at the Movies". I need to make the banners and birthday signage, and go through the fridge and cupboards to see if there is anything I can toss before buying the huge load of groceries tomorrow night for the weekend. I have to do laundry, pack, hand-make two birthday cards (one from Brad and I, another one from the cat), wrap gifts, and make a list of stuff I need to get during my short time in Iowa, like the good C&H sugar that you can't find in Ohio (yes, the sugar we have here is really that bad). Oh, and I need to clean my car, since right now it looks like a car I spend 65+ miles a day in. Is it possible that I can accomplish all of this in three evenings, between the hours of 6:30pm and 10:30pm? Hmmm...probably not, but I'll die trying.

I'm hoping that through my hard work and long hours now, that Friday evening will come and I'll be able to just sit back and enjoy the family. Well, at least enjoy them in between the cooking of meals and of course baking and decorating the cake. And if my mom is ticked at me for all I've done...well, then hopefully at least everyone else will enjoy themselves. There's no stopping Operation Hot Mother now.

Mission: Take Down the Ohio Healthy Families Act

2008-08-22T07:30:00.000-04:00

I know my mission is impossible to accomplish on my own, but I have one key goal from now until the November election - do everything in my own power to get people educated and informed on the Ohio Healthy Families Act that is likely to be on the ballot so it's voted DOWN.

First of all, I'm not against people being "healthy." In fact, I'm all for it, especially since I have a huge lack of health myself. I do, however, have a problem with this new potential mandate that could take effect in Ohio this December.

This Act would mandate that all employers with 25 employees or more provide a minimum of 7 paid sick days per year. Here's what else it requires:

The new policy must take effect within 30 days after it is approved by the voters
Employees must be allowed to take off sick time in hour increments or smaller, whatever their payroll system allows
Employees may not be asked to provide proof of being sick unless they are out three full consecutive days
Employers are not allowed to reduce vacation, personal or holiday time once the bill is enacted, which would probably be in an effort to make up for the increased amount of sick days and the additional financial burden it could put on the company
A minimum of up to 7 days of sick time must be allowed to carry over into the next business year
Part-time employees must receive prorated sick time based on the average hours worked per week
Employers are not allowed to factor in any sick time taken in their attendance policy, nor can employers include it as a factor on any type of "employee review"
Employees can take sick time not only for themselves, but to care for any type of family member.

The proposed Act is so poorly written that it does not address PTO time, whether sick time has to be "paid out" if an employee quits or is terminated, etc. It gives the employer no ground to stand on when it comes to employee "sick" time; the employee is in complete control.

Here is my issue. Ohio is already considered a horrible state to have a business in. Businesses are failing left and right, the unemployment rate is high (especially in Cleveland), and pretty much everyone is suffering in some way. The state is a mess. Companies are leaving the state, and people have few employment opportunities. So, this group - Ohioans for Healthy Families - decides that the best way to become an "employer friendly" state is to force 7 days of paid sick leave, giving the employee all of the power and the employer absolutely none. Seriously, they think this is going to entice companies to come here, or so they say. The main backers, from what I can tell, are unions and the Democrat party, though the Governor is saying he is against the Act.

This group's argument is that dozens and dozens of Ohioans have lost or almost lost their jobs because they had to take time off to care for themselves or a loved one. Yes - dozens, according to their spokesperson. They quote statistics such as "Only 52% of Ohioans have paid sick leave." Um...are they counting PTO time? No, just sick leave. It's all about wording. Every statistic they quote is craftily worded, and more than half of them are regarding other states or regions/cities. They talk about how people are finding it difficult to take off work. Sure, I relate to that. It's tough to take time off with my responsibilities, but it in no way has to do with a lack of paid sick time. That's what happens when you are a working adult - you have responsibilities and choices.

I'm going to use my own company as an example. We offer employees up to 30 days of sick leave. Yes, 30 paid days. If someone is sick less than 4 hours, we don't count it as sick time. When we do employee reviews we mark someone down in the attendance category if they are out more than the company sick day average (4 days), unless there were special circumstances. It rarely impacts the employee's increase. When we think people are abusing the system, such as constantly taking 2-3 hours off several days a week for claimed doctor's visits, we ask for a doctor's note. After all, we are a service business, and if someone is unreliable and constantly taking off and calling in late due to sick-related excuses, it hurts the department and the company.

If this new Act passes, we are forced to change our whole system. Why? Because now we offer up to thirty days, but with this new Act it MANDATES that employees have seven full sick days to use however they wish. Sure, the seven days are to be used for sick time, but when an employer can't do anything to control the usage, those seven days become additional vacation time for those who typically have minimal sick time. Remember, our average employee takes only 4 days of paid sick time per year, not seven.

And it is not just our company who is looking at having to reduce their sick leave policies. I've spoken with a lot of companies who are very generous and flexible on their sick time, who are also looking at having to reduce their vacation and holiday time off prior to the Act passing/being enacted so the financial hit is minimized. Remember, 30 days after the Act is voted for the company is stuck with whatever policy they have for all time off at that point. Days off could be increased, but not decreased.

I hate to say this, but most Ohioans do not actively follow what is going on in their city, region, county or state. It is completely different from living in Minnesota, when the media outlets did a great job of educating people, and it was easy to gain additional information. I always felt like I knew what was going on. In Ohio, I feel like most issues are worked out behind closed doors. No one knows what is going on, and there is a huge lack of places to find this information out. It is a very shady system, and the people allow it to happen.

What will likely happen in November is that people will go to the polls and see this Act on the ballot. Most people will have no clue about the details Ohio Healthy Families Act, but when they have the option to vote whether employees should get seven paid sick days a year, the majority will vote yes. Unfortunately those individuals will have no clue what other stipulations come with that "Yes" vote. They won't think about the financial implications it will have on companies and job opportunities. They will vote it in, and Ohio will just sink further. It's another reason B and I are looking to leave here as soon as it's feasible.

So, from now until election day, I will do my best to inform people of the initiative, contact government representatives, do what I can to protect my company and the employees, and hope that in the end the people of Ohio will vote this thing down. If you are reading this and live in Ohio, I encourage you to do your research on this issue before you vote. Nothing in this world is free - everything comes with a price.

Only nine days???

2008-08-19T12:14:00.003-04:00

Exactly nine days from now I will be finishing the quarterly financial review with the Board members. Always a big task, but this time the meeting will be held in the morning, at a country club on the east side. While everyone will be making their way to the golf course afterwards, I'll be getting in the car and driving eight-plus hours to Moline, Illinois.

I remember when I started planning my Iowa trip several months ago. At that point I had plenty of time ahead of me to get things done for my mom's 60th. Now, however, I'm left with nine days. Nine very, very short days, and most of them workdays as well.

This is the point where I start beating myself up mentally about not getting things taken care of sooner. Granted, a large part of my procrastination was due to my health. I was hoping by the time Summer came that I'd have some sort of diagnosis and subsequent medication. Well, for me there was no miracle, so I'm now worse off than I was at the start of this, and I have nine days to get everything done. Yes, I've been slowly working on things over the last few weeks, but I feel I've made little progress. A slip on the stairs Friday caused a hurt right knee and sharp pains to the left of my spine (different than what I typically have), so this past weekend was worthless.

There are reservations to make, meals to plan, supplies and groceries to buy, a house to clean, a bathroom to finish painting, gifts to wrap, a car to clean and many, many other "to do" items. Oh, and then there is the cake I need to make and design. Yikes, it's even worse when I type it all out! It's comical, yet...not.

Well, nine days are better than one, so I better start crossing some stuff off the list. I have exactly two minutes left of my lunch...maybe I can get one reservation made.

One of Many Reasons I Hate The Cleveland Clinic

2008-08-11T12:24:00.003-04:00

So today at lunch I had to do what I most hate - try to get a hold of my doctor's office and request a prescription refill. It sounds so simple, doesn't it? In the old days, you'd pick up the phone, call the office, talk with a secretary or nurse. They would then call you back, refill the prescription and you're done. If it took you more than 5 minutes it was a rarity.

But now the trend is automation, voice mail, hold buttons and transfers. I now have to call the main Clinic line; waiting on hold until the one operator is available to take my call. I then say the doctor's name, and that I need a prescription refilled. They transfer me; I'm put on hold again. After a few minutes someone answers. I indicate my name, that I need a refill, and I'm transferred again. And once again I'm on hold.

Then, something new happened today. While I was waiting on hold for the third time, I find myself in an automated prescription refill "center". I'm told my a pre-recorded voice that I will be asked 11 questions, which I am to answer. After I'm done with each answer I am to press the # key.

So I answer the first five questions. Fine, no big deal. Then I get to a prompt that says if I need the prescription mailed, to leave my mailing address. I don't need it mailed, so I don't say anything and hit the # key. I'm then told that there was nothing recorded...and then I'm booted from the system with a "goodbye."

I then start the process all over again, except this time the fourth person I talk to is willing to take down my information on the refill. The total conversation time that took - less than 1 minute. The total time it took me to refill one prescription - 24 minutes.

And this doesn't include the hassle I go through to get the prescription. Usually they write it a day or two later, typically after the point where I'm completely out. It then shows up on my electronic medical record that it's been sent to the pharmacy. Except when I check my pharmacy account online, it's no where to be seen. That's because it takes them an extra day or two to call it in once it's been written.

I've said it once, and I'll say it again - "The" Cleveland Clinic is a joke. Unless you're a celebrity who will get them press, you're just another cow in the pasture.

An Opportunity

2008-08-08T08:11:00.002-04:00

Just when I think I have no luck at all, I get this sent to me this morning. The tides are turning! Since I'm the type of person who likes to share the wealth, if anyone wants to join me on this life-changing venture just let me know.

Hi,

Permit me to inform you of our desire to go into business relationship with you. And let me start by para-phrasing the content of this message to your understanding, I work with Blackwater U.S.A, a US Security Contractor in Iraq that provides security protection for
American diplomats.

Two months ago my team carried out a raid in a Shiite militia stronghold south of Baghdad,Iranian-made weapons were among a large cache of arms and ammunition found during the operations and amount totaling US$35 Million in cash believed intended for use to purchase more arms or to finance the militia activities to frustrate US rebuilding of Iraq goals.

3 of the Senior officers in my team which includes me, have agreed and decided to keep this amount to ourself, reason why i have contacted you to assist us transfer this amount out of Iraq, and after our time in Iraq in some months time, we shall come for the sharing of the
money.

We are willing to offer you the sum of US$3.5M (10% of the total sum) if you could assist us, we hope to hear from you soon in this regard.

Laurie Zaleski
Blackwater USA LLC
Baghdad-Iraq.

08/08/08

2008-08-08T07:58:00.005-04:00

I always find it amusing when people make a big deal when the month, day and last two digits of the year are the same. Maybe it's just me, but I don't understand the infatuation of some people with symmetrical dates. And what's funnier is that while some view it as good luck, others think the world will end. I'm sorry, but to me it's just another date, and just another Friday.

Then again, maybe if the Bears had played the Chiefs today, they would have won. Did the "08/07/08" throw them off their game? On the other hand, B is I'm sure thrilled with that result, because the Chiefs are his team. So confusing.

Poor Cleveland

2008-08-07T09:35:00.001-04:00

So this morning I'm driving up to the office building, and the cars are backed up to the street corner. As I neared the entrance, I saw that the cause of the backup was a car search going on for the parking garage next door - which is the Cleveland Federal building.

Security had two lines of cars, and they were going through trunks and the main part of the cars. I saw one security guy digging through someone's bag. Interesting.

While nationally it's received no attention, Cuyahoga County (where Cleveland is located) and several cities have been under investigation by the FBI in recent weeks. Offices have been raided, and they continue to expand the search. Is this extra security related to the investigation? Is it a random act they are required to do once in a great while? Or is there a perceived threat?

Exciting times in Cleveland. Oh, and did you hear the city also was #4 on the "Top Ten List of Dying Cities?" Hence why no one questions us from here when B and I talk openly about getting out of here in the next year or two.